Monday, December 1, 2014

Five important lessons learned

Turning 30

I have spent most of my years trying to keep my age a secret, trying to hide from the world my reality that my years are going by way faster than I can fathom. In the lost years that have passed without mention, I have realized that just because you hide it from someone doesn't make it any less true than it is. The fact remains that I am turning 30 and that's my reality and I cant buy back the years that have gone. Now I shall celebrate every year as it is.


I have never been one to quite, but I am so tired of doing things over and over again without results. I have spent most of my time working on the same thing hoping that one day I will get different results. I continue to complain about it then still do it anyway, only because I am afraid to quite. I think it's time I learned how to call a spade a spade. It will help me save a lot of time and money. If something isn't working out, its just not working out. This will help me stop whatever it is I am doing wrong and try something else. Besides, it is ok to have tried and failed at it than not to have tried at all. Therefore, coming the next year I will quite on everything that has not worked for me and welcome new ideas.

About love

Love is not a fairy tale. I know now that I won't magically wake up one day and find prince charming on my door. I have stopped waiting and longing because it doesn't work like that. Even if I enjoy a romance movie from time to time, I need to remember that it is not my reality. My reality is that love is overrated and it is what it is. It is a choice we make, with whomever we chose to fall for. It may happen, it may not. Therefore, there is no need to dwell on something that isnt real. At the moment love for me is not my reality. So until the day it is, I will accept my reality and take it as it is.

Being content with what I have.

I am nowhere next to where I thought I would be at 30. Yes it sucks! But it doesn't mean that I will never be where I thought I would be. It's not the end of the race. As of now, all I can do is be happy with what I've done so far and continue striving towards achieving my goal. Many people will talk you out of achieving your goal; others will cheer you on just so you dont quite. However, dont be stuck on listening to other peoples voices and forget your own. Your opinion is what matters the most. Always listen to the voice that comes from within. You know whats best for yourself.  

Not knowing

Yes, I still don't know what I want in life. I'm not lucky enough to have figured this out years ago. Neither does it help that I change my mind a lot or get bored easily. This doesnt mean that I dont do anything until Ive figured it out. I will try new things; try everything I think I can do! Life is too shot to be wasted on doing nothing. So live for now and not tomorrow, because tomorrow is not promised. Enjoy the present and make of it what you can and take each day as a learning experience. Dwelling in the uncertainty will only make me worry for no reason. The same reasons formulated in my mind that may have nothing to do with my current reality. So live in the now! It is my reality.

Sunday, September 28, 2014

Work Flow

I've been going out of my mind this month just thinking how the hell I'm going to balance everything I do, now that I got a job! It's funny how I was so committed on having my own thing going that I did not even picture my situation at the moment. It has been a real struggle starting my own business and making it work. I cant say it went as planned. I still suffer from the battle of marketing myself by always selling myself short. This has always been my shortcoming. In fact that was the reason I decided to let go and get a job.

After getting a job, I realize how crazy it is being so dependent on that job. Even though you tell yourself you are in it for the experience and you will enjoy every moment, it never really is that simple. There comes the stress and worry with it, which include having to answer to someone, trying to beat deadlines and all that kind of stuff I will not go into so much for taking it easy, right?

In my life I always wanted to work on accomplishing my dreams but since Ive almost hit rock bottom, I figured Id work on someones elses dream. It feels like everyones whispering to me that Im doing a lot of nothing and wasting my time, if those arent whispers, it must be peoples thoughts penetrating through. Maybe this new stepping stone will be a good life journey and I will learn from it.

I realize that even though we strive on surviving on passion, thats not enough if it doesnt bring food to the table. That it is important to earn, because we need money to survive. I instead get caught up in the idea of working for the money, because it becomes a must, we forget the passion involved in getting it and it becomes a drive. A drive for the need to get to eat, sleep and buy clothing, all the essentials we need to survive. The 9-5 pattern Beyonce sings about of our so called daily life. How could anyone get used to this routine? Better that 9-5 because Im really working 8-30 to 5-30 which are even more hours.

Amongst it all, you find that your mind can be your biggest enemy. Because when negativity consumes you, you start to think that bills have to be paid and how easily you could lose your job at any time. That your life could change abruptly. The change could be for better or worse, God forbid its the latter. The possibility of losing your job brings so much uncertainty. Uncertainty brings in so much fear. We leave in the discomfort of the unknown and that at any moment your life could change. 

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Battling Emotions

This hasn't been my best of months. It's like even though there is a lot of happiness at a point in our lives, it comes along with sadness. Nature finds a way to restore the balance. In the end we still choose what makes us who we are. We can choose to focus on the sadness that destroys us or choose to pick up on the things that bring us joy, gives us strength and keep us going.

I’ve said many times I represent most things in the form of art. It helps me express myself best, considering that I love creativity. I express my happiness through my photography, by capturing all the good moments. My pictures allow me to have memories to look back to, remember, and enjoy again. I let out the sadness in the form of writing. My writings express the sadness I feel at the time. It helps organize my thoughts. If not words; a painting will do, only because sometimes sadness is hard to express. In extreme sadness, only our imagination can help explain what we can’t say. I mean, who wants to talk about bad things, leave alone having to write them down. It lets out way too much emotion. Therefore, seeing it will make you understand, so I paint. Lucky for me, I haven’t painted in a while. I guess that could mean I’m getting better at writing down my thoughts and expressing myself. Plus I don’t care too much about what other people think.

This month so many people have taken advantage of me. They have exploited my kindness, my hopes and dreams. It has hurt me a lot. I’ve been weakened so many times, over and over again. I even cried myself to sleep a couple of times. Woke up only to cry again and have to front a smile for the rest of the day. At the same time, a lot of people have been there to pick up the pieces and help me get back on my feet. Such are my secret angels that God sent with messages to keep me strong and going.

The biggest lesson I’ve learned this month, is that how we choose to control our emotions is what makes us who we are. If we are not able to control our emotions, we become powerless, we become someone else and that's why people change. You can either chose to be bitter with the world, or chose to fight against it and stay true to yourself.

Tuesday, July 15, 2014


I feel it all around me. You don't have to tell me. Everything is slowly disappearing One by one,  everything is becoming irrelevant. I'm not even bothered. silence is all I long for. To be left alone. In the accompaniment of my thoughts. At least my thoughts are honest. They show me what I want. I can imagine the world I wanted for myself. Everything that I've always longed for and failed to get. At least in my mind... I can picture it. Somewhat it can be real, get lost in my fantasy, pretend, anything is better than my reality.

If only I could escape forever. If only I could demand my reality and make everything ok. Instead I know my fate and I hate it. It hurts.  I'm in pain all the time and  it sucks. I don't know how long am going to hold it, pretending everything is ok while I am slowly dying inside. Everything inside me is being eaten away. I can't do anything about it. Soon I won't be able to hide it.

Maybe if I keep the silence. It will be less painful. Maybe it will go away on its own. Maybe one day I'll wake up and it will all have been a bad dream. Maybe I can hope on miracles. Yes maybe my faith will heal me and it will all just go away. Never to be known.

Unfortunately, that's not the case. Every day I wake up. Happy am still here. I got another shot at life. I am thankful. Then I feel it, it's still there. It's not gone anywhere, the pain is real. I remember my fate. I wonder, try to justify everything, calculate how much time I have left... but in the end, my fate remains the same. I am fading. 

Wednesday, July 2, 2014


Doesn’t matter what I do or say because everything is pointless
Nothing has meaning anymore
I’m so tired!
 Tired of trying, tired of hoping, tired of all the wishful thinking, tired of lying to myself that I can when I know I can’t.  
I wish the grass was greener on the other side, but it isn’t! It never has been, never will be, it’s all in my head cause even on the other side, it’s all the same. It’s always been the same, there’s no difference. Nothing to fight for, nothing to achieve!
What’s a goal without a score or what’s a score without a goal? Nothing! They both are nothing when they stand alone.
I stand alone, am so alone. I look around me and I realize that yes I am alone. I’ve always been alone. Doesn’t matter where or with whom, I’m always alone and I see that now.
Nobody cares, nobody sees, nobody listens, nobody understands.
The thrill, the eagerness is all varnished, disappeared. I’ve gone silent in worry. I’m so despaired, so disappointed!
No one to talk to, no one to make clear of the things I can’t explain myself. No way to make another understand if I myself cannot even understand.
So much bugging, so little to say… I’m quiet, in my mind, lost in worry, my insanity, it drives me crazy.
Who needs explanation anyway? Besides, is it yours or mine to figure out? Who cares?
Not a damn body!
Not a mind or soul!
Not even my dreams. They aren’t valid.

My dreams, everything is all so vague. Maybe it isn’t vague, maybe I just know the answer to the question but I don’t like it. I don’t want to hear it, so I avoid, I run and I escape, every time! Only to end up in the same place… Nowhere! 

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Always the bigger picture

Let me plant out this scenario for those who fail to see the bigger picture...

There are four communities, A, B, C and D.
A leader from community A has been appointed to take care of all A, B, C and D.
There is enmity towards A and C community because C did not win at being in charge of A, B, C and D.

A problem occurs, and most of community A are hurt.
Community A decides to blame community C without evidence... however all four communities were harmed in the attack.

In the end, there is no further action taken to prevent further attacks from occurring against each other to protect all communities A, B, C and D.

However, having told all other communities that the likelihood that community C is to blame for the attack seems to be enough for community A though they are possibly innocent. They are celebrating and cheering on knowing that they have enmity community C... so power to community A.

Now everyone thinks of community C as the possible attackers, which manages  to bring further enmity towards them.

In the end the possibility that the attack will happen again still remains, because there is a chance that either A, B, C and D did it. Since there is no evidence that C did it.

In the likelihood that community C did it and is arrested for the attack having being guilty. The fact that the attack happened in the first place and could happen again in the future should be addressed.

Meaning that, putting in C does not solve the problem. No further measures have been taken to ensure the safety for communities A, B and D in the likelihood that they could disagree. All that happened was community C was locked up.

In the assumption that C is innocent because A accused them, all other communities already judge C and enmity then builds up towards them even though community C is accused. On top of that, still all communities are not protected from further attacks.

In the end, everyone is left unprotected: no suggestions or solving of the problem at hand, nor prevention of communities from attacking each other further, no hand shakes made to resolve the community problems in terms of tension, no security has been appointed in any of the communities at large... and all communities continue to live with enmity towards each other then there's a divide.

In shot, the moral of the story is solve the problems at large because there's always a deeper/root problem. Fixing the surface problem doesn't solve anything.

Friday, May 30, 2014

In my head

You want to know what goes on in my head? I'm going crazy!!! I feel like am soon going to crush at some point. There's so much I want to do but I just can't do it anymore. There's little time to do them all. The sound of a ticking clock drives me insane. I don't want to be reminded I'm running out of time .I feel like am running a race. A  blind race without an obvious finish line. I need a planner, but even with a planner, its heavily filled.

Wish I could tear myself into pieces and just work on everything as seperate people. I love too many things, but I'm not specializing in any of them, who would? I'm all over the place!!!

Let me get this straight.. I love animation, I feel like I can't live without not doing animation. But it kills me that I don't get free time to advance. Plus it takes so much time. I like doing the intros, and modeling stuff like rooms and what not. But I'm always busy with other things.

Here's a room I've been working on 3D max for the longest time.... If it was my wish I'd be a master in this program and I'd make the best animation movies!!! 

I love nailart, I wish I could have a blog and just talk about my nails like that of My Simple Little Pleasures then make videos etc. But I never get time for that. So then I just end up taking a picture of the finished work and posting it on this page: 
Even though I know how to edit videos and everything. I just dont get the time. Cause am working on something else.

Then there's photography. I finally got a studio with the lighting equipment and everything and am so excited. But I haven't got it running, they are so many things I still need to set up like my website which am working on. Check it out here:SPINKLY PHOTOGRAPHY on so many great ideas I have for it. And yes am creating it on my own. Still havent finished it yet. Cause am doing too many things at the same time and I'm all over the place. 

I also like to do logos when they let me and am happy to be paid for that :-) Here's samples of logo's I've done for 2 people. There's some I do for fun, just so I get to know how to operate photoshop and cool softwares like that. If I had more time on my hand I'd teach myself illustrator and in design. But now am still advancing on the photoshop, after effects, premier, and gimp. 


Oh how I love to write, I write articles, I try to keep up with my blogs. I wish I could write a book sometime. I've been saying am writing one for the longest. I already know what I'm writing on, even have the concept...  but for now I'm happy when I just get to breath. As we speak am busy with a script am writing for a movie. Yes I've writen one before, so this is my second one. Excited! I plan on shooting the film am writing the script for, cause i think it will be fun to do. I've always wanted to create a film. 

I am also currently working on an advertising project. It's the first official one. Well sort of.. here's a fun advert project I for school. Blame blogger for not loading it properly. But its a video of a video. The teacher doesn't let me keep my projects, even if its my work. So I don't have all the awesome work I did in school to add on my portfolio. Here's a glimpse of it:
Then there's the magazine: This one drives me crazy just trying to keep up with it every month. I have to make sure that its continuos and that its running. I atleast get 10,000+ viewers on the site. The readers and writers are awesome! Cover girls come over for shoots and I have to edit the cover. When am short of articles its up to me to write them so that there's enough for show. check out the magazine on this link: Spinkly Magazine

Currently putting together next month's issue, cause the month is almost over. So am especially busy with that. I pre-edit all the articles before I send them to my editor and go through them again and post them up on the site.

I love painting, but I havent painted in years now. Mostly because I havent got the time. This is still my favourite painting:

I havent sold any painting in a while. So I don't care too much about the painting part of me. Well as long as am looking at the stash of paintings in my room, am good because they are telling me, we are still here, and we aint going anywhere. So no need to multiply us. 

I also work on promo videos, here's a promo video I did to help a friend promote his new book:
Here's the link to the video.. 

I love music, so when I get the time, am producing beats and jingles for my creative small clips that I come up with. Or looking up tutorials on how to better myself on fruity loops. Just a simple work like this takes a lot of time to do.. you wouldn't believe it. It's created on 3D max, Fruity loops and Adobe premier...

There's these and a whole lot of other stuff I work on, plus lets not forget going through tutorials to get better at what I do. 

And the funny thing is if you ask me what am doing, I'll still say am doing nothing. Cause all of it, is nothing to some people. Cause for now I still have nothing to show for all the things am trying to do. 

I promised I'd atleast post up two articles every month this year. So that my blog isn't deserted. So this is me....always busy! All over the place! Crazy with ideas and inlove with everything. 

In shot am an exploding time bomb. 

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

Age does not define you:

As the years go by and as the older I get almost nearing my 30s, the more excuses come along. I don’t want to have to regret about not having done something because I let my age get in the way.  Let ‘So what!?’ be the motto in terms of age. If you want to do something, do something. If someone wants to say something, let them say something! But don’t let them stop you from doing what you want to do because they think otherwise. Someone’s opinion of you does not have to become your reality.

People ask me how I look so young at my age, here’s why:

 I’m never too old for success:

If you wake up every day hating what you do and you do it anyway then why do you still do it? Don’t you realize that you are the one who makes the difference? Change is an initiative and you don’t want to spend the rest of your life regretting it. It’s up to you to change what you can. Do it as many times you feel you need to because your happiness matters. Procrastination is a disease and you never know how long you have. If you have dreams planned for the future how about you try working on them now? Trust me… you’ll be happy you did. Besides if any worst scenario: better to fail at it now, than wait until later to fail then and wonder what next? Failure is bound to happen, don’t make it your destination by saying you’re too old to try something else. Even then, age shouldn’t define you. Opportunity is always present, take the bull by the horn. Then you can thank me later.

I'm never too old to try new things:

Since when did you become too old to try something you never did when you were younger? Just because it was made for kids, doesn’t mean you can’t try it too because you missed the opportunity when you were younger. I remember at a point my mum used to refuse to take ice cream as a snack, or take candy because she always said those are for kids. Now am glad she takes ice cream ones in a while because she changed her opinion on stuff like that. She also deserves the pleasures that life offers. Allow yourself to get lost in the moment even for a few seconds and remind yourself what it is like to be a child again. Even if it means jumping on that jumping castle with the kids. It's a good story to tell. At least you'll have known what if feels like instead of always wondering what it feels like.

I'm never too old to be seen around here:

Ever wanted to go back to school and relearn some things or take a course but because the whole class is about half your age, you are embarrassed? I know, this can be very discouraging and humiliating especially when you are the oldest one there. But life is always a learning process. You’re never too old to learn. Don’t be ashamed to learn from the younger ones. Everyone has something to teach in these different generations, give your ears a listen and take note.

I'm never too old to dress like this:

Isn't it annoying when someone says you shouldn't be wearing that because of abcd but you look so good in it anyway!? Do not limit yourself from wearing a sexy outfit on a night out because someone else wants to be a grandma. I look good then so be it! Let me show my curves and feel sexy whenever I can. This body needs to be loved and appreciated. When I’m old and gray and can cover up a bit more, I’ll be happy I didn’t decide to cover up sooner than I should have.

I'm never too old for this shit:

Maybe you’re at an event with your child or younger siblings and you feel you don’t belong because you’re too old. Maybe you love dancing and everyone in the club looks a lot younger, having so much fun, and you decide you can’t enjoy yourself because you’re too old for that shit. Maybe you can't pull an all nighter like you used to, doesn't mean you can't enjoy the music and party a little bit. Therefore, join in on the fun! Make a fool of yourself! Later you can remember to be responsibly. Besides, YOLO!

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

The love spell

I have been thinking a lot about love and I hate it. The last thing I wanted to do was make this blog about love but seems like it’s taking over my mind so please, bare with me. Love is something I try avoiding but guess it’s inevitable.

I see now that I don’t believe in love. Love is a choice. We don’t just fall in love. We decide we want to love, who we want to love, and when we want to do it. Our first actions on love are usually guided by the physical appearance.

In my case, I’ve realized I attract all kinds of weirdos. I say that because all those that have told me that they are interested have never been my type. If I entertain it’s because I compromise so I can go deeper and figure out what it is that I like about the person. Actually that is what you’re expected to do while entering a relationship by basically taking a cheap shot and hoping for the best.

My types of guys are usually too busy being chased by other fine girls and I’m not that type of girl. I’d rather watch from the sideline, admire, and desire to be chased. Normally that doesn’t happen. Good guys are usually taken and I respect that. In the long run, I never get what I want.

In result, I’ve been contempt with the idea of being single; that I don’t even bother or care for those that make moves. I’m not really in the mood of settling… assuming that everyone I want is taken and the trend recurs. What’s to say I could give the time of day to those who holla? Besides, I’m never interested.

I had an interesting discussion with one of my close friends where she told how she was inspired by some romance story she had read about in some magazine. She shared the story with me and yes it was indeed beautiful like she had said. She pointed out that she hadn’t given up on love and that I shouldn’t too. I guess I reek of everything against love.

Though what is love? Don’t get me wrong, am a sucker for love. I mean sucker for love as a third persona. I could read all the romance novels and movies in the world. Who wouldn't love a good love story and want to get lost in their love spell. In the end of it all the same remains; we are all born differently. We all have our own stories. Just because someone else found love, doesn’t mean I will. As of yet, my love story hasn't been written. 

Meanwhile I've realized we don’t get married because we love each other. We marry for convenience, companionship. The most important thing in marriage is commitment, not love. That’s what makes us last longer. Maybe one day I will choose to notice that loser that loves me. Maybe then I’ll chose to learn to love them, settle down with them, get married... because in that case it’s better to be loved than to love.

Wednesday, April 2, 2014


Funny how you don't know someone and yet when you see them for the first time, your heart skips a beat, you forget to breath, your world spins because your drawn to them, lost in the stare. Perhaps a physical attraction, I’m not really sure what to call it.

It feels like I had a past life with them in it and that we loved each other. That our love is overflowing from then to now and so we have a connection. I see you looking; I feel it, along with the sense of déjà vu. The love force so strong, it creates an attraction pull that only our worlds beyond can explain. All we do is keep a daze because we don’t understand it, more so it’s a beautiful thing. I decide fate must have brought us together.

In that moment I’m always lost for words. I’d never be the first to say anything and because I don’t say it, I never know. I assume that the feeling is mutual. Normally the moment is replayed slower in my head, as if time froze over; yes, a slow-motion occurrence. Even if it feels unreal, no matter how many times I second guess, I tell myself over and over again and reassure myself that you must have felt it too. Well at least I hope you did. So then I allow it, I enjoy the moment, I swirl in it, make it last forever, daydream. Until I’m lost in my thoughts since that’s as far as it ever goes, I create a whole world for both of us and imagine what we could have been.

Familiar is only measured by a moment not a life time. If it lasts any longer it’s a lifestyle. Therefore, I know that moments like this don’t last forever. In other words I will never see you again. If am lucky maybe fate will be kind and bring you back to me. That maybe we will see each other again; have another moment. Maybe then I’ll have courage. Either way, why even bother? It’s not like we were meant to be, or were we?

Eventually you disappear. You are only a memory. I don’t see you again. I’m hurt, as if it were real. It must have revised it so many times because I don’t remember it clearly. I can’t tell the difference with what I made up and what was real. I am stupid for dwelling in the moment and crying for something we never had. I tell myself;

 “It isn’t worth it, never was. I’ll never love. I am lovelorn.”

Thursday, March 20, 2014


My life has made me such a cold bitch!

I’ve built up a stone wall around me and trust no one but myself. If I trust you it’s probably because am thinking at the time ‘Matter over mind’ rather than ‘mind over matter’.

I’ve learn that if I get comfortable with the things I have at the moment, then I’ll never find happiness in the things that I long for because nothing comes easy unless I go out and get it myself.

I’ve learn that luck is optional; it is not given. We don’t always have luck; that bad things happen to everybody and so I am not an exception.

I’ve learn that it is easy to be bitter for so long without even realizing it. Realization is necessary to close wounds that hurt me and enable me to make peace with myself for a better mind.

I’ve learned that I worry because of the unknown, more so because my life could change at any moment and that I’m never sure when and whether it will be good or bad.

I’ve learned that the mind can be your worst enemy. Creating events and scenarios unimaginable that builds so much fear. You can let it destroy you or learn to realize that it’s not real. Therefore, fear is a choice.

I’ve learned that life isn’t easy, but without life we are dead. 

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Something About Humility

I really have admiration for humility in others and I’ve realized it’s something I want to find in myself. I keep finding myself complaining about the lack of value and self-worth over and over again and this story has got tired. I realized that I don’t value myself at all. I don’t value myself even now, and so what makes me think I’ll ever find value myself even if I was at a better position.

Funny I was watching Lupita’s interview with Lilian Muli on Citizen, you can watch it below: (Skip to 20:30 onward if you don’t want to watch the whole video).

 When she talks about value and everything she said on that and also about humbling yourself. Her words are so powerful because I realized that’s me, the whiner. I don’t really find value in anything, even in the smallest things or appreciate what’s in front of me right now.

All my life I’ve been seeking for something that I don’t have, or wanting what I don’t have and I’ve been forgetting about what’s there in front of me. I really need to change that. I want to be able to serve others without complaining. I’m working on that. I need to stop bickering about silly things and change my attitudes towards life. I need to be able to give, even more than I have. Not caring about tomorrow, but caring about the joys which today bring.

The Good book says, and I really love this: (My Sunday reading in church by the way!)

Mathew 6: 25-26

“Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you shall eat or what you shall drink, nor about your body more than your clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not more value than they?”

I’m seeking humility in this Lent period. 

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

A dozen flowers

As a photographer I love taking flowers, especially because they are so bright and colourful. They give such beautiful essence to the environment and they smell good too. Too bad you can't smell them on here. Anyway, thought I'd share with you my twelve favourite flower photos that I have taken. February is indeed the month of love, so why not give you flowers...













 Tell me your favorite! 

Saturday, February 22, 2014

My emptiness is killing me!

Life is funny! 

We spend most of our life searching for happiness. Searching for something that we can be content with. Searching for somewhere we belong. A sense of achieving satistfaction. 

What if we never find it?

What are we really looking for? Does happiness really have a form? Is it defined by one thing? Is it attained by all in one way or is it different for everyone? Do we decide our own happiness cause I'm wondering... can I really choose to be happy or does it find us when we least expect it? If it is a state of mind can I pretend to be happy enough for me to actually believe that I am? Or why do I have to pretend in the first place, why can't I just be happy!?

I feel like I've been going around in circles trying to search for something that I'm not even sure what. I'm seeking satisfaction in one self. Every time I set a goal for myself to achieve; when I do, I'm never really satisfied. It's as if I'm searching for something that's unattainable or I'm I just not complacent. Do I lack appreciation? I'm I just not aware of my achievements even in the smallest forms to be able to reward myself  and pat me in the back for it?

I've come this far in everything I've done, which brought me to this point in my life. Still I'm not there yet. I'm not happy. I haven't done anything I can call worth satisfactory. I'm nowhere next to my goals, or dreams. I have such a long way to go.

I laugh at those who say I inspire them, I ask them why? Why me? How would I ever inspire anybody? I'm not even proud of myself, or my work, or any of the things I've done until now. I don't feel like anything I've done until now is worth any praise. I don't feel as though anything I've done is effective. I don't feel like it's enough or anywhere close. I feel empty, like my goal is so far away, any small slip and I'll have lost everything I've worked so hard for. That I'll have wasted my time. I'll have wasted so many peoples time. I'll have let myself down. Effort is such an endless game. 

 I feel like I put so much pressure on myself. Sometimes I just want to sit down for a second and feel the air around me, breath in and out and actually feel my space, the presence around me because I'm lacking. I'm not here, I'm there. If you ask me, am not breathing. I'm living in the future, being burried with my concerns that my present becomes my past so quickly and that I can only look back and crave for the moment again. To be able to experience it all over again because I really wasn't there. Instead I am passing time, and it's passing so quickly. I am still searching for my happiness. I want my legasy. Spinkly is my legasy... always has been. Still it's nowhere I want it to be. I'm not accomplished in any way. I want to, I'm trying, but its so hard!

 I want to cry. Stop the madness around me and quit everything am doing and see if its any better than this emptiness I feel. I'm always chasing, I never get. Even if I get, it's not what I want. So what do I want? I am non-accomplished. The ticking clock is such a hater. Everything I'm fighting for is nowhere near me. Ahead of me is a mist, so unclear, not even my certainty is assuring. Yes it's easy to cry, maybe I can pretend that my tears will wash away the sadness, ambiguity.. make everything visible. Still I feel... I feel obscurity and it's not a good feeling. 

I hope one day I'll be happy. I hope I'll be able to fill that emptiness. I hope I will be able to look back and smile and say this, "Everything was worth it!"

Friday, February 7, 2014

Valentine's Blues!

Relationships are so weird here in Kenya. LOL, well most of them. I feel real bad for some of my friends that their partners cheat on them and they find it the norm. Worse of guys who think they can get away with it. I’ll take this moment to thank God for my dear friend ‘Karma’. I’ve always wondered about guys who say they love someone and yet cheat on them because you can’t claim to love someone, yet cheat on them. You must not know what love is… Let’s just say, “HE DOESN’T CARE ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS BECAUSE THERE’S NO FEELINGS INVOLVED IN THAT RELATIONSHIP IN THE FIRST PLACE!”

I don't know if I should blame the girls who obviously can't stand being alone and rush into relationships even though they aren’t ready. The girls who are with guys that obviously treat them badly and I have to continuously hear everything wrong with this relationship over and over again. Girls that lie to themselves that there are no strings attached and keep falling into the same trap. Girls that complain about not getting attention when they forget they are the ones who did all the chasing in that relationship; hence, the guy could care less. Worse of the girls who are in a relationship with a guy who doesn’t even know is in one.  

Another thing I noticed, is the luck of respect or affection Kenyans show towards each other compared to the American relationships. (Well, am comparing this to my friend's relationships not the TV, so relax) and I wonder what these relationships are based on. Some people seem more miserable than happy; I always wonder why they are together.

Do we (I'll say we cause am also Kenyan and I'll not exempt myself this time) not know how to love? Do we care too much for PDA that we bother not to show affection? Is a kiss of appreciation not worth giving, even in public? A kiss on the forehead, the chick, or a nice warm hug, hold hands, shit even a kiss on the lips, am not saying jump on her and get down to business there and then. Come on! At least in my case I don't lie about it. I'd hate to be in a relationship and have no affection for the person I'm dating. Why even bother?

Oh let’s not forget social media and how couples embrace each other on their profile pictures. How they look at each other, smile and everything looks so natural with my friends in America. Here in Kenya as a photographer trying to take a couples' shoot at times can be torture because everything seems so awkward and forced. I get that you’re shy, but geez... make me feel sorry about making me have to ask you to 'act like you love your partner' for the picture (note the sarcasm by the way).

Makes me wonder, do we settle for love? Do our men and women lack affection? Are we not attracted to one another? I’m I wrong for wanting more than just a smile, a pat on the back, or for wanting more than just a simple friendship?

Maybe it's me... lol maybe I’m happy being single, or say I am. Maybe am not really looking for anyone. Maybe I’m contempt with the idea of relationships. Maybe that's why couples around me look so fake! 'Maybe,' I mean who knows!!!???

Either way to all those couples that can proudly say: 

·        They are in relationships because they are ready and want to be in it.
·        They trust each other and are not cheating on one another.
·        They acknowledge each other and encourage each other to be better.
·        They see each other spending the rest of their lives together.
·        They are proud of their partner and want to show them to the world.

To all you who can easily say those things:


Friday, January 24, 2014

My value and self-worth

These are three paintings put together to create a painting set. I haven't really framed it yet, just put it together for the picture. So anyway, thought I’d share my favorite painting with all of you again. Yes it’s an old one because I haven’t painted in forever. I think the whole of last year came and went without me painting and the funny thing is I’m only realizing that now. Many people are angry at me for not painting, but that’s ok. I hope I still will be able to paint if I ever feel the need to. Until today I haven’t been able to sell a single painting, so I haven't been in a hurry to paint, I’m taking my time. Besides, its feeling up my space in my room. Painting comes with inspiration, and I’ve been drained off. I’m an expressive person and writing seems to be the best way for me to express myself these days.

For all those who’ve begged me to paint, I tell them buy a painting and maybe I’ll paint, or you know what I’ll even make a painting in your honor because I know in the end, no one’s willing to buy my paintings, and am ok with that. If I decide to paint, be it 10, 20 years from now, maybe today, tomorrow… it doesn’t matter… I’ll freaking paint when I want!

Everything I’ve experienced with my talents, such as my paintings, my logos, my photography, my magazine… everything has led me to feel worthless. I’ve valued myself down to nothing. I’ve ended up giving away paintings for free because that’s the only way they get accepted. I've taken pictures for free because that’s the only way I can do photography. I’ve even done logos for free because that’s the only way someone will let me do for them a logo. At least with the logo I was lucky the person liked it enough to ask for another. Still I was afraid to give them the actual price because I value myself so little, and I didn’t want to chase them with a high pricing. My magazine is nonprofitable, if anything I’m running it under a loss, because I have to pay for the website and maintenance: SPINKLY MAGAZINE. Since I’m worth nothing already as it is… or rather its the trend that has been upto the year 2013.

Welcome to my 2014! I REFUSE TO PUT MYSELF DOWN FOR ANYTHING OR ANYONE!!! I value my paintings, and they mean so much to me to give them away for free. The painting above, I priced it at KSH 15,000 enough to chase away clients that want to take advantage of me… because either way I know they will never buy it. Even so, if you ask me what I really feel would be the value of the painting… I think I would sell it for KSH 30,000 and above. I really love that painting, and I doubt I’d part with it for anything else. I spent so much time on that painting, and it’s an original. You won’t find that painting anywhere else. Though the sad fact of the matter is I'll lower its value for the price of opportunity.  Fuck value and opportunity! I can’t say either way I’ve been lucky!

I want to value myself more. I really do! I want to shun all those sweet talkers that caress my ego with sweet nothings that don’t even value my work. I give them props for encouragement because at least they gave me reassurance even though they encourage me further with no delivery. All in all I pray that I’ll have the wisdom to sieve out the haters and sip in the critics that matter.

I want to be that painting that is framed in gold, hanging on the wall as a center piece... not that painting that is hidden among the treasures, because that’s what it feels like. What good is a talent if it’s worth nothing? What is my value and self-worth if so far it’s been nothing? 

All through life I’ve been taught, if it comes easy, then it’s too good to be true. Life is a struggle, and what a big struggle it has been for me.

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

A Jerk Of All Trades But A Master In None

I would rather be that person who knows forever what they want and they go for it. They direct their whole life towards achieving that goal because it’s their target.

I can't say my choices have ever been easy. Growing up I was always that child that knew wanted to be a doctor. I had prepared myself, I loved doctors and doctors loved me. Even after I was admitted when I was nine years old after surviving a fatal accident that scarred me for life... I still knew I wanted to be a doctor. During my admission and doctor visits my nurses gave me tours and I'd write them essays on how I admired their work and how I wanted to be a doctor someday. I felt like the medical field was my calling and no one could tell me otherwise. 

I can't say that path was ever easy. God knows I struggled. Anyway, no one said life is ever easy right? Oh my God I worked so hard! I was always engraved in my books. I missed out on my childhood. I was that geek that fought so hard to make it through life. I chose my subjects accordingly because I had already set my goals and everyone cheered me on. Even when I failed I got up and tried again and I succeeded, such a vicious cycle, sometimes I wonder if it was only to prove a point.  However, the tears, they were so much! They left me wounded. Even when I succeeded, it wasn't satisfactory, because it was always by a landslide. It was never enough. I was sad. I wasn’t happy, and I never felt at peace with myself.

I prayed about it. I cried about it. I wondered about it. Untill finally I was lost, confused. When do you know when to call a spade a spade? I knew it was time, and I knew some things are just not cut out for me anymore. I'm happy I got my Bachelor of Science degree in biology (pre-med). Especially because they were times I wanted to quite. Everyone encouraged me, my professors especially. Oh how I love them! They were my friends, and they tutored me, oh how I learned a lot from them. I even spent my thanks giving holidays with them. I had left my family at home, thousands of miles away, only to get a higher learning.

I can’t say the number of times everyone reminded me of my childhood dreams, because they were so many. I swear the memories made me happy just thinking about them. If I could have a conversation with my childhood, I’d ask myself, “Why a doctor?” It gave me such inner joy, and certainty. I didn’t doubt it then. I knew it was my purpose. This is the person I’ve wanted to please all my life: My younger self, the ambitious one, the one that had a goal.

The hardest day for me is the day I decided to stop. I looked at myself in the mirror, my present. I realized I need to stop living in the past. I’m chasing childhood dreams that don’t do me any good. It’s even had to admit it to myself. I feel like not chasing those dreams has lost a big part of me. And it has, cause who I’m I now?

I’ve been slowly waring out, faster than I should. I realized growing up I had never taken the time to look around me, see the world around me. It was like that path you walk every day, back and forth always in a hurry and you one day decide to stop and smell the flowers; You didn’t even notice they were there. That was the day I listened to my desires to paint. I took a paint brush, I painted, and it was beautiful. I had lived all my life chasing a dream that I had missed out on discovering who I was and now I discovered this whole new side of me. I had never known such creativity. Up until now I feel like am still searching. I feel like I don’t know who this new person is. Everything I try I’m told am good at. It’s both a blessing and a curse, because in the end I am a jerk of all trades, but a master in none.