A dozen flowers

As a photographer I love taking flowers, especially because they are so bright and colourful. They give such beautiful essence to the environment and they smell good too. Too bad you can't smell them on here. Anyway, thought I'd share with you my twelve favourite flower photos that I have taken. February is indeed the month of love, so why not give you flowers...

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12.

 Tell me your favorite! 

My emptiness is killing me!

Life is funny! 

We spend most of our life searching for happiness. Searching for something that we can be content with. Searching for somewhere we belong. A sense of achieving satistfaction. 

What if we never find it?

What are we really looking for? Does happiness really have a form? Is it defined by one thing? Is it attained by all in one way or is it different for everyone? Do we decide our own happiness cause I'm wondering... can I really choose to be happy or does it find us when we least expect it? If it is a state of mind can I pretend to be happy enough for me to actually believe that I am? Or why do I have to pretend in the first place, why can't I just be happy!?

I feel like I've been going around in circles trying to search for something that I'm not even sure what. I'm seeking satisfaction in one self. Every time I set a goal for myself to achieve; when I do, I'm never really satisfied. It's as if I'm searching for something that's unattainable or I'm I just not complacent. Do I lack appreciation? I'm I just not aware of my achievements even in the smallest forms to be able to reward myself  and pat me in the back for it?

I've come this far in everything I've done, which brought me to this point in my life. Still I'm not there yet. I'm not happy. I haven't done anything I can call worth satisfactory. I'm nowhere next to my goals, or dreams. I have such a long way to go.

I laugh at those who say I inspire them, I ask them why? Why me? How would I ever inspire anybody? I'm not even proud of myself, or my work, or any of the things I've done until now. I don't feel like anything I've done until now is worth any praise. I don't feel as though anything I've done is effective. I don't feel like it's enough or anywhere close. I feel empty, like my goal is so far away, any small slip and I'll have lost everything I've worked so hard for. That I'll have wasted my time. I'll have wasted so many peoples time. I'll have let myself down. Effort is such an endless game. 

 I feel like I put so much pressure on myself. Sometimes I just want to sit down for a second and feel the air around me, breath in and out and actually feel my space, the presence around me because I'm lacking. I'm not here, I'm there. If you ask me, am not breathing. I'm living in the future, being burried with my concerns that my present becomes my past so quickly and that I can only look back and crave for the moment again. To be able to experience it all over again because I really wasn't there. Instead I am passing time, and it's passing so quickly. I am still searching for my happiness. I want my legasy. Spinkly is my legasy... always has been. Still it's nowhere I want it to be. I'm not accomplished in any way. I want to, I'm trying, but its so hard!

 I want to cry. Stop the madness around me and quit everything am doing and see if its any better than this emptiness I feel. I'm always chasing, I never get. Even if I get, it's not what I want. So what do I want? I am non-accomplished. The ticking clock is such a hater. Everything I'm fighting for is nowhere near me. Ahead of me is a mist, so unclear, not even my certainty is assuring. Yes it's easy to cry, maybe I can pretend that my tears will wash away the sadness, ambiguity.. make everything visible. Still I feel... I feel obscurity and it's not a good feeling. 

I hope one day I'll be happy. I hope I'll be able to fill that emptiness. I hope I will be able to look back and smile and say this, "Everything was worth it!"

Valentine's Blues!

Relationships are so weird here in Kenya. LOL, well, most of them. I feel really bad for some of my friends whose partners cheat on them, and they find it the norm. Worse of guys who think they can get away with it. I’ll take this moment to thank God for my dear friend ‘Karma’. I’ve always wondered about guys who say they love someone and yet cheat on them, because you can’t claim to love someone, yet cheat on them. You must not know what love is… Let’s just say, “HE DOESN’T CARE ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS BECAUSE THERE’S NO FEELINGS INVOLVED IN THAT RELATIONSHIP IN THE FIRST PLACE!”

I don't know if I should blame the girls who obviously can't stand being alone and rush into relationships even though they aren’t ready. The girls who are with guys who obviously treat them badly, and I have to continuously hear everything wrong with this relationship over and over again. Girls who lie to themselves that there are no strings attached keep falling into the same trap. Girls who complain about not getting attention when they forget they are the ones who did all the chasing in that relationship; hence, the guy couldn't care less. Worse of the girls who are in a relationship with a guy who doesn’t even know is in one.  

Another thing I noticed is the lack of respect or affection Kenyans show towards each other compared to American relationships. (Well, I'm comparing this to my friend's relationships, not the TV, so relax) and I wonder what these relationships are based on. Some people seem more miserable than happy; I always wonder why they are together.

Do we (I'll say we, cause I am also Kenyan and I'll not exempt myself this time) not know how to love? Do we care too much for PDA that we bother not to show affection? Is a kiss of appreciation not worth giving, even in public? A kiss on the forehead, the chick, or a nice warm hug, hold hands, shit even a kiss on the lips, am not saying jump on her and get down to business there and then. Come on! At least in my case, I don't lie about it. I'd hate to be in a relationship and have no affection for the person I'm dating. Why even bother?

Oh, let’s not forget social media and how couples embrace each other in their profile pictures. How they look at each other, smile, and everything looks so natural with my friends in America. Here in Kenya, as a photographer, trying to take a couple's shoot at times can be torture because everything seems so awkward and forced. I get that you’re shy, but geez... make me feel sorry about making me have to ask you to 'act like you love your partner' for the picture (note the sarcasm by the way).

Makes me wonder, do we settle for love? Do our men and women lack affection? Are we not attracted to one another? I’m I wrong for wanting more than just a smile, a pat on the back, or for wanting more than just a simple friendship?

Maybe it's me... lol maybe I’m happy being single, or say I am. Maybe I'm not really looking for anyone. Maybe I’m contemptuous of the idea of relationships. Maybe that's why couples around me look so fake! 'Maybe,' I mean who knows!!!???

Either way, to all those couples that can proudly say: 

·        They are in relationships because they are ready and want to be in it.

·        They trust each other and are not cheating on one another.

·        They acknowledge each other and encourage each other to be better.

·        They see each other spending the rest of their lives together.

·        They are proud of their partner and want to show them to the world.

To all of you who can easily say those things:

HAPPY VALETINES TO YOU, HAPPY COUPLES!!!