A Jerk Of All Trades But A Master In None

I would rather be that person who knows forever what they want and they go for it. They direct their whole life towards achieving that goal because it’s their target.

I can't say my choices have ever been easy. Growing up I was always that child that knew wanted to be a doctor. I had prepared myself, I loved doctors and doctors loved me. Even after I was admitted when I was nine years old after surviving a fatal accident that scarred me for life... I still knew I wanted to be a doctor. During my admission and doctor visits my nurses gave me tours and I'd write them essays on how I admired their work and how I wanted to be a doctor someday. I felt like the medical field was my calling and no one could tell me otherwise. 

I can't say that path was ever easy. God knows I struggled. Anyway, no one said life is ever easy right? Oh my God I worked so hard! I was always engraved in my books. I missed out on my childhood. I was that geek that fought so hard to make it through life. I chose my subjects accordingly because I had already set my goals and everyone cheered me on. Even when I failed I got up and tried again and I succeeded, such a vicious cycle, sometimes I wonder if it was only to prove a point.  However, the tears, they were so much! They left me wounded. Even when I succeeded, it wasn't satisfactory, because it was always by a landslide. It was never enough. I was sad. I wasn’t happy, and I never felt at peace with myself.

I prayed about it. I cried about it. I wondered about it. Untill finally I was lost, confused. When do you know when to call a spade a spade? I knew it was time, and I knew some things are just not cut out for me anymore. I'm happy I got my Bachelor of Science degree in biology (pre-med). Especially because they were times I wanted to quite. Everyone encouraged me, my professors especially. Oh how I love them! They were my friends, and they tutored me, oh how I learned a lot from them. I even spent my thanks giving holidays with them. I had left my family at home, thousands of miles away, only to get a higher learning.

I can’t say the number of times everyone reminded me of my childhood dreams, because they were so many. I swear the memories made me happy just thinking about them. If I could have a conversation with my childhood, I’d ask myself, “Why a doctor?” It gave me such inner joy, and certainty. I didn’t doubt it then. I knew it was my purpose. This is the person I’ve wanted to please all my life: My younger self, the ambitious one, the one that had a goal.

The hardest day for me is the day I decided to stop. I looked at myself in the mirror, my present. I realized I need to stop living in the past. I’m chasing childhood dreams that don’t do me any good. It’s even had to admit it to myself. I feel like not chasing those dreams has lost a big part of me. And it has, cause who I’m I now?

I’ve been slowly waring out, faster than I should. I realized growing up I had never taken the time to look around me, see the world around me. It was like that path you walk every day, back and forth always in a hurry and you one day decide to stop and smell the flowers; You didn’t even notice they were there. That was the day I listened to my desires to paint. I took a paint brush, I painted, and it was beautiful. I had lived all my life chasing a dream that I had missed out on discovering who I was and now I discovered this whole new side of me. I had never known such creativity. Up until now I feel like am still searching. I feel like I don’t know who this new person is. Everything I try I’m told am good at. It’s both a blessing and a curse, because in the end I am a jerk of all trades, but a master in none. 

Cover Art

I've been working on some spinkly cover texts that I thought I'd share with you before the year is over cause I thought they belonged in the open. I have some of them saved as my screen saver templates but I'll show the cover version of them on here. I left out a couple, so yes, there's a lot more.. although some I'm not too sure about. So this is where you're help comes in. Tell me whether its a toss or a keeper.

Wish the blog was more interactive so that you could help me out a little bit but one of my friends said they have a problem commenting, so guess that's a bummer. For those who can get to comment, please do and let me know what you think. If you want me to create one for you let me know and I can do it for you. I won't charge too high, so don't worry about the price. 

Betther yet the first person to hit me up get's a customed cover made for their facebook/twitter/header.. I don't know, wherever you want to use it. If not that I could make you a customed screen saver.

Ok, let me just jump right into it, here are 10 samples: 

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There are the ten covers. Please comment bellow and tell me your favourite :-)

Oh Christmas Tree!!!

This Christmas I'm giving you twenty beautiful pictures of my Christmas tree. I didn't know where else to share them and not many people appreciate pictures as much as I do. Either way, if you're interested you can scroll down and leave your comments under.

The tree itself:

I decided I'd show a bit more details of the tree:

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Like my photography page: Spinkly Photography

Tell me which one is your favourtite below: 

Your photography vs my photography and what it really means

You know it’s funny but I can't help but be doubtful sometimes. Even if I'm told thousands of times to be positive about the things I do.

 I try though, I really do! If I didn't try I wouldn't continue to take pictures.

So anyway, I have a photography page on here below: Please like the page and show support cause in the end numbers do count or so I tell myself, and then I rethink that statement later on.

Click below to view my photography page on facebook, and to see more photos taken by me:

SPINKLY PHOTOGRAPHY

 I've realized I've been shy about showing my work lately. There are so many good photographers out there that have such amazing work. I can't help but feel trashed in every way. I can't help but feel that other people are making comparisons and laughing at my work because I've seen the beauty of other people's work. Yes, I can't even try and compete with them, or make mine anything similar. Although I have to remember the reason I'm doing this is because I love it and it's not about getting accepted into the world of photography. It's not about the judgment I get from the public view. 

I realize I was more comfortable posting my work on my facebook fanpage because my audience wasn't that big. Believe me, 230 likes is bigger than I thought I'd reach and as the numbers grow I lose my confidence in my work. I feel like the world is watching, and expecting the works of Mutua Matheka on my page and other great photographers. No no no I am not them!!! I don't know what Camera's they use, I can't even try and imagine. If I wanted to copy them, and do everything like every great photographer, then what is Spinkly. Can't I just make a fan page and share all the beautiful pictures of other great photographers?

The funny thing is I never planned that I'd become a photographer. I still don't even consider myself as a photographer. Some people do, and I’m ok with it. I'll call myself a photographer because yes indeed I take photos. So ok, I'll just go with it. I guess if anything it's indeed a compliment, because somebody somewhere appreciates my work and you are awesome for that! I take pictures all the time (lots of them) and post them facebook profile. I have so many albums its ridiculous! I don't think my friends see the fascination in nature and the random things I take, so I thought if I started a fan page and fill it with my random photos instead of filling up my facebook timeline, then that would be ok. So then I posted my work there for the world to see, away from my personal profile timeline and someone even suggested that I put a sign on my pictures!!! So I created a logo as advised. It was simple, but it was needed. See the logo I created then:

I was too excited with the fact that I came up with that logo on my own and that I'd post it on my pictures that showed they were associated with me. Also with the fact that someone thought my pictures deserved to be identified. So heck yeahhhh!!!! Go Spinkly Photography!!! 

As the days went on from them, I became interested in photography. I started looking around at other people's photos, which I loved. I mean, really loved!!! HAVE YOU SEEN PROFESSIONAL PHOTOGRAPHERS AT WORK??? The more I became more interested in photography and compared myself with others, the more I've become more critical in my work. I realized that am that grain in the sand. See that grain in this picture below? 

Yeah me neither, I don't see it. My point exactly!

Maybe the reason I feel so judged is because I have other photographers criticizing my work too often, which you would think it’s a good thing. I mean how else do you grow as a photographer? So not that I should care or be bugged about it, but at some point I guess I do. I feel like so much is expected of me, even when it was supposed to have been fun from the beginning. I take pictures because I like taking pictures, I mean, who doesn't? Who doesn't want to freeze a moment in time and have it with them forever? A picture is the actual thing, geez your mind can only remember so much... Who wouldn't want an image of their happy past moments? So yes, that's what's cool about a picture… it captures a moment in your lifetime! 

Here's another thing, when someone comes and judges your picture telling you everything that's wrong with it, it’s annoying! Then they want to tell you how you can fix it and make it better, maybe even make it look more fake. That just takes away the aspect of me taking the picture in the first place. In fact it makes me mad…Yes am a perfectionist and I like things perfect sometimes, I agree... yes I wish I could have taken a better picture so maybe in that other person's eyes its ugly and maybe they don't like it. All am thinking at the time is, you can't turn back time. If I could yes I could! I'd have a better camera and I'd have a better image with me. The pissing part is I wasn't able to capture the essence of the beauty that my eyes saw at the time of that moment and share the magical moment with the viewer as exactly as it was. However, in the end it’s not about the viewer’s conception, it’s about mine and what I remember from it. There's nothing more satisfying and rewarding knowing that the picture is from my moment in time, and not somebodies else's. That I was there at that particular moment in time to be able to capture that image you see now on 2D and that I’m able to share that beautiful moment at that particular time with somebody else. That through my lens of my camera, I'll have that particular memory forever, and I'll always look back and experience it like it was. So in the end it doesn't matter what the viewer has to say because they weren't there. Their comments are based on secondary information that any other viewer makes judgments based on what they see from a capture of my memory. Yet every time I look at the picture, it’s different for me, because to me it’s a piece of me... It's a moment re-live in my lifetime. That the moment was special and so that's good enough for me. That's what's beautiful to me in a picture, and I don't think people see it like that. I call it my 'I was here stamp in life!'

So yes, you're probably right! This picture below is a beautiful picture of New York, A panoramic view taken midday in Manhattan. It’s way more cooler than my picture of course or better than any of the pictures I ever took when I was there. 

I wish I knew who took it. Reason I sign my pictures... 

However, this next picture is taken by me. It means so much more to me as a photographer because I was there. The view was beautiful, breathtaking, words can't describe, and every time I look at it I remember! It's one of my memories and a part of me I wouldn't be able to share, but I can share this shot with you. That's what photography is to me!

Taken from New York at night

No I did not take it with a professional camera, like the one posted prior to this but used I used my 14 Megapixel sony cyber shot camera. It still served the purpose; I will still remember it, and what's even better is that it was taken by me! So yes I signed it, and it’s one of my photography. Nothing professional, but it has my stamp on it! 

I'm sure if I could take that picture with a better camera I'd do it over.. but its still my picture and what I took then.

I've also changed the signing on my photography, especially since someone went and copied it. 

I'm not to good with staying with the same logo. Someone asked me if they could do a photography logo for me, but I refuced because of course there's a cool in knowing you did the logo on your own. So then I sign pictures with the one above now.

I was also looking up the log below as a signature, so then I use it sometimes cause I thought it had a bit of edge.

Please comment below if you like it... 

This is how it looks on a picture I took on my birthday which was on Friday the 13th (I know but I was lucky on that day, so no worries!)

Happy to say my photography is improving with time, hopefully I'll get a lot better! I wan't to preserve my memories a lot better!!! So then my photography is not just primary satisfaction, but secondary as well :-)

IF LIFE WAS A SOAP OPERA

I'm a fan of Soap Operas… well not really like I used to be before. These days I just watch the first few episodes, get the idea of the characters and then wait until the end. Of course I’d wait until the end because it’s always a happy ending! I wouldn’t want to stress myself out throughout the show seeing evil succeed; I like to know there’s a reward for the good and that’s always at the end.

So then it got me thinking; what if life was a soap opera and we all had our roles to play? Who then would I be?

In my head I’m the lead actress. Then again, one who falls in love? The one whom we all adore and wish to be, the one whom the show revolves around? The pretty girl that finds her prince charming, they have their ups and downs all through the show then finally in the end they get together? Would I be the girl that ends up living in a castle with her prince charming. Or is it the hacienda?

Then there always the obstacles:

The rich girl/poor girl that finds a rich man… the poor girl works her butt off, she’s always struggling and the rich man finds her and sweeps her off her feet. The parents then hate her because she’s not of their standards. 

There’s that character that will always be there to prevent these two love birds from being together. The one who is jealous! This character always gets the sad ending: They go crazy, get locked up, change their ways and confess all their wrong doings or maybe they  just die all alone.

Then there’s the second relevant character, the one who is either best friends with the lead character. They also have their own romance story. Sometimes they fight with the lead character for the same guy. At least somewhere along the way always turns out there’s someone else for them. Yes they are pretty, but I guess their story is not effective enough to play the main role.

 Where do I fit in? Where is my prince charming? I’m I the character with the sad ending? The one who ends up alone in the end… hated by everybody else. Or am I not fit enough to play the lead role? I’m I the in-betweens that my story is not strong or good enough to be told? I’m I that person who just strings along and in the end it doesn’t matter what happens to them? Even if I'm the lead role, does it have to be such a struggle to get to be with my prince charming? Better yet, if there’s really a prince charming for every one… where are you my Alejandro, I want my happy ending!?

What if I never get married?

It's crazy how society judges so harshly at everything we do in general. I end up being conscious and aware of the things that I'm expected to do even without wanting to. This is random: I saw a post of Kim K in her swim suit flaunting her almost-naked body and the first thought I had was, "She is a mum! What is she doing? She's not suppose to be doing such things now!!!" Anyway, so I went on and read the other comments and a lot of people were pointing that out as well and saying how rude, disrespectful and disgusted they were on how she isn't setting a good example. That's when I got defensive and I realized, am just like the rest of society. Too many expectations.

So Beyonce got a baby now, does that mean she should stop wiggling her ass or maybe should she not have been wiggling her ass in the first place? What difference does it make anyway? Does her child give her an exception? Is it because she's a mummy now she shouldn't do it? Besides she's on her 30's probably giving her more reason not to which makes me think back to all the teens that are getting pregnant at their early ages been forced to grow up young. They are forced by society not to do some stuff that motherless women still do even though we've got women at their 40's who haven't got kids and they get away with anything. So is it the role model factor that we instil in mothers to be able to set a good example to their children? So does that mean if I never get a child I don't ever have to be a role model to anyone and society won't be so judgemental? I don't know life is funny! This leads me on to my next topic, actually the main discussion of my blog today... Marriage!

Why is society so based on the fact that we have to get married? Or since I'm Catholic.. join sobriety (ok wrong word) I mean join some priesthood of some sort. Meaning devoting my life to God. There's nothing wrong with that... It's just lately since I'm soon getting to my 30's I've started to ask myself, "What if I never get married?"

Is it a crime? Is it such a big deal? I grew up knowing they are two paths in life. To be a nun or to get married and have children. Well I couldn't be a nun for obvious reasons which make sense to me. But now there's a possibility that marriage is not for everyone and I've been thinking a lot lately that it may not be for me too.

All my life I've grown up with the mindset, go to school, work hard, get good grades, graduate, get a job, get married, have children and the cycle continues. It doesn't really work like that. In fact you're lucky if it works out that way for you. As I'm approaching my 30's I'm having a rude awakening. For starters shit doesn't really work out how you plan it. You fall shot of the expectations you had for yourself and society starts to question you so many times that you just want to dig a hole and bury yourself in it. You find yourself not wanting to face society cause you're tired of hearing it over and over again. Geez society can be so judgemental, I mean it's bad enough I know it, just don't rub your expectations in my face. Doesn't make it any different if you keep remind me. You're expectations may not be mine, and even if they are there's nothing wrong with having a different outcome.

My mum keeps mention to me how its about that time I start my life. I mean really? Start my life!? I just want to respond to her, 'I'm I not living now?" Do you start living when you get married and have children of your own. Oh and again not everyone gets children or wants children of their own. Even if they did not all women can have children of their own, so don't judge them harshly. In the end, it all goes back to what if I never get married or have children? Does it mean I'll never live? Is that our purpose in life? To keep re-carrying this life cycle of offsprings.. maybe it is, maybe that's what life's really about. Maybe I wouldn't understand cause am not there yet.

Now the question about marriage. Would I have an arranged marriage? If you asked me this a year ago I would think you're insane. But think about it, how many people that go into arranged marriages survive over those that go into marriages head over hills in love? You'll be surprised. Statistics state that arranged marriages last longer than the latter. This is because you go into the marriage expecting everything to be perfect and you always fall shot as opposed to someone who goes into a marriage expecting the worst and it turns out ok for them. Funny isn't it? I know!

Anyway, at the end of the day... marriage is a commitment. I'm not saying I wouldn't do it, its just one of those things that I realize that amongst all the pressure to get married it doesn't cut for me. So what if I never get married? It's not the end of the world. So Let me be.

Somewhere In Between

This life, we just never know where its going. Everything is a guess, we all take risks, we all take chances. All so slightly with our hopes up and our dreams yearning, that everything turns out okay. We never really know anything, we're never really sure. Yet we still endure and opt for that better outcome.

Right now, somewhere in between I feel fear, I feel hopelessness, I feel doubt, I feel that I lost my way. I keep looking back... As am trying to think back, I feel as though I'm trapped in the past. I can't keep moving forward because I want to mend the past mistakes. Problem is I can't find the past mistakes, or even if I do, I can't help but regret cause I'm stuck on my old habits. Habits are safe, at least if its habit, it means am accustomed to them so habits are what I want to grab on. I mean think about it... How can you go wrong if your familiar with that something that you do way to often? You know the outcome, you know the expectations. That way, its never a lose situation because all you know is loosing, so what's winning like? Is that all there is? Can one really be afraid of winning because they've never felt what it is like to win?

Somewhere in between, I find myself questioning every step along the way. The 'what ifs'? Oh how I hate the 'what ifs.' Then there's the 'hows' and the 'why should I'? Better the 'the why nots'? because they are self motivating.

It's a re-carrying nightmare! If only I had known then what I know now, somewhere in between.. would I have made the choices I made then again, given the chance to do it over? If the answer is no, I'm I stuck somewhere in between? Can I get out? Help me get out! Help me stop looking back! Help me carry on! Help me look forward!

If only I had known then what I know now I wouldn't have made the choices that I made.