I AM FADING

I feel it all around me. You don't have to tell me. Everything is slowly disappearing One by one,  everything is becoming irrelevant. I'm not even bothered. silence is all I long for. To be left alone. In the accompaniment of my thoughts. At least my thoughts are honest. They show me what I want. I can imagine the world I wanted for myself. Everything that I've always longed for and failed to get. At least in my mind... I can picture it. Somewhat it can be real, get lost in my fantasy, pretend, anything is better than my reality.

If only I could escape forever. If only I could demand my reality and make everything ok. Instead I know my fate and I hate it. It hurts.  I'm in pain all the time and  it sucks. I don't know how long am going to hold it, pretending everything is ok while I am slowly dying inside. Everything inside me is being eaten away. I can't do anything about it. Soon I won't be able to hide it.

Maybe if I keep the silence. It will be less painful. Maybe it will go away on its own. Maybe one day I'll wake up and it will all have been a bad dream. Maybe I can hope on miracles. Yes maybe my faith will heal me and it will all just go away. Never to be known.

Unfortunately, that's not the case. Every day I wake up. Happy am still here. I got another shot at life. I am thankful. Then I feel it, it's still there. It's not gone anywhere, the pain is real. I remember my fate. I wonder, try to justify everything, calculate how much time I have left... but in the end, my fate remains the same. I am fading. 

Lonesome

Doesn’t matter what I do or say because everything is pointless

Nothing has meaning anymore

I’m so tired!

 Tired of trying, tired of hoping, tired of all the wishful thinking, tired of lying to myself that I can when I know I can’t.  

I wish the grass was greener on the other side, but it isn’t! It never has been, never will be, it’s all in my head cause even on the other side, it’s all the same. It’s always been the same, there’s no difference. Nothing to fight for, nothing to achieve!

What’s a goal without a score or what’s a score without a goal? Nothing! They both are nothing when they stand alone.

I stand alone, am so alone. I look around me and I realize that yes I am alone. I’ve always been alone. Doesn’t matter where or with whom, I’m always alone and I see that now.

Nobody cares, nobody sees, nobody listens, nobody understands.

The thrill, the eagerness is all varnished, disappeared. I’ve gone silent in worry. I’m so despaired, so disappointed!

No one to talk to, no one to make clear of the things I can’t explain myself. No way to make another understand if I myself cannot even understand.

So much bugging, so little to say… I’m quiet, in my mind, lost in worry, my insanity, it drives me crazy.

Who needs explanation anyway? Besides, is it yours or mine to figure out? Who cares?

Not a damn body!

Not a mind or soul!

Not even my dreams. They aren’t valid.

My dreams, everything is all so vague. Maybe it isn’t vague, maybe I just know the answer to the question but I don’t like it. I don’t want to hear it, so I avoid, I run and I escape, every time! Only to end up in the same place… Nowhere!