Valentine's Blues!

Relationships are so weird here in Kenya. LOL, well, most of them. I feel really bad for some of my friends whose partners cheat on them, and they find it the norm. Worse of guys who think they can get away with it. I’ll take this moment to thank God for my dear friend ‘Karma’. I’ve always wondered about guys who say they love someone and yet cheat on them, because you can’t claim to love someone, yet cheat on them. You must not know what love is… Let’s just say, “HE DOESN’T CARE ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS BECAUSE THERE’S NO FEELINGS INVOLVED IN THAT RELATIONSHIP IN THE FIRST PLACE!”

I don't know if I should blame the girls who obviously can't stand being alone and rush into relationships even though they aren’t ready. The girls who are with guys who obviously treat them badly, and I have to continuously hear everything wrong with this relationship over and over again. Girls who lie to themselves that there are no strings attached keep falling into the same trap. Girls who complain about not getting attention when they forget they are the ones who did all the chasing in that relationship; hence, the guy couldn't care less. Worse of the girls who are in a relationship with a guy who doesn’t even know is in one.  

Another thing I noticed is the lack of respect or affection Kenyans show towards each other compared to American relationships. (Well, I'm comparing this to my friend's relationships, not the TV, so relax) and I wonder what these relationships are based on. Some people seem more miserable than happy; I always wonder why they are together.

Do we (I'll say we, cause I am also Kenyan and I'll not exempt myself this time) not know how to love? Do we care too much for PDA that we bother not to show affection? Is a kiss of appreciation not worth giving, even in public? A kiss on the forehead, the chick, or a nice warm hug, hold hands, shit even a kiss on the lips, am not saying jump on her and get down to business there and then. Come on! At least in my case, I don't lie about it. I'd hate to be in a relationship and have no affection for the person I'm dating. Why even bother?

Oh, let’s not forget social media and how couples embrace each other in their profile pictures. How they look at each other, smile, and everything looks so natural with my friends in America. Here in Kenya, as a photographer, trying to take a couple's shoot at times can be torture because everything seems so awkward and forced. I get that you’re shy, but geez... make me feel sorry about making me have to ask you to 'act like you love your partner' for the picture (note the sarcasm by the way).

Makes me wonder, do we settle for love? Do our men and women lack affection? Are we not attracted to one another? I’m I wrong for wanting more than just a smile, a pat on the back, or for wanting more than just a simple friendship?

Maybe it's me... lol maybe I’m happy being single, or say I am. Maybe I'm not really looking for anyone. Maybe I’m contemptuous of the idea of relationships. Maybe that's why couples around me look so fake! 'Maybe,' I mean who knows!!!???

Either way, to all those couples that can proudly say: 

·        They are in relationships because they are ready and want to be in it.

·        They trust each other and are not cheating on one another.

·        They acknowledge each other and encourage each other to be better.

·        They see each other spending the rest of their lives together.

·        They are proud of their partner and want to show them to the world.

To all of you who can easily say those things:

HAPPY VALETINES TO YOU, HAPPY COUPLES!!!

My value and self-worth

These are three paintings put together to create a painting set. I haven't really framed it yet, just put it together for the picture. So anyway, thought I’d share my favorite painting with all of you again. Yes it’s an old one because I haven’t painted in forever. I think the whole of last year came and went without me painting and the funny thing is I’m only realizing that now. Many people are angry at me for not painting, but that’s ok. I hope I still will be able to paint if I ever feel the need to. Until today I haven’t been able to sell a single painting, so I haven't been in a hurry to paint, I’m taking my time. Besides, its feeling up my space in my room. Painting comes with inspiration, and I’ve been drained off. I’m an expressive person and writing seems to be the best way for me to express myself these days.

For all those who’ve begged me to paint, I tell them buy a painting and maybe I’ll paint, or you know what I’ll even make a painting in your honor because I know in the end, no one’s willing to buy my paintings, and am ok with that. If I decide to paint, be it 10, 20 years from now, maybe today, tomorrow… it doesn’t matter… I’ll freaking paint when I want!

Everything I’ve experienced with my talents, such as my paintings, my logos, my photography, my magazine… everything has led me to feel worthless. I’ve valued myself down to nothing. I’ve ended up giving away paintings for free because that’s the only way they get accepted. I've taken pictures for free because that’s the only way I can do photography. I’ve even done logos for free because that’s the only way someone will let me do for them a logo. At least with the logo I was lucky the person liked it enough to ask for another. Still I was afraid to give them the actual price because I value myself so little, and I didn’t want to chase them with a high pricing. My magazine is nonprofitable, if anything I’m running it under a loss, because I have to pay for the website and maintenance: SPINKLY MAGAZINE. Since I’m worth nothing already as it is… or rather its the trend that has been upto the year 2013.

Welcome to my 2014! I REFUSE TO PUT MYSELF DOWN FOR ANYTHING OR ANYONE!!! I value my paintings, and they mean so much to me to give them away for free. The painting above, I priced it at KSH 15,000 enough to chase away clients that want to take advantage of me… because either way I know they will never buy it. Even so, if you ask me what I really feel would be the value of the painting… I think I would sell it for KSH 30,000 and above. I really love that painting, and I doubt I’d part with it for anything else. I spent so much time on that painting, and it’s an original. You won’t find that painting anywhere else. Though the sad fact of the matter is I'll lower its value for the price of opportunity.  Fuck value and opportunity! I can’t say either way I’ve been lucky!

I want to value myself more. I really do! I want to shun all those sweet talkers that caress my ego with sweet nothings that don’t even value my work. I give them props for encouragement because at least they gave me reassurance even though they encourage me further with no delivery. All in all I pray that I’ll have the wisdom to sieve out the haters and sip in the critics that matter.

I want to be that painting that is framed in gold, hanging on the wall as a center piece... not that painting that is hidden among the treasures, because that’s what it feels like. What good is a talent if it’s worth nothing? What is my value and self-worth if so far it’s been nothing? 

All through life I’ve been taught, if it comes easy, then it’s too good to be true. Life is a struggle, and what a big struggle it has been for me.

A Jerk Of All Trades But A Master In None

I would rather be that person who knows forever what they want and they go for it. They direct their whole life towards achieving that goal because it’s their target.

I can't say my choices have ever been easy. Growing up I was always that child that knew wanted to be a doctor. I had prepared myself, I loved doctors and doctors loved me. Even after I was admitted when I was nine years old after surviving a fatal accident that scarred me for life... I still knew I wanted to be a doctor. During my admission and doctor visits my nurses gave me tours and I'd write them essays on how I admired their work and how I wanted to be a doctor someday. I felt like the medical field was my calling and no one could tell me otherwise. 

I can't say that path was ever easy. God knows I struggled. Anyway, no one said life is ever easy right? Oh my God I worked so hard! I was always engraved in my books. I missed out on my childhood. I was that geek that fought so hard to make it through life. I chose my subjects accordingly because I had already set my goals and everyone cheered me on. Even when I failed I got up and tried again and I succeeded, such a vicious cycle, sometimes I wonder if it was only to prove a point.  However, the tears, they were so much! They left me wounded. Even when I succeeded, it wasn't satisfactory, because it was always by a landslide. It was never enough. I was sad. I wasn’t happy, and I never felt at peace with myself.

I prayed about it. I cried about it. I wondered about it. Untill finally I was lost, confused. When do you know when to call a spade a spade? I knew it was time, and I knew some things are just not cut out for me anymore. I'm happy I got my Bachelor of Science degree in biology (pre-med). Especially because they were times I wanted to quite. Everyone encouraged me, my professors especially. Oh how I love them! They were my friends, and they tutored me, oh how I learned a lot from them. I even spent my thanks giving holidays with them. I had left my family at home, thousands of miles away, only to get a higher learning.

I can’t say the number of times everyone reminded me of my childhood dreams, because they were so many. I swear the memories made me happy just thinking about them. If I could have a conversation with my childhood, I’d ask myself, “Why a doctor?” It gave me such inner joy, and certainty. I didn’t doubt it then. I knew it was my purpose. This is the person I’ve wanted to please all my life: My younger self, the ambitious one, the one that had a goal.

The hardest day for me is the day I decided to stop. I looked at myself in the mirror, my present. I realized I need to stop living in the past. I’m chasing childhood dreams that don’t do me any good. It’s even had to admit it to myself. I feel like not chasing those dreams has lost a big part of me. And it has, cause who I’m I now?

I’ve been slowly waring out, faster than I should. I realized growing up I had never taken the time to look around me, see the world around me. It was like that path you walk every day, back and forth always in a hurry and you one day decide to stop and smell the flowers; You didn’t even notice they were there. That was the day I listened to my desires to paint. I took a paint brush, I painted, and it was beautiful. I had lived all my life chasing a dream that I had missed out on discovering who I was and now I discovered this whole new side of me. I had never known such creativity. Up until now I feel like am still searching. I feel like I don’t know who this new person is. Everything I try I’m told am good at. It’s both a blessing and a curse, because in the end I am a jerk of all trades, but a master in none. 

Cover Art

I've been working on some spinkly cover texts that I thought I'd share with you before the year is over cause I thought they belonged in the open. I have some of them saved as my screen saver templates but I'll show the cover version of them on here. I left out a couple, so yes, there's a lot more.. although some I'm not too sure about. So this is where you're help comes in. Tell me whether its a toss or a keeper.

Wish the blog was more interactive so that you could help me out a little bit but one of my friends said they have a problem commenting, so guess that's a bummer. For those who can get to comment, please do and let me know what you think. If you want me to create one for you let me know and I can do it for you. I won't charge too high, so don't worry about the price. 

Betther yet the first person to hit me up get's a customed cover made for their facebook/twitter/header.. I don't know, wherever you want to use it. If not that I could make you a customed screen saver.

Ok, let me just jump right into it, here are 10 samples: 

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There are the ten covers. Please comment bellow and tell me your favourite :-)

Oh Christmas Tree!!!

This Christmas I'm giving you twenty beautiful pictures of my Christmas tree. I didn't know where else to share them and not many people appreciate pictures as much as I do. Either way, if you're interested you can scroll down and leave your comments under.

The tree itself:

I decided I'd show a bit more details of the tree:

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Like my photography page: Spinkly Photography

Tell me which one is your favourtite below: 

Your photography vs my photography and what it really means

You know it’s funny but I can't help but be doubtful sometimes. Even if I'm told thousands of times to be positive about the things I do.

 I try though, I really do! If I didn't try I wouldn't continue to take pictures.

So anyway, I have a photography page on here below: Please like the page and show support cause in the end numbers do count or so I tell myself, and then I rethink that statement later on.

Click below to view my photography page on facebook, and to see more photos taken by me:

SPINKLY PHOTOGRAPHY

 I've realized I've been shy about showing my work lately. There are so many good photographers out there that have such amazing work. I can't help but feel trashed in every way. I can't help but feel that other people are making comparisons and laughing at my work because I've seen the beauty of other people's work. Yes, I can't even try and compete with them, or make mine anything similar. Although I have to remember the reason I'm doing this is because I love it and it's not about getting accepted into the world of photography. It's not about the judgment I get from the public view. 

I realize I was more comfortable posting my work on my facebook fanpage because my audience wasn't that big. Believe me, 230 likes is bigger than I thought I'd reach and as the numbers grow I lose my confidence in my work. I feel like the world is watching, and expecting the works of Mutua Matheka on my page and other great photographers. No no no I am not them!!! I don't know what Camera's they use, I can't even try and imagine. If I wanted to copy them, and do everything like every great photographer, then what is Spinkly. Can't I just make a fan page and share all the beautiful pictures of other great photographers?

The funny thing is I never planned that I'd become a photographer. I still don't even consider myself as a photographer. Some people do, and I’m ok with it. I'll call myself a photographer because yes indeed I take photos. So ok, I'll just go with it. I guess if anything it's indeed a compliment, because somebody somewhere appreciates my work and you are awesome for that! I take pictures all the time (lots of them) and post them facebook profile. I have so many albums its ridiculous! I don't think my friends see the fascination in nature and the random things I take, so I thought if I started a fan page and fill it with my random photos instead of filling up my facebook timeline, then that would be ok. So then I posted my work there for the world to see, away from my personal profile timeline and someone even suggested that I put a sign on my pictures!!! So I created a logo as advised. It was simple, but it was needed. See the logo I created then:

I was too excited with the fact that I came up with that logo on my own and that I'd post it on my pictures that showed they were associated with me. Also with the fact that someone thought my pictures deserved to be identified. So heck yeahhhh!!!! Go Spinkly Photography!!! 

As the days went on from them, I became interested in photography. I started looking around at other people's photos, which I loved. I mean, really loved!!! HAVE YOU SEEN PROFESSIONAL PHOTOGRAPHERS AT WORK??? The more I became more interested in photography and compared myself with others, the more I've become more critical in my work. I realized that am that grain in the sand. See that grain in this picture below? 

Yeah me neither, I don't see it. My point exactly!

Maybe the reason I feel so judged is because I have other photographers criticizing my work too often, which you would think it’s a good thing. I mean how else do you grow as a photographer? So not that I should care or be bugged about it, but at some point I guess I do. I feel like so much is expected of me, even when it was supposed to have been fun from the beginning. I take pictures because I like taking pictures, I mean, who doesn't? Who doesn't want to freeze a moment in time and have it with them forever? A picture is the actual thing, geez your mind can only remember so much... Who wouldn't want an image of their happy past moments? So yes, that's what's cool about a picture… it captures a moment in your lifetime! 

Here's another thing, when someone comes and judges your picture telling you everything that's wrong with it, it’s annoying! Then they want to tell you how you can fix it and make it better, maybe even make it look more fake. That just takes away the aspect of me taking the picture in the first place. In fact it makes me mad…Yes am a perfectionist and I like things perfect sometimes, I agree... yes I wish I could have taken a better picture so maybe in that other person's eyes its ugly and maybe they don't like it. All am thinking at the time is, you can't turn back time. If I could yes I could! I'd have a better camera and I'd have a better image with me. The pissing part is I wasn't able to capture the essence of the beauty that my eyes saw at the time of that moment and share the magical moment with the viewer as exactly as it was. However, in the end it’s not about the viewer’s conception, it’s about mine and what I remember from it. There's nothing more satisfying and rewarding knowing that the picture is from my moment in time, and not somebodies else's. That I was there at that particular moment in time to be able to capture that image you see now on 2D and that I’m able to share that beautiful moment at that particular time with somebody else. That through my lens of my camera, I'll have that particular memory forever, and I'll always look back and experience it like it was. So in the end it doesn't matter what the viewer has to say because they weren't there. Their comments are based on secondary information that any other viewer makes judgments based on what they see from a capture of my memory. Yet every time I look at the picture, it’s different for me, because to me it’s a piece of me... It's a moment re-live in my lifetime. That the moment was special and so that's good enough for me. That's what's beautiful to me in a picture, and I don't think people see it like that. I call it my 'I was here stamp in life!'

So yes, you're probably right! This picture below is a beautiful picture of New York, A panoramic view taken midday in Manhattan. It’s way more cooler than my picture of course or better than any of the pictures I ever took when I was there. 

I wish I knew who took it. Reason I sign my pictures... 

However, this next picture is taken by me. It means so much more to me as a photographer because I was there. The view was beautiful, breathtaking, words can't describe, and every time I look at it I remember! It's one of my memories and a part of me I wouldn't be able to share, but I can share this shot with you. That's what photography is to me!

Taken from New York at night

No I did not take it with a professional camera, like the one posted prior to this but used I used my 14 Megapixel sony cyber shot camera. It still served the purpose; I will still remember it, and what's even better is that it was taken by me! So yes I signed it, and it’s one of my photography. Nothing professional, but it has my stamp on it! 

I'm sure if I could take that picture with a better camera I'd do it over.. but its still my picture and what I took then.

I've also changed the signing on my photography, especially since someone went and copied it. 

I'm not to good with staying with the same logo. Someone asked me if they could do a photography logo for me, but I refuced because of course there's a cool in knowing you did the logo on your own. So then I sign pictures with the one above now.

I was also looking up the log below as a signature, so then I use it sometimes cause I thought it had a bit of edge.

Please comment below if you like it... 

This is how it looks on a picture I took on my birthday which was on Friday the 13th (I know but I was lucky on that day, so no worries!)

Happy to say my photography is improving with time, hopefully I'll get a lot better! I wan't to preserve my memories a lot better!!! So then my photography is not just primary satisfaction, but secondary as well :-)

IF LIFE WAS A SOAP OPERA

I'm a fan of Soap Operas… well not really like I used to be before. These days I just watch the first few episodes, get the idea of the characters and then wait until the end. Of course I’d wait until the end because it’s always a happy ending! I wouldn’t want to stress myself out throughout the show seeing evil succeed; I like to know there’s a reward for the good and that’s always at the end.

So then it got me thinking; what if life was a soap opera and we all had our roles to play? Who then would I be?

In my head I’m the lead actress. Then again, one who falls in love? The one whom we all adore and wish to be, the one whom the show revolves around? The pretty girl that finds her prince charming, they have their ups and downs all through the show then finally in the end they get together? Would I be the girl that ends up living in a castle with her prince charming. Or is it the hacienda?

Then there always the obstacles:

The rich girl/poor girl that finds a rich man… the poor girl works her butt off, she’s always struggling and the rich man finds her and sweeps her off her feet. The parents then hate her because she’s not of their standards. 

There’s that character that will always be there to prevent these two love birds from being together. The one who is jealous! This character always gets the sad ending: They go crazy, get locked up, change their ways and confess all their wrong doings or maybe they  just die all alone.

Then there’s the second relevant character, the one who is either best friends with the lead character. They also have their own romance story. Sometimes they fight with the lead character for the same guy. At least somewhere along the way always turns out there’s someone else for them. Yes they are pretty, but I guess their story is not effective enough to play the main role.

 Where do I fit in? Where is my prince charming? I’m I the character with the sad ending? The one who ends up alone in the end… hated by everybody else. Or am I not fit enough to play the lead role? I’m I the in-betweens that my story is not strong or good enough to be told? I’m I that person who just strings along and in the end it doesn’t matter what happens to them? Even if I'm the lead role, does it have to be such a struggle to get to be with my prince charming? Better yet, if there’s really a prince charming for every one… where are you my Alejandro, I want my happy ending!?