Catching up!

It’s currently raining as I write this post. I know, random! It has been so long since I last wrote. I don’t even know where to begin. Oh how I’ve missed writing. I can’t believe I didn’t post anything, the whole of 2016. So this post should update you all.

I’m not sure if not writing is a good or a bad thing anymore, seeing that when I write it’s usually when I’m down and my emotions decide to take over. Currently I’m not employed and that could be another reason as to why as I’m wondering, “What next?”

My education:

So many times I have complained about being a jerk of all trades and being a master in none. Guess what? I now have a master in Graphic Design and Typography. Can I get applauded for that proud moment please…?

Thank you!

Here is what I learned…

It doesn’t matter how much education you get. Some people will still treat you like shit, discredit your work. Some will envy you, but that’s OK. You’re not better than them, as they only think that you think you’re better than them.

Yes, there’s been a learning curve, in the positive direction. I’ve learned so much!!! Though I always say receiving knowledge doesn’t end. It is always your duty to go out and find out more.

My educative days during my study were filled with research, discovering and documentation. Even today I’m happy to learn something new. Besides, who said I have to be a jerk of all trades? Why not be a master in all?

My creativity:

My thoughts are faster than any of my hands or ability is able to capture and bring it to reality. Sometimes I sit there and picture it all in my head and I’m already done, I’m over it. Nothing is wrong with that, since it saves me time from doing it and ending up not liking it. I have a broader imagination that captures concepts better. Nowadays my work needs purpose. I am able to sieve out work that’s unnecessary. I now understand that creation without purpose is just art and not design. No wonder my work before had less value.

I am aware that a lot of people will use you for your skills/talents. I say this for any creatives out there. Some won’t even give you credit for your work, let alone pay you. Some don’t even notice that they do this which is an insult. They take on your work and move on like nothing happened. A lot of people will discredit or disregard the time and effort you put into your work. They will not realize that you created something out of nothing, and that without you, it wouldn’t exist. It is OK. Such people do not know the power of gratitude. Gratitude goes a long way, for it could either make or break a person. Don’t let such people bother you for their actions do not define your talent.

Discovering myself:

I can’t say that I have discovered myself fully in terms of success and achievements, but I know myself. I know what I can do, and what I can’t do, what I love and what I don’t love. Through the past year I traveled alone to the UK and I’m now back home. In UK, I stayed on my own, I knew no one where I was and did a lot of things on my own. In the process, I learned to love myself. I now enjoy my own company. Something I thought I would never do was sitting alone in a restaurant and having a meal by myself.  I got to do that a couple of times, got quite comfortable if I may add. I took a lot of walks in the park on my own and I discovered a lot of new places as well. All I can say is Cambridge is such a beautiful town and I am glad I got to take this self-discovery journey while I was there.

My love life:

I always hated on love; though I still do sometimes, not as much. Believe it or not, I am currently dating, and I have been for over a year and a half.  I look back at all the things I said about love when I wasn’t in love, and I shake my head. When it comes to love, we all have different experiences and different opinions. I know that now. Not all love is the same. You can give advice about relationships but what works you does not necessarily work for another.  Being in a relationship has taught me privacy. Before I liked to tell all because I didn’t care, now I do. You learn that it’s not just you in that relationship. It’s two of you, and that alone is different.

I know I’m late but happy 2017!

The scopes of my sadness

As you must have noted by now, my sadness inspires me to write. I like tapping into my deepest emotions and presenting them as a creative peace. I am not the biggest fan of poetry. Though I love all forms of art, so I write to release and let loose so check this out and let me know what you think. 

Poem by Sylvia Oloo…

Sometimes I feel hollow.

From the depths within my sorrow,

I hear voices within me barking.

As if I am terribly lacking.

I am wishing they could sharpen.

I knew this would happen.

I ponder in my conscience.

In a world occupied with my silence.

I’m afraid of nothing.

As if everything amounts to something.

Not even an explanation would cure the blindness.

Or is it just my madness?

If only I could proceed.

Then maybe I could succeed.

I am anxiously waiting.

Praying and anticipating.

But my visions are blurred.

And this makes me scarred.

However, there is a ripple of defeat.

That cripples me diseased.

I am sick of the ideas.

That never reaches the public ears.

So let this be the thought.

That you would have sought.

HAPPY 2015

We forget that life is fragile. That all it takes for it to end is the stop of a beat. That we are one day here and the next we are gone, so what then are we doing with our life? Do we care to make a difference in the world? Do we care to make our presence known? Or are we just simply passing by? What are we really doing with our lives?

I’ve asked myself this a couple of times. I question my purpose repeatedly, hoping that it is effective to someone. In the thoughts that if I were to die today I would have touched a life, made a difference that I will be memorable and I will have lived a life worth a mention.

It’s already a new year, 2015. Boy do they go so fast. I’m up early on a Sunday about to go to church. I can’t sleep again because I am wondering about my life. Mostly disappointed thinking about the things I haven’t accomplished. Sad thinking about how I will be going back to work tomorrow. I think about how my holiday is over, even though it was a long break, I ask myself did I do anything meaningful.

 If there's anything I've got to change it’s my attitude towards work and my work environment. Is there anything I’m doing wrong, can I change the things I don’t like? Can I grow to love something I hate about it? I’m I happy? If not, what would make me happy?

 I'm really hoping for a better year. I don't want to jump in and give you a list of my new year’s resolution as everyone would expect me to. I only have one thing I want for the year 2015, that is to be able to find love. I want to love and be loved. I think it's a beautiful feeling and we all need it at some point. We all need love.

Happy New Year my blog readers!!!

Five important lessons learned

Turning 30

I have spent most of my years trying to keep my age a secret, trying to hide from the world my reality that my years are going by way faster than I can fathom. In the lost years that have passed without mention, I have realized that just because you hide it from someone doesn't make it any less true than it is. The fact remains that I am turning 30 and that's my reality and I can’t buy back the years that have gone. Now I shall celebrate every year as it is.

Quiting

I have never been one to quite, but I am so tired of doing things over and over again without results. I have spent most of my time working on the same thing hoping that one day I will get different results. I continue to complain about it then still do it anyway, only because I am afraid to quite. I think it's time I learned how to call a spade a spade. It will help me save a lot of time and money. If something isn't working out, it’s just not working out. This will help me stop whatever it is I am doing wrong and try something else. Besides, it is ok to have tried and failed at it than not to have tried at all. Therefore, coming the next year I will quite on everything that has not worked for me and welcome new ideas.

About love

Love is not a fairy tale. I know now that I won't magically wake up one day and find prince charming on my door. I have stopped waiting and longing because it doesn't work like that. Even if I enjoy a romance movie from time to time, I need to remember that it is not my reality. My reality is that love is overrated and it is what it is. It is a choice we make, with whomever we chose to fall for. It may happen, it may not. Therefore, there is no need to dwell on something that isn’t real. At the moment love for me is not my reality. So until the day it is, I will accept my reality and take it as it is.

Being content with what I have.

I am nowhere next to where I thought I would be at 30. Yes it sucks! But it doesn't mean that I will never be where I thought I would be. It's not the end of the race. As of now, all I can do is be happy with what I've done so far and continue striving towards achieving my goal. Many people will talk you out of achieving your goal; others will cheer you on just so you don’t quite. However, don’t be stuck on listening to other people’s voices and forget your own. Your opinion is what matters the most. Always listen to the voice that comes from within. You know what’s best for yourself.  

Not knowing

Yes, I still don't know what I want in life. I'm not lucky enough to have figured this out years ago. Neither does it help that I change my mind a lot or get bored easily. This doesn’t mean that I don’t do anything until I’ve figured it out. I will try new things; try everything I think I can do! Life is too shot to be wasted on doing nothing. So live for now and not tomorrow, because tomorrow is not promised. Enjoy the present and make of it what you can and take each day as a learning experience. Dwelling in the uncertainty will only make me worry for no reason. The same reasons formulated in my mind that may have nothing to do with my current reality. So live in the now! It is my reality.

Work Flow

I've been going out of my mind this month just thinking how the hell I'm going to balance everything I do, now that I got a job! It's funny how I was so committed on having my own thing going that I did not even picture my situation at the moment. It has been a real struggle starting my own business and making it work. I can’t say it went as planned. I still suffer from the battle of marketing myself by always selling myself short. This has always been my shortcoming. In fact that was the reason I decided to let go and get a job.

After getting a job, I realize how crazy it is being so dependent on that job. Even though you tell yourself you are in it for the experience and you will enjoy every moment, it never really is that simple. There comes the stress and worry with it, which include having to answer to someone, trying to beat deadlines and all that kind of stuff I will not go into… so much for taking it easy, right?

In my life I always wanted to work on accomplishing my dreams but since I’ve almost hit rock bottom, I figured I’d work on someone’s else’s dream. It feels like everyone’s whispering to me that I’m doing a lot of nothing and wasting my time, if those aren’t whispers, it must be people’s thoughts penetrating through. Maybe this new stepping stone will be a good life journey and I will learn from it.

I realize that even though we strive on surviving on passion, that’s not enough if it doesn’t bring food to the table. That it is important to earn, because we need money to survive. I instead get caught up in the idea of working for the money, because it becomes a must, we forget the passion involved in getting it and it becomes a drive. A drive for the need to get to eat, sleep and buy clothing, all the essentials we need to survive. The 9-5 pattern Beyonce sings about of our so called daily life. How could anyone get used to this routine? Better that 9-5 because I’m really working 8-30 to 5-30 which are even more hours.

Amongst it all, you find that your mind can be your biggest enemy. Because when negativity consumes you, you start to think that bills have to be paid and how easily you could lose your job at any time. That your life could change abruptly. The change could be for better or worse, God forbid it’s the latter. The possibility of losing your job brings so much uncertainty. Uncertainty brings in so much fear. We leave in the discomfort of the unknown and that at any moment your life could change. 

Battling Emotions

check out: Spinkly Photography

This hasn't been my best of months. It's like even though there is a lot of happiness at a point in our lives, it comes along with sadness. Nature finds a way to restore the balance. In the end we still choose what makes us who we are. We can choose to focus on the sadness that destroys us or choose to pick up on the things that bring us joy, gives us strength and keep us going.

I’ve said many times I represent most things in the form of art. It helps me express myself best, considering that I love creativity. I express my happiness through my photography, by capturing all the good moments. My pictures allow me to have memories to look back to, remember, and enjoy again. I let out the sadness in the form of writing. My writings express the sadness I feel at the time. It helps organize my thoughts. If not words; a painting will do, only because sometimes sadness is hard to express. In extreme sadness, only our imagination can help explain what we can’t say. I mean, who wants to talk about bad things, leave alone having to write them down. It lets out way too much emotion. Therefore, seeing it will make you understand, so I paint. Lucky for me, I haven’t painted in a while. I guess that could mean I’m getting better at writing down my thoughts and expressing myself. Plus I don’t care too much about what other people think.

This month so many people have taken advantage of me. They have exploited my kindness, my hopes and dreams. It has hurt me a lot. I’ve been weakened so many times, over and over again. I even cried myself to sleep a couple of times. Woke up only to cry again and have to front a smile for the rest of the day. At the same time, a lot of people have been there to pick up the pieces and help me get back on my feet. Such are my secret angels that God sent with messages to keep me strong and going.

The biggest lesson I’ve learned this month, is that how we choose to control our emotions is what makes us who we are. If we are not able to control our emotions, we become powerless, we become someone else and that's why people change. You can either chose to be bitter with the world, or chose to fight against it and stay true to yourself.

I AM FADING

I feel it all around me. You don't have to tell me. Everything is slowly disappearing One by one,  everything is becoming irrelevant. I'm not even bothered. silence is all I long for. To be left alone. In the accompaniment of my thoughts. At least my thoughts are honest. They show me what I want. I can imagine the world I wanted for myself. Everything that I've always longed for and failed to get. At least in my mind... I can picture it. Somewhat it can be real, get lost in my fantasy, pretend, anything is better than my reality.

If only I could escape forever. If only I could demand my reality and make everything ok. Instead I know my fate and I hate it. It hurts.  I'm in pain all the time and  it sucks. I don't know how long am going to hold it, pretending everything is ok while I am slowly dying inside. Everything inside me is being eaten away. I can't do anything about it. Soon I won't be able to hide it.

Maybe if I keep the silence. It will be less painful. Maybe it will go away on its own. Maybe one day I'll wake up and it will all have been a bad dream. Maybe I can hope on miracles. Yes maybe my faith will heal me and it will all just go away. Never to be known.

Unfortunately, that's not the case. Every day I wake up. Happy am still here. I got another shot at life. I am thankful. Then I feel it, it's still there. It's not gone anywhere, the pain is real. I remember my fate. I wonder, try to justify everything, calculate how much time I have left... but in the end, my fate remains the same. I am fading.