Tuesday, July 15, 2014

I AM FADING


I feel it all around me. You don't have to tell me. Everything is slowly disappearing One by one,  everything is becoming irrelevant. I'm not even bothered. silence is all I long for. To be left alone. In the accompaniment of my thoughts. At least my thoughts are honest. They show me what I want. I can imagine the world I wanted for myself. Everything that I've always longed for and failed to get. At least in my mind... I can picture it. Somewhat it can be real, get lost in my fantasy, pretend, anything is better than my reality.

If only I could escape forever. If only I could demand my reality and make everything ok. Instead I know my fate and I hate it. It hurts.  I'm in pain all the time and  it sucks. I don't know how long am going to hold it, pretending everything is ok while I am slowly dying inside. Everything inside me is being eaten away. I can't do anything about it. Soon I won't be able to hide it.

Maybe if I keep the silence. It will be less painful. Maybe it will go away on its own. Maybe one day I'll wake up and it will all have been a bad dream. Maybe I can hope on miracles. Yes maybe my faith will heal me and it will all just go away. Never to be known.


Unfortunately, that's not the case. Every day I wake up. Happy am still here. I got another shot at life. I am thankful. Then I feel it, it's still there. It's not gone anywhere, the pain is real. I remember my fate. I wonder, try to justify everything, calculate how much time I have left... but in the end, my fate remains the same. I am fading. 

Monday, July 7, 2014

It's all but a crush



Why do I always think of you like this?
Why does it never end?
I see you, my heart stops. I forget to breath.
Everything I did to get to where I am is forgotten.
I'm still wishing you were mine.
I think of what we could be, what we should have been.
I think of what a beautiful family we would have made.
You and I a perfect future.
The rhyme of our names put together.
Oh what a beautiful sound.

I smile in my own world.
I fantasize.
My thoughts, better than all the romance novels I've ever read.
But you don't see me, you don't know me, and Id never tell.
You were never mine.
Never will be.
Because you don't love me.
Never have.
Your thoughts different from mine.
You are always taken, there's always somebody else.

That's the sacrifice I take to see you happy.
See you living what I wish we had with someone else.
Hear you tell me how you love her, over and over again.
Only to distance us further even more.
Painfully accepting that your heart belongs to somebody else.
Always did, always will.
Single is what I've known.
I'm accustomed to its loneliness.
My desires mean nothing because you taught me that.
What I feel isn't important and should be ignored.

I've learned to distance myself from you over the years.
Only because I want to forget you.
I want to erase you from my heart.
Even still, when I see you after the years:
It all comes back, haunting me.
My heart crushed into pieces, with empty spaces.
A place now with only resentment and confusion.
I smile even when Im angry at you, because you make me happy.
Only to say goodbye again and have to move on without you.
I ask myself, "Was it ever all just but a crush?"

Wednesday, July 2, 2014

Lonesome

Doesn’t matter what I do or say because everything is pointless
Nothing has meaning anymore
I’m so tired!
 Tired of trying, tired of hoping, tired of all the wishful thinking, tired of lying to myself that I can when I know I can’t.  
I wish the grass was greener on the other side, but it isn’t! It never has been, never will be, it’s all in my head cause even on the other side, it’s all the same. It’s always been the same, there’s no difference. Nothing to fight for, nothing to achieve!
What’s a goal without a score or what’s a score without a goal? Nothing! They both are nothing when they stand alone.
I stand alone, am so alone. I look around me and I realize that yes I am alone. I’ve always been alone. Doesn’t matter where or with whom, I’m always alone and I see that now.
Nobody cares, nobody sees, nobody listens, nobody understands.
The thrill, the eagerness is all varnished, disappeared. I’ve gone silent in worry. I’m so despaired, so disappointed!
No one to talk to, no one to make clear of the things I can’t explain myself. No way to make another understand if I myself cannot even understand.
So much bugging, so little to say… I’m quiet, in my mind, lost in worry, my insanity, it drives me crazy.
Who needs explanation anyway? Besides, is it yours or mine to figure out? Who cares?
Not a damn body!
Not a mind or soul!
Not even my dreams. They aren’t valid.

My dreams, everything is all so vague. Maybe it isn’t vague, maybe I just know the answer to the question but I don’t like it. I don’t want to hear it, so I avoid, I run and I escape, every time! Only to end up in the same place… Nowhere!