I started painting in 2009 as a hobby. Thought I'd desplay the 50 paintings I have done from my first to the latest to celebrate having done 50 paintings.
1
2
3
4
5
6. (faces)
7
8. (distorted garden)
9
10
11. (coloured falls)
12
13
14. (something pink)
15
16. (cry me a river)
17
18
19
20
21
22
23. (butterfly effect)
24
25
26
27
28
29
30
31. (let go)
32
33. (something dreamy)
34
35
36. (day and night)
37
(The 2 in addition to the 1st piece equalled a 3 piece set)
There's no bond like a sister's bond. I'm not talking about 'a wanna be sister' type of bond. I'm talking real blood sisterhood type of bond from same mother and father. I'm very lucky! In fact blessed to have my closest friends as my sisters. I love all the four of them and would take a bullet for my sisters. I'm closer to my elder sister of course because we hangout together a lot. If anything she's my best friend and also the one person I can always count on.
I've never really understood how people throw around the word sister like its borrowed or something. I realized am not comfortable with calling just anyone who isn't my sister, sister. I say this cause I know what a real sister is, and I honestly don't feel that sisterhood bond with anyone else. I've grown up with my sisters and I admit we have a lot in common. I think a sister's bond goes deeper than we can understand or really explain.
I've noticed most girls who were an only child, girls that come from broken families or people who don't get along with their sisters as much; always feel the need to form that bond with someone else outside their family. It's like they luck the sense of that bond. Normally I find that they replace that sisterhood with either a close friend (best friend) or some join sororities, others indulge themselves in some other relationships, I don't know... something along those lines to find that bond they are lucking. I mean I have a couple of close friends too, don't get me wrong! I really love my 'bffs' but to say the truth none of them come close to my sisters. Sisterhood is just a whole other different type of relationship. You wouldn't truly understand what I mean unless you experience this bond I'm talking about. My sisters always come first before my friends. You know its funny how we can irritate each other, fight, argue.. all that nasty stuff but despite it all we always love one other. I love it! That's just that sisterhood bond!
Anyway, since I'm all about sisterhood, here is a few sisters I love to watch on TV that share that same type of bond I'm talking about.
Tia and Tamara's reality show reminds me of me and my sister, Beryl. Even so, we aren't twins but people usually ask us if we are. Maybe because we are one year apart and we somewhat look alike.
I also like the Kardashian sisters' bond. They argue a lot but they still love each other. Reminds me of us three: Beryl, Yvette and I. I understand that special bond that they have.
Anyway, the point is that I love my sisters, I love our sisterhood bond and no one can replace that.
Time and time again, I end up feeling disappointed in myself. I feel like I let myself down easy. I can't say why, (more like I don't want to say why) but I feel like I was hit on the face with a rock and I remain emotionless. I say it again, "Don't put all your eggs in one basket" if you know the saying. Right now it feels like nothing matters any more. I can't trust anyone! Mad at myself for letting my guard down, even after saying I never would. Every time I chose to trust someone, I'm the one that winds up getting hurt. They say in life we have to take risks, but what's the risk worth taking if it does you no good? If I always wonder whether I made the right choices at the risks I made? If you're not sure of what it is you want to do? All I ever do is roll the dice without a set number in my head of what I want. I have no goal, l am indecisive. I don't know!
Again and again, I keep finding myself at the same place I was running away from. So empty inside, like everything I did to get myself away from this place, brought me back. I'm going around in circles. All the decisions I've made thus far brought me here. As if this place is my fate and I can't avoid it. So here I am back on the drawing board, starting over again. Maybe I need acceptance, or maybe I keep doing something wrong, maybe I can't seem to understand my purpose that's set out for me; Hence, I keep taking the wrong turns that lead me back to where I am today. I don't want to be here. I want to be there, but I can't tell you where there is. I feel so blinded, so naive, so vulnerable to strike a deal, ready to say yes to any idea that presents itself along my way.
So what is real? Could this be my fate? I'm I meant to be in this position forever? I don't want to believe it! In fact I refuse to believe it. I know I can do better. That's why I keep blaming myself over. I let myself down. If there's anything I've learned from my past mistakes, it's that the one person I can always count on is myself. Self reliance. Somehow I've relied on reassurance from others and all they do is let me down. I always say, "expect nothing from no one, and you wont be disappointed" fair enough! There's something repetitive about this pattern that makes me see I only have me to make me happy.
So what do I have to rely on? I have my talents, they ain't going anywhere, at least I hope not. However, it feels like am looking for something else. Like my talents are not enough. Even so, they've managed to obtain my certainty. My talents are always there, and they have never let me down. They are what I've learned to rely on. I always end up finding myself going back to do the one thing I know to do, perfect my talents. My talents, at least I know you can't take that from me. Then I think: Maybe God is trying to tell me something but I'm being stubborn, I'm not seeing it, or I refuse to see it. That everything I need to make it happen is from within, and all I have to do is let it shine.
Still, at the end of the day I can't really explain how I feel. I'm not sure any more of what is real and what isn't. I live in a fantasy world because it's easier to believe in. So I set the bar so high and wind up falling short or end up with nothing at all. Every time I get excited thinking am headed somewhere, I land back in the same place. So everything else feels like it wasn't real. My attempts remain forgotten. A waste of my time. When I'm back in this place I feel lost, empty, disappointed. I want to disappear but I can't. I don't want it to be real, but its what screams out the loudest from all the rest. Only because at this point in my life, I've experience it the most (More like it's the present, my now). I'll tell you this: Right now I remain expressionless, but I choose to smile. I choose to smile because its the one thing left to do. The one thing that will make everything else feel all right. Therefore, I'm still smiling.
There are times when I wake up and I'm like, "My life has no meaning." I'm not gonna lie, I'm human, can't help how I feel. However, those are the times I'm inspired to write. So it may seem in my blogs I'm always complaining or whining, not likely... just happens that writing is how to embrace those feelings, to bring a sense of calm. Therefore, as it seems right now there's a disturbance in my mind and I'm laying them out, in front of me. Arranging my thoughts in a way to understand. So here we go again!
Lately, I've been thinking about perception. What do you see when you look at a painting? Do you think of the image itself? how beautiful it is? or does your mind even think to the artist's great works, as in the artist himself? Who is the artist, the mind of the artist, what was the artist thinking? or do you even care about the artist? Then I ask myself, "Who is more important?" The capture or the person who takes the capture? The same as a picture and the photographer. Do you care about what you see, or who took what you see? Do we only embrace what we see or do we reckon those who made it possible? Is it a perception of the moment thing as we see it or is it a life endurance acceptance thing as a whole? All these questions, so much going on, so much to think about.
Here are other examples: Actors, Singers, the social lights, etcetera. We recognize the actors and the singers, we know them because they are the images that are portrayed out there for us to see. Perceptions, but what of the people behind the scenes who put it all together in the movies and the music? Do they matter? Our architects, when we admire our beautiful cities, we just look at the buildings and the landscapes the so-called perceptions. Do we give credit to the makers? Is it always about what our eyes perceive? Do we not matter? How come then do we give more of our attention to the perceived? Are the others not as important? Aren't the makers the ones who made it possible? Yet the perceptions, those that get presented get more praise. The perceptions to me are like the conclusions; what we see at the end, the results. As if the bits and the pieces that bring it together aren't necessary. What of the body of the paragraphs? Weren't they helpful in order to bring understanding to the story?
I've resulted to self praise, giving myself pats in the back telling myself good job! But is it ever enough? Do I lack the sense of appreciation? I'm I not satisfied? The hell I'm not! I want to be memorable. I don't want you to have to remember the picture more than you remember me. Yeah I get jealous sometimes, I admit it. Besides, its my work. It's there because I did it. So does that make me selfish because I'm fighting for the attention of my creations? Because I want recognition? Take for example a lamp on a stand. Would you rather be the light that is being perceived or the paraffin that produces the fire that is lit? What do we acknowledge more, the light or the paraffin?
In reality, I know I matter.. I'm the reason for the cause but in actual sense, it's about visibility, I'm unseen. I lack the presence of perception. I'm always the person that's hidden behind the perception, so I can't help but always wonder, do I matter?
