In my head

You want to know what goes on in my head? I'm going crazy!!! I feel like am soon going to crush at some point. There's so much I want to do but I just can't do it anymore. There's little time to do them all. The sound of a ticking clock drives me insane. I don't want to be reminded I'm running out of time .I feel like am running a race. A  blind race without an obvious finish line. I need a planner, but even with a planner, its heavily filled.

Wish I could tear myself into pieces and just work on everything as seperate people. I love too many things, but I'm not specializing in any of them, who would? I'm all over the place!!!

Let me get this straight.. I love animation, I feel like I can't live without not doing animation. But it kills me that I don't get free time to advance. Plus it takes so much time. I like doing the intros, and modeling stuff like rooms and what not. But I'm always busy with other things.

Here's a room I've been working on 3D max for the longest time.... If it was my wish I'd be a master in this program and I'd make the best animation movies!!! 

I love nailart, I wish I could have a blog and just talk about my nails like that of My Simple Little Pleasures then make videos etc. But I never get time for that. So then I just end up taking a picture of the finished work and posting it on this page: 

See my nailart pictures

Even though I know how to edit videos and everything. I just dont get the time. Cause am working on something else.

Then there's photography. I finally got a studio with the lighting equipment and everything and am so excited. But I haven't got it running, they are so many things I still need to set up like my website which am working on. Check it out here:SPINKLY PHOTOGRAPHY on so many great ideas I have for it. And yes am creating it on my own. Still havent finished it yet. Cause am doing too many things at the same time and I'm all over the place. 

I also like to do logos when they let me and am happy to be paid for that :-) Here's samples of logo's I've done for 2 people. There's some I do for fun, just so I get to know how to operate photoshop and cool softwares like that. If I had more time on my hand I'd teach myself illustrator and in design. But now am still advancing on the photoshop, after effects, premier, and gimp. 

 

Oh how I love to write, I write articles, I try to keep up with my blogs. I wish I could write a book sometime. I've been saying am writing one for the longest. I already know what I'm writing on, even have the concept...  but for now I'm happy when I just get to breath. As we speak am busy with a script am writing for a movie. Yes I've writen one before, so this is my second one. Excited! I plan on shooting the film am writing the script for, cause i think it will be fun to do. I've always wanted to create a film. 

I am also currently working on an advertising project. It's the first official one. Well sort of.. here's a fun advert project I for school. Blame blogger for not loading it properly. But its a video of a video. The teacher doesn't let me keep my projects, even if its my work. So I don't have all the awesome work I did in school to add on my portfolio. Here's a glimpse of it:

Then there's the magazine: This one drives me crazy just trying to keep up with it every month. I have to make sure that its continuos and that its running. I atleast get 10,000+ viewers on the site. The readers and writers are awesome! Cover girls come over for shoots and I have to edit the cover. When am short of articles its up to me to write them so that there's enough for show. check out the magazine on this link: Spinkly Magazine

Currently putting together next month's issue, cause the month is almost over. So am especially busy with that. I pre-edit all the articles before I send them to my editor and go through them again and post them up on the site.

I love painting, but I havent painted in years now. Mostly because I havent got the time. This is still my favourite painting:

I havent sold any painting in a while. So I don't care too much about the painting part of me. Well as long as am looking at the stash of paintings in my room, am good because they are telling me, we are still here, and we aint going anywhere. So no need to multiply us. 

I also work on promo videos, here's a promo video I did to help a friend promote his new book:

Here's the link to the video.. 

Ndiritu Wahome's The Sad Artist and Other Fairytales

I love music, so when I get the time, am producing beats and jingles for my creative small clips that I come up with. Or looking up tutorials on how to better myself on fruity loops. Just a simple work like this takes a lot of time to do.. you wouldn't believe it. It's created on 3D max, Fruity loops and Adobe premier...

There's these and a whole lot of other stuff I work on, plus lets not forget going through tutorials to get better at what I do. 

And the funny thing is if you ask me what am doing, I'll still say am doing nothing. Cause all of it, is nothing to some people. Cause for now I still have nothing to show for all the things am trying to do. 

I promised I'd atleast post up two articles every month this year. So that my blog isn't deserted. So this is me....always busy! All over the place! Crazy with ideas and inlove with everything. 

In shot am an exploding time bomb. 

Age does not define you:

As the years go by and as the older I get almost nearing my 30s, the more excuses come along. I don’t want to have to regret about not having done something because I let my age get in the way.  Let ‘So what!?’ be the motto in terms of age. If you want to do something, do something. If someone wants to say something, let them say something! But don’t let them stop you from doing what you want to do because they think otherwise. Someone’s opinion of you does not have to become your reality.

People ask me how I look so young at my age, here’s why:

 I’m never too old for success:

If you wake up every day hating what you do and you do it anyway then why do you still do it? Don’t you realize that you are the one who makes the difference? Change is an initiative and you don’t want to spend the rest of your life regretting it. It’s up to you to change what you can. Do it as many times you feel you need to because your happiness matters. Procrastination is a disease and you never know how long you have. If you have dreams planned for the future how about you try working on them now? Trust me… you’ll be happy you did. Besides if any worst scenario: better to fail at it now, than wait until later to fail then and wonder what next? Failure is bound to happen, don’t make it your destination by saying you’re too old to try something else. Even then, age shouldn’t define you. Opportunity is always present, take the bull by the horn. Then you can thank me later.

I'm never too old to try new things:

Since when did you become too old to try something you never did when you were younger? Just because it was made for kids, doesn’t mean you can’t try it too because you missed the opportunity when you were younger. I remember at a point my mum used to refuse to take ice cream as a snack, or take candy because she always said those are for kids. Now am glad she takes ice cream ones in a while because she changed her opinion on stuff like that. She also deserves the pleasures that life offers. Allow yourself to get lost in the moment even for a few seconds and remind yourself what it is like to be a child again. Even if it means jumping on that jumping castle with the kids. It's a good story to tell. At least you'll have known what if feels like instead of always wondering what it feels like.

I'm never too old to be seen around here:

Ever wanted to go back to school and relearn some things or take a course but because the whole class is about half your age, you are embarrassed? I know, this can be very discouraging and humiliating especially when you are the oldest one there. But life is always a learning process. You’re never too old to learn. Don’t be ashamed to learn from the younger ones. Everyone has something to teach in these different generations, give your ears a listen and take note.

I'm never too old to dress like this:

Isn't it annoying when someone says you shouldn't be wearing that because of abcd but you look so good in it anyway!? Do not limit yourself from wearing a sexy outfit on a night out because someone else wants to be a grandma. I look good then so be it! Let me show my curves and feel sexy whenever I can. This body needs to be loved and appreciated. When I’m old and gray and can cover up a bit more, I’ll be happy I didn’t decide to cover up sooner than I should have.

I'm never too old for this shit:

Maybe you’re at an event with your child or younger siblings and you feel you don’t belong because you’re too old. Maybe you love dancing and everyone in the club looks a lot younger, having so much fun, and you decide you can’t enjoy yourself because you’re too old for that shit. Maybe you can't pull an all nighter like you used to, doesn't mean you can't enjoy the music and party a little bit. Therefore, join in on the fun! Make a fool of yourself! Later you can remember to be responsibly. Besides, YOLO!

The love spell

I have been thinking a lot about love and I hate it. The last thing I wanted to do was make this blog about love but seems like it’s taking over my mind so please, bare with me. Love is something I try avoiding but guess it’s inevitable.

I see now that I don’t believe in love. Love is a choice. We don’t just fall in love. We decide we want to love, who we want to love, and when we want to do it. Our first actions on love are usually guided by the physical appearance.

In my case, I’ve realized I attract all kinds of weirdos. I say that because all those that have told me that they are interested have never been my type. If I entertain it’s because I compromise so I can go deeper and figure out what it is that I like about the person. Actually that is what you’re expected to do while entering a relationship by basically taking a cheap shot and hoping for the best.

My types of guys are usually too busy being chased by other fine girls and I’m not that type of girl. I’d rather watch from the sideline, admire, and desire to be chased. Normally that doesn’t happen. Good guys are usually taken and I respect that. In the long run, I never get what I want.

In result, I’ve been contempt with the idea of being single; that I don’t even bother or care for those that make moves. I’m not really in the mood of settling… assuming that everyone I want is taken and the trend recurs. What’s to say I could give the time of day to those who holla? Besides, I’m never interested.

I had an interesting discussion with one of my close friends where she told how she was inspired by some romance story she had read about in some magazine. She shared the story with me and yes it was indeed beautiful like she had said. She pointed out that she hadn’t given up on love and that I shouldn’t too. I guess I reek of everything against love.

Though what is love? Don’t get me wrong, am a sucker for love. I mean sucker for love as a third persona. I could read all the romance novels and movies in the world. Who wouldn't love a good love story and want to get lost in their love spell. In the end of it all the same remains; we are all born differently. We all have our own stories. Just because someone else found love, doesn’t mean I will. As of yet, my love story hasn't been written. 

Meanwhile I've realized we don’t get married because we love each other. We marry for convenience, companionship. The most important thing in marriage is commitment, not love. That’s what makes us last longer. Maybe one day I will choose to notice that loser that loves me. Maybe then I’ll chose to learn to love them, settle down with them, get married... because in that case it’s better to be loved than to love.

Lovelorn

Funny how you don't know someone and yet when you see them for the first time, your heart skips a beat, you forget to breath, your world spins because your drawn to them, lost in the stare. Perhaps a physical attraction, I’m not really sure what to call it.

It feels like I had a past life with them in it and that we loved each other. That our love is overflowing from then to now and so we have a connection. I see you looking; I feel it, along with the sense of déjà vu. The love force so strong, it creates an attraction pull that only our worlds beyond can explain. All we do is keep a daze because we don’t understand it, more so it’s a beautiful thing. I decide fate must have brought us together.

In that moment I’m always lost for words. I’d never be the first to say anything and because I don’t say it, I never know. I assume that the feeling is mutual. Normally the moment is replayed slower in my head, as if time froze over; yes, a slow-motion occurrence. Even if it feels unreal, no matter how many times I second guess, I tell myself over and over again and reassure myself that you must have felt it too. Well at least I hope you did. So then I allow it, I enjoy the moment, I swirl in it, make it last forever, daydream. Until I’m lost in my thoughts since that’s as far as it ever goes, I create a whole world for both of us and imagine what we could have been.

Familiar is only measured by a moment not a life time. If it lasts any longer it’s a lifestyle. Therefore, I know that moments like this don’t last forever. In other words I will never see you again. If am lucky maybe fate will be kind and bring you back to me. That maybe we will see each other again; have another moment. Maybe then I’ll have courage. Either way, why even bother? It’s not like we were meant to be, or were we?

Eventually you disappear. You are only a memory. I don’t see you again. I’m hurt, as if it were real. It must have revised it so many times because I don’t remember it clearly. I can’t tell the difference with what I made up and what was real. I am stupid for dwelling in the moment and crying for something we never had. I tell myself;

 “It isn’t worth it, never was. I’ll never love. I am lovelorn.”

Life!

My life has made me such a cold bitch!

I’ve built up a stone wall around me and trust no one but myself. If I trust you it’s probably because am thinking at the time ‘Matter over mind’ rather than ‘mind over matter’.

I’ve learn that if I get comfortable with the things I have at the moment, then I’ll never find happiness in the things that I long for because nothing comes easy unless I go out and get it myself.

I’ve learn that luck is optional; it is not given. We don’t always have luck; that bad things happen to everybody and so I am not an exception.

I’ve learn that it is easy to be bitter for so long without even realizing it. Realization is necessary to close wounds that hurt me and enable me to make peace with myself for a better mind.

I’ve learned that I worry because of the unknown, more so because my life could change at any moment and that I’m never sure when and whether it will be good or bad.

I’ve learned that the mind can be your worst enemy. Creating events and scenarios unimaginable that builds so much fear. You can let it destroy you or learn to realize that it’s not real. Therefore, fear is a choice.

I’ve learned that life isn’t easy, but without life we are dead. 

Something About Humility

I really have admiration for humility in others and I’ve realized it’s something I want to find in myself. I keep finding myself complaining about the lack of value and self-worth over and over again and this story has got tired. I realized that I don’t value myself at all. I don’t value myself even now, and so what makes me think I’ll ever find value myself even if I was at a better position.

Funny I was watching Lupita’s interview with Lilian Muli on Citizen, you can watch it below: (Skip to 20:30 onward if you don’t want to watch the whole video).

 When she talks about value and everything she said on that and also about humbling yourself. Her words are so powerful because I realized that’s me, the whiner. I don’t really find value in anything, even in the smallest things or appreciate what’s in front of me right now.

All my life I’ve been seeking for something that I don’t have, or wanting what I don’t have and I’ve been forgetting about what’s there in front of me. I really need to change that. I want to be able to serve others without complaining. I’m working on that. I need to stop bickering about silly things and change my attitudes towards life. I need to be able to give, even more than I have. Not caring about tomorrow, but caring about the joys which today bring.

The Good book says, and I really love this: (My Sunday reading in church by the way!)

Mathew 6: 25-26

“Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you shall eat or what you shall drink, nor about your body more than your clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not more value than they?”

I’m seeking humility in this Lent period. 

A dozen flowers

As a photographer I love taking flowers, especially because they are so bright and colourful. They give such beautiful essence to the environment and they smell good too. Too bad you can't smell them on here. Anyway, thought I'd share with you my twelve favourite flower photos that I have taken. February is indeed the month of love, so why not give you flowers...

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 Tell me your favorite!