Cry for my uncertainties... Cry because I miss my past life... Cry because I'm not content about my future... Cry because I want better... Cry because I'm hurting... Cry because I'm happy or cause am sad... Yeah, Sometimes I just want to cry for no reason and not be asked or have to feel the need to explain myself.
I keep looking back at my pictures, looking back at all the opportunities I had around me and end up disappointed at myself for the little I made of them.
I can't fathom some of the choices I made at some points in my life, and why they led me to where I am now in my life. Are they relevant?
I try make points, draw dots of the different challenges of my life and hope that maybe one day they'll make sense. Maybe when I am where I'm meant to be, I'll truly believe it. I hope that that day I'll be able to sit back and look at the dots and draw the line that connects the dots.
Why go through so much hurt, go through so many irrelevant paths if they all don't add up? Is it necessary? Especially when you're at a point where you don't understand any of it.
Are we all taught life lessons and we refuse to learn from them? If we are, why isn't it ever obvious? Why can't we just have the answers so we don't stress? So that we can avoid all the extra heart ache that we don't need.
Right now I'm looking at all my possibilities. No they still don't make sense. Hopefully one day they will. I pray it will all come to me, and that it will all make sense. Until then, I cry and hope one day, all this tears will have meant something.
If I ever cry then, when I finally realize it all. I hope it will only be tears of joy, because I'll be happy. Because I'll have conquered. Because it was all worth it. I cry.
Thought I'd share these wise words I read that gave me so much motivation...
What is the first thing you think of when you
wake up, your problems or your goals?
Decide that you are going to start each day
thinking about your goals, your dreams and your
positive possibilities. As soon as you wake up in
the morning, start throwing out those nagging
doubts and worries.
Concentrate, instead, on
the things you have decided to accomplish in
your life. Whatever you think about long enough
and intently enough
will become a reality for you. That is because
your thoughts direct your actions from moment
to moment, from day to day.
If you spend a lot of time thinking about your
problems, they may grow bigger and stronger.
Is that what you want? Of course not.
Instead
focus on your goals. Keep them in the forefront
of your mind from the moment you wake up,
throughout the morning, the afternoon,
the evening, until you go to bed at night.
Your thoughts are yours. They are completely under
your control. So you might as well use them to
benefit you. Because, what you think about,
you bring about.
I'm not into politics, but I reason with the basic facts. Someone
please explain to me how electing two ICC suspects will better the economy. How
if our country goes into sanction, it will be better for our development. I
fail to understand how suspects are running for presidency. Don't they have
criminal background checks or something? Leave alone being on the lead. It's
clear to me that this is more of an ethnic issue. Let’s just hope no matter the
outcome, there will be peace. Cause that will push us 10 steps back worse off
considering that this is a Third world country already. It's a shame.
I’ve travelled and am glad that I have. I like how countries
like in America you can go to the next state and enjoy a beautiful town, have
vacations or just move from town to town without worrying about where you’re
from, the lack of development and such. I wish it was the same in Kenya. Our
neighbouring towns are all undeveloped. How is it that we still have people
living in huts? Have people that know such things as toilets still. Yet we get
offended when people mention that we live on trees. No we do not live on trees,
but the truth of the matter, when we look at the developed areas on the Kenyan
map, it’s just but a speck of dust. The rest of the nation is suffering.
Another thing is we live in such an ethnic based country
where everyone feels the need to ask you where you’re from so that they brand
you a sticker. You are already judged by your peers what type of person you are
or what you can contribute from the society. I wish we could all just really truly be
united based on our actions and not words. Even as much as people like to
pretend that we are united, the elections is always a reminder that we are all
so divided based on our ethnic groups and it saddens my heart.
I want to be able to go to Malindi, Wajir, Nyeri, Narok,
Kisumu, Kakamega… anywhere you can name and find them all a beautiful developed
city that I can experience. Like as
though I was in Atlanta, Florida, New York all in the same country without
having to travel far to go somewhere nice and developed. Until that happens, we are all slacking as
Kenyans because I see so much potential, and the leaders have slacked in that
matter. Help this be a better nation. Forget ethnicity and start working
together to grow out the city into other counties so that the whole country is
developed.
Why fill our pockets, eat comfortably, shelter ourselves while
people in the next county are starving, looking for shelter and suffering? Yet
we still do nothing about it.
I've been coming across a lot of domestic abuse cases and its been bugging me a lot. I just don't see what would ever lead a man to hit a woman up to the point where she has to be hospitalized. Is it hatred? Or what is it? You tell me. Funny they be the same people that come pleading back for forgiveness. In my case I don't think anyone who has been abused should return to the person whom abused them cause trust and believe, it may happen again. Once beaten, twice shy!
Let me share this story I heard of some lady on Classic FM on my ride to school some days back. I'll call the characters 'Anne' and 'Jim" (Not their real names)
Ok so Anne and Jim were dating. They really loved each other. Then Anne got pregnant and she told Jim about her pregnancy. Jim immediately told her to have an abortion and Anne was not for it; so she told him if he doesn't want to keep the baby, then she will take care of the baby herself. Lucky for Anne she had a good support system and she was able to take care of the baby on her own. When Jim heard that she was able he hesitated a bit and decided he would reconsider his options. He then said he was ok with the idea of a child and said he would help her out with the baby. Then came 6 months.. Jim ends up beating up Anne and leaves her on the floor bleeding helpless. Anne was able to get to her sister's place who lived nearby and was rushed to hospital. Turns out that Anne was having twins and both babies died inside her and because of that she had to be operated on. After the operation she was told she could never have children. It was such a sad story.
I was really disgusted by it. I don't get how any guy could do that in the first place. In her case he never showed any signs of violence or physical abuse in that manner. I just don't get what drives people to do anything of the sort, whether its unavoidable, or if we are able to detect such people and keep off.
Then today I read this comment someone mentioned on abuse, thought I'd share it as well...
" I have really given a lot of thought to the issue of domestic abuse and the views America has on it. I have seen contradictory views by the masses from The Chris and Rihanna situation, to K Michelle and Memphitz to the hood rat on the bus with the bus driver. Many ppl say in Rihanna's case that a man should NEVER hit a woman under any circumstances, fast track to K Michelle where she probably "forced" him to, all the way to the bus driver where she deserved to be uppercut. I have come to the realization that there are two forms of physical abuse between males and females and I feel that America has not differentiated that fact. Some women face real domestic abuse many times mostly mental, but these women are belittled, abused and sometimes destroyed of any real self image. These are the true victims in my opinion. & then there are women who argue with their men and push them to their breaking point causing the men to lash out sometimes bringing out something in them that even they didn't know existed. These women, though not completely victims are given the same sympathy as the truly abused women. I'm not saying the second case men are blameless but these men are human, and it takes a strong person male or female to endure verbal or physical attacks and not act on it. Please don't try to tell me that any man who hits a woman is an evil monster because just as is the bus driver or K Michelle's case you sometimes agree that it is brought on by something more than an emotional disturbed man. I don't know which case Rihanna and Chris fall under but I feel that he may have truly made a mistake at 19 yrs old. My main point is that we should be able to differentiate the two and judge accordingly." ~ Divah
I'm not sure about the Rihanna and the Chris Brown situation. That beating was not normal, I wouldn't call that mental stability. Something's obviously bugging that child. Although Rihanna has chose to go back to him, so am sure she's well aware of the consequences and she loves him enough to take the risk of being with him, then so be it.
I don't like that I have a lot to write and the
fact that I haven't written it. I don't like that I have four unfinished
paintings all left half way that I haven't done that sits on my desk and
collects dust. I don't like that I go to school for the sake of it, just
because I have to, and also because I have to finish my assignments on time.
The last thing I need is for me to fall behind in my school work. So now am
just doing my work for the sake of finishing it, not because I want to. I don't like the little time I'm given to work on them and the limitations I have on them because I know I could do so
much better... lately, its become I just don't care! I don't like that I feel like my time is
limited, that I'm always rushing to get something done, that even when I have
time I just don't know how to spend that time. Some how It always feels like there's so
much to do that I just don't do it at all!
I don’t like that I'm getting closer
to my 30s and I don’t have any potentials at the moment. I say I don’t care
about marriage but secretly I do. I hate that I wonder if it will ever happen
at this rate, if there is real love out there as it is spoken to be, and if it's really for everybody. I don’t like that I haven’t established myself in the
society in terms of what I want to do, that I don’t stay in my own house, drive my own
car, spend my own cash limitlessly without any worries, and that I'm not travelling overseas as I
pictured I would be doing now.
I don’t like that I feel like I have
to keep rushing with my magazine to publish it by the beginning of every month,
that nowadays it has become stressful. I don’t like that I don’t see as if my
viewers for the magazine are increasing. I honestly believe in numbers, and
right now the numbers aren't showing like I want them too, which tells me I'm doing everything wrong. I don’t like that I feel like I shouldn't bother with
things that don’t give me profit, that I'm not sure of my value,
my worth in my art and whether it’s as good as it should be. I just don’t like
that I always find myself saying that am good, but just not good enough, that I'm my own worst critic.
I don’t like that sometimes I find
myself fighting back tears, that sometimes I feel angry with myself for no
reason. I hate that I feel like I should cry, but I don't because its always in a public place or when its uncalled for, so I just act like everything is ok. If I'm ask if I'm ok of course my answer is always going to be yes! Mostly because I don't want anyone to be worried or concerned about my concerns so don’t be worried… I'll be ok, I always I'm. Just the
fact that I don’t have anywhere to vent about my don'ts. Mainly because if I talk
to someone I feel like I've heard the same talks:
"Don’t worry, you’ll be ok. Think
positive. You can do it. Don’t give up! With time everything falls in place.
Keep praying. I'm here for you, just talk to me, I’ll listen. Keep striving,
nothing comes easy. Appreciate what you have...blablabla!"
I feel like I already know what
you’ll tell me to try and give me encouragement. Same old same old, it gets
tired. It’s not like I don’t know it, trust me I tell myself these things over
and over again. My pretty little own words of advice that I hear, watch read about. Believe me I could write a motivational book
myself if I had to… and all in all, I don’t like that I still feel like this.
Most of all, I don’t like that I
write my negativity on my blog, makes me look like such a sad and pessimist. Maybe in a way I am more than I let on. I like to build a shell, only to protect myself and somehow believe that I'll rid off all the negatives for real. Good thing with writing it, is that I feel better. Not all the way, but I'm transferring it. The transfer of energy concept is still strong in my mind. I need to put it in
use! Besides, I still don’t think people read my blogs, well not all that many people and I'm glad. Especially after times like this when I dare to write such blogs.
You see me, I am happy, sad, you'll never really know. At the end of the day, I'm still
here, still breathing as I type this. One day I will not be here, so I can be
thankful for many other things such as life. I wonder if I’ll have made a difference. If I
were not born, whether the world would have been any different from today? Probably
not, meaning I haven’t made an impact yet. I won’t stop until I do. Even if I'm not running around the world in my underwear making a statement or in the lab figuring out the next new cure. It may not look like it, so many
things I'm curious about, so many unanswered questions. I feel so empty inside, Yet I'm still breathing. I need to find my worth, because I know I am worthy, we all are! Find your worth!
I'm actually writing this in 2012 as I watch the clock count
down to 2013 minute by the minute. I'm not sure this is how I want to spend my
new year’s eve. I'm sure by the time this post goes up it will probably be the
New Year since I don’t have any internet.
I'm alone in my room typing this feeling distance from
everyone and everything. Not sure why. It’s funny I have my family here all
watching a movie together in the other room which I've already watched, but I'm not good at pretending. Something’s bugging me and I don’t know what it is. I
don’t feel like am myself. I feel like am changing into someone else, not
someone I necessarily like, or maybe I'm just growing older and my preferences
are changing. I've always been a people person, but now all I want to do is to
be left alone. I mean I love my friends, my family, everyone! Although every
day the clock is ticking, the days are going and I'm not content, rather
everything feels subtle. I'm not where I want to be and I feel like am running
out of time.
I should be happy with everything I have as of now but
instead I find myself chasing time trying to figure out everything I'm doing
wrong. I know in my heart that everything am doing deserves so much more than
what I have. Maybe I'm just so unrealistic.
Life is short, you only leave once (Seems to be everyone’s
motto everywhere nowadays). Ask yourself if you die today; are you happy with
everything you've done so far? Is it everything you wanted to do, or are you
waiting to start it later on?
I hate my indecisiveness, impatience, my quick mind change;
makes me question everything in the end. I don’t want to lie to myself by
making New Year’s resolutions as to what I'm going to do and change. Life as we
know it is very unpredictable. I still feel greatness in me so I’ll always keep
that strive for it. Right now my vision is blurred but every year gone by, is a
reminder, my empowerment, my will to keep fighting and to keep goal searching.
Its been a while since I actually sat down and blogged about something, and the sad part is I've had so much to say but I haven't really said it because I've been real busy. The importance of today's blog is to show my appreciation. I've realized I complain a lot and its not a good thing, can't say am proud about it either. I have to stop myself a couple of times from some of the things I catch myself saying. That's one of the things I need to work on. Plus I need to start having positivity in everything that I do. Then again, if I'm not complaining or venting on my blog, what's there to say?
Lately I've been caught between my thoughts and my reality; wondering about possibilities and whether some things were meant to be or whether or not I plan my own destiny. Tell me about fate verses destiny, are they the same thing? I'm I able to plan destiny provided I know my fate. Is my fate fixed or is it decisive of the choices I make? I think somehow we all set the path to our fate by the destiny we choose for ourself. Even so what if our fate is already determined for us and there is nothing we can do about it? Don't we all have the right to know our fate? Will it affect our choices? So in the end shouldn't it matter that we know our fate if its already fixed? Will it make us change our destiny if we can make better choices; know what we're already doing wrong to mend the broken pieces? Are we lazy to work towards our goals knowing they are already attainable if told? All these questions... I'm wanting to know my fate and whether everything I'm doing now is all worth everything I'm working towards.Ok, lets forget about fate and destiny. You should give me some of your opinions on that as well.
I've completely gone out of my route from where I began on this journey. If you know me then you know I was strong on my sciences, loved it; somewhere along that path I decided to brunch out into the arts and test out the pastures of this new route I'm now headed. Sometimes not even I can convince myself whether I'm on the right track, whether I've deviated completely and gotten lost, and if I'll ever find my path again.
My 'channel of hope' painting: This is the last painting I've painted so far. I still see the light. That's always something I've said when I'm hopeful or if I'm almost getting where I'm headed. This painting reminds me to be hopeful.
Right now I believe in reason and purpose. That's the light shining bright. When I don't have reason I feel lost. If I can't say why or find the reason of the things I do then I have no purpose. I ask myself, "What's the point?" All in all, its about finding the worth. May God give me purpose.
I appreciate every encouraging voice. Any compliments or comment I get. Every little reminder, question or encouragement of me to continue what I do. Any support I have from my paintings, photography, nail art, or my magazine. I thank everyone who has lifted a hand to write me an article for my mag, model for me on the cover, thanking my editor for my magazine and all those who read my magazine. Thanking all those who've encouraged me to keep painting. My photography work, my admirers of my work. Those who've liked my pages and sent me mentions on twitter and helped 'RT' my work.. anything I can think of cause you all took the time to do that. LOL even my haters if I'm allowed to say. But mostly I'm grateful for all the positive feedback. Thank you God, I'm always grateful to you first! I can't say I've made it in my life or I'm even close to where I want to be, but I am thankful for everything I have now and what I've been given. We all should have that mentality of being thankful.
You all are my voice of hope because you show me that I'm on my right track. You're my reason, therefore you give me purpose.
This is my thank you note to everyone that have given me a reason, I am humbled :-)
A special thank you to all my blog readers, those who've followed and Favorited my blog. You all know yourselves I salute you all. Yes! I appreciate that you tell me these things.
I can never say enough thank yous.
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
Here is a song I would like to leave you all with cause I saw the video today for the first time and I already heard the song and liked it.
