Tuesday, November 9, 2010

My letter to you: What I couldn't say.


First time I saw you, I couldn’t stand any minute of your breath. A feeling I felt always when you were around, so irritated, so annoyed and mad at you for no reason. Such that I sort of became obsessed with you; everything about you I wanted to mention to those around me.  I couldn’t stop talking about you, you became  a part of my investigation and I was always curious about you. Our presence together became unavoidable; it’s as if nature intertwined our forces together in a way that we couldn’t be apart. All that did to me was make me fond of your presence, obsess with you more, you became my mystery.
It was not for the fact that one time we were separated that I realized the urge of your presence was a must. I was missing you, your flaws around me, something to say about you, I needed to see you, I needed you, and I wanted you there with me. Me missing you…I found myself asking “What is this? Why do I feel like this?”  Some of my surroundings got tired of my whispering, some of the voices were kind enough to follow along, and give advice, while others just quivered and found me a bore. Either way I still longed for the day I’d see you again.
So the day came where we saw each other again. This time everything was different, I had missed you. My feelings were new, I had really missed you. I now noticed your smile, it was as if I saw your smile for the first time, it was beautiful. I also noticed the gaze in your eyes, your eyes were wonderful, they revealed a sense of belonging, I couldn’t stop staring. It was now hard to pay attention because my emotions were all over the place. I could no longer describe what was going on, but this feeling, whatever it was I liked it. I wanted it to last forever.
From then we were together a lot. Our emotions were forming a comfortable realization. I did not know how you felt, for me sometimes I felt lost and confused and something told me you felt it too. It’s like when you try and mix water and oil together, or fire and ice... just never compatible. At moments like these, our eyes locked, they formed an understanding that explained us both, I knew then this is where you wanted to be; Therefore, we would be ok.
Our feels grew with time and with every moment spent together it was a comfortable place. When I was not with you, you seek me as much as I seeked you. My physical state now longed for your attention, your touch. The small things you did I now noticed, whenever you brushed slightly against my skin they were turned into electric waves that pulsated through my body. All I could think of at the time was how much I wanted to kiss you; to make you mine. Immediately I’d come to my senses and ask myself, “What is wrong with me?”  You became dangerous for me. Dangerous to my thoughts, my conscious mind , because you occupied most of it.
Even so I couldn’t understand what it was about you that I hated and cloved, I don’t want to say I did, it’s painful to think about love but said or not, one thing was certain, I longed for you, for us. I started to picture myself with you, it was a possibility, and we could make it work. I knew I wanted you whatever way. I didn’t care anymore, as long as I was with you. Repeatedly my physical and mindful state was battling it out. My mind always winning; telling me it would never be possible and that some things should never be. Therefore, I couldn’t tell you how I felt. I wasn’t ready. My thoughts, feelings were still raw and somehow selfish, I just never knew.
So you got me off guard. You suddenly said you loved me. At that time your words were like music to my ears. But at the same time I was confused. I didn’t know what to say or what to do. My emotions were  overwhelmed, I was expressionless, scared! And so I said “I love me too." Me instead of you, how very selfish!  Those were words of thorns, poison. You were torn, I heart your feelings and I could feel your pain caused by my response. I was mad at myself, fighting my tears, why do I feel like this? What have I done? Why did I hurt you? I hated myself!
Things were awkward after that for a while. I knew I was wrong for what I had done, but I was afraid of the truth. Afraid of losing you. I was scared, so I built a wall around me. I needed to protect myself from you. I am only human. My humanity only made it worse. My fears, even so I needed you more than ever. I needed to build back what we had, what we shared. Luckily the forces of nature were on my side. Circumstances forced us together and so I took advantage of the situation. I knew there was still something left there. I saw it in your eyes. The way you still looked at me. The way we looked at each other, it was definite our eyes spoke a language. A language no one understood, but you and I. Hence, It was obvious  there was something there.
 I hated the painful reminder, what I did to you, I hated that I couldn't say it, 3 words, 8 letters..why such a challenge? We'd stair at each other and you'd look away sometimes, I had ruined the relationship we’d built. Things had become awkward.
Time had never been on our side. I realized time was fading. I tried to be with you always. I had to fix what I had ruined. The wounds were sore, but I felt they were mendable. You showed me how not to be afraid. I try but I feared. I always fear. So many times I tried to tell you but there was always someone else. We created a barrier between us. One so high that it was even hard for me to look at you, to speak to you, to open up and let you see. Just like that we fell apart. We drifted apart, and we went our seperate ways. Distance has never been kind to us. Still isn't, so you will never know. I still think of you. Still think of what would have been, and yet our love will never know. I love you, I just could say it.