Battling Emotions

check out: Spinkly Photography

This hasn't been my best of months. It's like even though there is a lot of happiness at a point in our lives, it comes along with sadness. Nature finds a way to restore the balance. In the end we still choose what makes us who we are. We can choose to focus on the sadness that destroys us or choose to pick up on the things that bring us joy, gives us strength and keep us going.

I’ve said many times I represent most things in the form of art. It helps me express myself best, considering that I love creativity. I express my happiness through my photography, by capturing all the good moments. My pictures allow me to have memories to look back to, remember, and enjoy again. I let out the sadness in the form of writing. My writings express the sadness I feel at the time. It helps organize my thoughts. If not words; a painting will do, only because sometimes sadness is hard to express. In extreme sadness, only our imagination can help explain what we can’t say. I mean, who wants to talk about bad things, leave alone having to write them down. It lets out way too much emotion. Therefore, seeing it will make you understand, so I paint. Lucky for me, I haven’t painted in a while. I guess that could mean I’m getting better at writing down my thoughts and expressing myself. Plus I don’t care too much about what other people think.

This month so many people have taken advantage of me. They have exploited my kindness, my hopes and dreams. It has hurt me a lot. I’ve been weakened so many times, over and over again. I even cried myself to sleep a couple of times. Woke up only to cry again and have to front a smile for the rest of the day. At the same time, a lot of people have been there to pick up the pieces and help me get back on my feet. Such are my secret angels that God sent with messages to keep me strong and going.

The biggest lesson I’ve learned this month, is that how we choose to control our emotions is what makes us who we are. If we are not able to control our emotions, we become powerless, we become someone else and that's why people change. You can either chose to be bitter with the world, or chose to fight against it and stay true to yourself.

I AM FADING

I feel it all around me. You don't have to tell me. Everything is slowly disappearing One by one,  everything is becoming irrelevant. I'm not even bothered. silence is all I long for. To be left alone. In the accompaniment of my thoughts. At least my thoughts are honest. They show me what I want. I can imagine the world I wanted for myself. Everything that I've always longed for and failed to get. At least in my mind... I can picture it. Somewhat it can be real, get lost in my fantasy, pretend, anything is better than my reality.

If only I could escape forever. If only I could demand my reality and make everything ok. Instead I know my fate and I hate it. It hurts.  I'm in pain all the time and  it sucks. I don't know how long am going to hold it, pretending everything is ok while I am slowly dying inside. Everything inside me is being eaten away. I can't do anything about it. Soon I won't be able to hide it.

Maybe if I keep the silence. It will be less painful. Maybe it will go away on its own. Maybe one day I'll wake up and it will all have been a bad dream. Maybe I can hope on miracles. Yes maybe my faith will heal me and it will all just go away. Never to be known.

Unfortunately, that's not the case. Every day I wake up. Happy am still here. I got another shot at life. I am thankful. Then I feel it, it's still there. It's not gone anywhere, the pain is real. I remember my fate. I wonder, try to justify everything, calculate how much time I have left... but in the end, my fate remains the same. I am fading. 

Lonesome

Doesn’t matter what I do or say because everything is pointless

Nothing has meaning anymore

I’m so tired!

 Tired of trying, tired of hoping, tired of all the wishful thinking, tired of lying to myself that I can when I know I can’t.  

I wish the grass was greener on the other side, but it isn’t! It never has been, never will be, it’s all in my head cause even on the other side, it’s all the same. It’s always been the same, there’s no difference. Nothing to fight for, nothing to achieve!

What’s a goal without a score or what’s a score without a goal? Nothing! They both are nothing when they stand alone.

I stand alone, am so alone. I look around me and I realize that yes I am alone. I’ve always been alone. Doesn’t matter where or with whom, I’m always alone and I see that now.

Nobody cares, nobody sees, nobody listens, nobody understands.

The thrill, the eagerness is all varnished, disappeared. I’ve gone silent in worry. I’m so despaired, so disappointed!

No one to talk to, no one to make clear of the things I can’t explain myself. No way to make another understand if I myself cannot even understand.

So much bugging, so little to say… I’m quiet, in my mind, lost in worry, my insanity, it drives me crazy.

Who needs explanation anyway? Besides, is it yours or mine to figure out? Who cares?

Not a damn body!

Not a mind or soul!

Not even my dreams. They aren’t valid.

My dreams, everything is all so vague. Maybe it isn’t vague, maybe I just know the answer to the question but I don’t like it. I don’t want to hear it, so I avoid, I run and I escape, every time! Only to end up in the same place… Nowhere! 

Always the bigger picture

Let me plant out this scenario for those who fail to see the bigger picture...

There are four communities, A, B, C and D.
A leader from community A has been appointed to take care of all A, B, C and D.
There is enmity towards A and C community because C did not win at being in charge of A, B, C and D.

A problem occurs, and most of community A are hurt.
Community A decides to blame community C without evidence... however all four communities were harmed in the attack.

In the end, there is no further action taken to prevent further attacks from occurring against each other to protect all communities A, B, C and D.

However, having told all other communities that the likelihood that community C is to blame for the attack seems to be enough for community A though they are possibly innocent. They are celebrating and cheering on knowing that they have enmity community C... so power to community A.

Now everyone thinks of community C as the possible attackers, which manages  to bring further enmity towards them.

In the end the possibility that the attack will happen again still remains, because there is a chance that either A, B, C and D did it. Since there is no evidence that C did it.

In the likelihood that community C did it and is arrested for the attack having being guilty. The fact that the attack happened in the first place and could happen again in the future should be addressed.

Meaning that, putting in C does not solve the problem. No further measures have been taken to ensure the safety for communities A, B and D in the likelihood that they could disagree. All that happened was community C was locked up.

In the assumption that C is innocent because A accused them, all other communities already judge C and enmity then builds up towards them even though community C is accused. On top of that, still all communities are not protected from further attacks.

In the end, everyone is left unprotected: no suggestions or solving of the problem at hand, nor prevention of communities from attacking each other further, no hand shakes made to resolve the community problems in terms of tension, no security has been appointed in any of the communities at large... and all communities continue to live with enmity towards each other then there's a divide.

In shot, the moral of the story is solve the problems at large because there's always a deeper/root problem. Fixing the surface problem doesn't solve anything.

In my head

You want to know what goes on in my head? I'm going crazy!!! I feel like am soon going to crush at some point. There's so much I want to do but I just can't do it anymore. There's little time to do them all. The sound of a ticking clock drives me insane. I don't want to be reminded I'm running out of time .I feel like am running a race. A  blind race without an obvious finish line. I need a planner, but even with a planner, its heavily filled.

Wish I could tear myself into pieces and just work on everything as seperate people. I love too many things, but I'm not specializing in any of them, who would? I'm all over the place!!!

Let me get this straight.. I love animation, I feel like I can't live without not doing animation. But it kills me that I don't get free time to advance. Plus it takes so much time. I like doing the intros, and modeling stuff like rooms and what not. But I'm always busy with other things.

Here's a room I've been working on 3D max for the longest time.... If it was my wish I'd be a master in this program and I'd make the best animation movies!!! 

I love nailart, I wish I could have a blog and just talk about my nails like that of My Simple Little Pleasures then make videos etc. But I never get time for that. So then I just end up taking a picture of the finished work and posting it on this page: 

See my nailart pictures

Even though I know how to edit videos and everything. I just dont get the time. Cause am working on something else.

Then there's photography. I finally got a studio with the lighting equipment and everything and am so excited. But I haven't got it running, they are so many things I still need to set up like my website which am working on. Check it out here:SPINKLY PHOTOGRAPHY on so many great ideas I have for it. And yes am creating it on my own. Still havent finished it yet. Cause am doing too many things at the same time and I'm all over the place. 

I also like to do logos when they let me and am happy to be paid for that :-) Here's samples of logo's I've done for 2 people. There's some I do for fun, just so I get to know how to operate photoshop and cool softwares like that. If I had more time on my hand I'd teach myself illustrator and in design. But now am still advancing on the photoshop, after effects, premier, and gimp. 

 

Oh how I love to write, I write articles, I try to keep up with my blogs. I wish I could write a book sometime. I've been saying am writing one for the longest. I already know what I'm writing on, even have the concept...  but for now I'm happy when I just get to breath. As we speak am busy with a script am writing for a movie. Yes I've writen one before, so this is my second one. Excited! I plan on shooting the film am writing the script for, cause i think it will be fun to do. I've always wanted to create a film. 

I am also currently working on an advertising project. It's the first official one. Well sort of.. here's a fun advert project I for school. Blame blogger for not loading it properly. But its a video of a video. The teacher doesn't let me keep my projects, even if its my work. So I don't have all the awesome work I did in school to add on my portfolio. Here's a glimpse of it:

Then there's the magazine: This one drives me crazy just trying to keep up with it every month. I have to make sure that its continuos and that its running. I atleast get 10,000+ viewers on the site. The readers and writers are awesome! Cover girls come over for shoots and I have to edit the cover. When am short of articles its up to me to write them so that there's enough for show. check out the magazine on this link: Spinkly Magazine

Currently putting together next month's issue, cause the month is almost over. So am especially busy with that. I pre-edit all the articles before I send them to my editor and go through them again and post them up on the site.

I love painting, but I havent painted in years now. Mostly because I havent got the time. This is still my favourite painting:

I havent sold any painting in a while. So I don't care too much about the painting part of me. Well as long as am looking at the stash of paintings in my room, am good because they are telling me, we are still here, and we aint going anywhere. So no need to multiply us. 

I also work on promo videos, here's a promo video I did to help a friend promote his new book:

Here's the link to the video.. 

Ndiritu Wahome's The Sad Artist and Other Fairytales

I love music, so when I get the time, am producing beats and jingles for my creative small clips that I come up with. Or looking up tutorials on how to better myself on fruity loops. Just a simple work like this takes a lot of time to do.. you wouldn't believe it. It's created on 3D max, Fruity loops and Adobe premier...

There's these and a whole lot of other stuff I work on, plus lets not forget going through tutorials to get better at what I do. 

And the funny thing is if you ask me what am doing, I'll still say am doing nothing. Cause all of it, is nothing to some people. Cause for now I still have nothing to show for all the things am trying to do. 

I promised I'd atleast post up two articles every month this year. So that my blog isn't deserted. So this is me....always busy! All over the place! Crazy with ideas and inlove with everything. 

In shot am an exploding time bomb. 

Age does not define you:

As the years go by and as the older I get almost nearing my 30s, the more excuses come along. I don’t want to have to regret about not having done something because I let my age get in the way.  Let ‘So what!?’ be the motto in terms of age. If you want to do something, do something. If someone wants to say something, let them say something! But don’t let them stop you from doing what you want to do because they think otherwise. Someone’s opinion of you does not have to become your reality.

People ask me how I look so young at my age, here’s why:

 I’m never too old for success:

If you wake up every day hating what you do and you do it anyway then why do you still do it? Don’t you realize that you are the one who makes the difference? Change is an initiative and you don’t want to spend the rest of your life regretting it. It’s up to you to change what you can. Do it as many times you feel you need to because your happiness matters. Procrastination is a disease and you never know how long you have. If you have dreams planned for the future how about you try working on them now? Trust me… you’ll be happy you did. Besides if any worst scenario: better to fail at it now, than wait until later to fail then and wonder what next? Failure is bound to happen, don’t make it your destination by saying you’re too old to try something else. Even then, age shouldn’t define you. Opportunity is always present, take the bull by the horn. Then you can thank me later.

I'm never too old to try new things:

Since when did you become too old to try something you never did when you were younger? Just because it was made for kids, doesn’t mean you can’t try it too because you missed the opportunity when you were younger. I remember at a point my mum used to refuse to take ice cream as a snack, or take candy because she always said those are for kids. Now am glad she takes ice cream ones in a while because she changed her opinion on stuff like that. She also deserves the pleasures that life offers. Allow yourself to get lost in the moment even for a few seconds and remind yourself what it is like to be a child again. Even if it means jumping on that jumping castle with the kids. It's a good story to tell. At least you'll have known what if feels like instead of always wondering what it feels like.

I'm never too old to be seen around here:

Ever wanted to go back to school and relearn some things or take a course but because the whole class is about half your age, you are embarrassed? I know, this can be very discouraging and humiliating especially when you are the oldest one there. But life is always a learning process. You’re never too old to learn. Don’t be ashamed to learn from the younger ones. Everyone has something to teach in these different generations, give your ears a listen and take note.

I'm never too old to dress like this:

Isn't it annoying when someone says you shouldn't be wearing that because of abcd but you look so good in it anyway!? Do not limit yourself from wearing a sexy outfit on a night out because someone else wants to be a grandma. I look good then so be it! Let me show my curves and feel sexy whenever I can. This body needs to be loved and appreciated. When I’m old and gray and can cover up a bit more, I’ll be happy I didn’t decide to cover up sooner than I should have.

I'm never too old for this shit:

Maybe you’re at an event with your child or younger siblings and you feel you don’t belong because you’re too old. Maybe you love dancing and everyone in the club looks a lot younger, having so much fun, and you decide you can’t enjoy yourself because you’re too old for that shit. Maybe you can't pull an all nighter like you used to, doesn't mean you can't enjoy the music and party a little bit. Therefore, join in on the fun! Make a fool of yourself! Later you can remember to be responsibly. Besides, YOLO!

The love spell

I have been thinking a lot about love and I hate it. The last thing I wanted to do was make this blog about love but seems like it’s taking over my mind so please, bare with me. Love is something I try avoiding but guess it’s inevitable.

I see now that I don’t believe in love. Love is a choice. We don’t just fall in love. We decide we want to love, who we want to love, and when we want to do it. Our first actions on love are usually guided by the physical appearance.

In my case, I’ve realized I attract all kinds of weirdos. I say that because all those that have told me that they are interested have never been my type. If I entertain it’s because I compromise so I can go deeper and figure out what it is that I like about the person. Actually that is what you’re expected to do while entering a relationship by basically taking a cheap shot and hoping for the best.

My types of guys are usually too busy being chased by other fine girls and I’m not that type of girl. I’d rather watch from the sideline, admire, and desire to be chased. Normally that doesn’t happen. Good guys are usually taken and I respect that. In the long run, I never get what I want.

In result, I’ve been contempt with the idea of being single; that I don’t even bother or care for those that make moves. I’m not really in the mood of settling… assuming that everyone I want is taken and the trend recurs. What’s to say I could give the time of day to those who holla? Besides, I’m never interested.

I had an interesting discussion with one of my close friends where she told how she was inspired by some romance story she had read about in some magazine. She shared the story with me and yes it was indeed beautiful like she had said. She pointed out that she hadn’t given up on love and that I shouldn’t too. I guess I reek of everything against love.

Though what is love? Don’t get me wrong, am a sucker for love. I mean sucker for love as a third persona. I could read all the romance novels and movies in the world. Who wouldn't love a good love story and want to get lost in their love spell. In the end of it all the same remains; we are all born differently. We all have our own stories. Just because someone else found love, doesn’t mean I will. As of yet, my love story hasn't been written. 

Meanwhile I've realized we don’t get married because we love each other. We marry for convenience, companionship. The most important thing in marriage is commitment, not love. That’s what makes us last longer. Maybe one day I will choose to notice that loser that loves me. Maybe then I’ll chose to learn to love them, settle down with them, get married... because in that case it’s better to be loved than to love.