Friday, January 24, 2014

My value and self-worth

These are three paintings put together to create a painting set. I haven't really framed it yet, just put it together for the picture. So anyway, thought I’d share my favorite painting with all of you again. Yes it’s an old one because I haven’t painted in forever. I think the whole of last year came and went without me painting and the funny thing is I’m only realizing that now. Many people are angry at me for not painting, but that’s ok. I hope I still will be able to paint if I ever feel the need to. Until today I haven’t been able to sell a single painting, so I haven't been in a hurry to paint, I’m taking my time. Besides, its feeling up my space in my room. Painting comes with inspiration, and I’ve been drained off. I’m an expressive person and writing seems to be the best way for me to express myself these days.

For all those who’ve begged me to paint, I tell them buy a painting and maybe I’ll paint, or you know what I’ll even make a painting in your honor because I know in the end, no one’s willing to buy my paintings, and am ok with that. If I decide to paint, be it 10, 20 years from now, maybe today, tomorrow… it doesn’t matter… I’ll freaking paint when I want!

Everything I’ve experienced with my talents, such as my paintings, my logos, my photography, my magazine… everything has led me to feel worthless. I’ve valued myself down to nothing. I’ve ended up giving away paintings for free because that’s the only way they get accepted. I've taken pictures for free because that’s the only way I can do photography. I’ve even done logos for free because that’s the only way someone will let me do for them a logo. At least with the logo I was lucky the person liked it enough to ask for another. Still I was afraid to give them the actual price because I value myself so little, and I didn’t want to chase them with a high pricing. My magazine is nonprofitable, if anything I’m running it under a loss, because I have to pay for the website and maintenance: SPINKLY MAGAZINE. Since I’m worth nothing already as it is… or rather its the trend that has been upto the year 2013.

Welcome to my 2014! I REFUSE TO PUT MYSELF DOWN FOR ANYTHING OR ANYONE!!! I value my paintings, and they mean so much to me to give them away for free. The painting above, I priced it at KSH 15,000 enough to chase away clients that want to take advantage of me… because either way I know they will never buy it. Even so, if you ask me what I really feel would be the value of the painting… I think I would sell it for KSH 30,000 and above. I really love that painting, and I doubt I’d part with it for anything else. I spent so much time on that painting, and it’s an original. You won’t find that painting anywhere else. Though the sad fact of the matter is I'll lower its value for the price of opportunity.  Fuck value and opportunity! I can’t say either way I’ve been lucky!

I want to value myself more. I really do! I want to shun all those sweet talkers that caress my ego with sweet nothings that don’t even value my work. I give them props for encouragement because at least they gave me reassurance even though they encourage me further with no delivery. All in all I pray that I’ll have the wisdom to sieve out the haters and sip in the critics that matter.

I want to be that painting that is framed in gold, hanging on the wall as a center piece... not that painting that is hidden among the treasures, because that’s what it feels like. What good is a talent if it’s worth nothing? What is my value and self-worth if so far it’s been nothing? 

All through life I’ve been taught, if it comes easy, then it’s too good to be true. Life is a struggle, and what a big struggle it has been for me.

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

A Jerk Of All Trades But A Master In None

I would rather be that person who knows forever what they want and they go for it. They direct their whole life towards achieving that goal because it’s their target.

I can't say my choices have ever been easy. Growing up I was always that child that knew wanted to be a doctor. I had prepared myself, I loved doctors and doctors loved me. Even after I was admitted when I was nine years old after surviving a fatal accident that scarred me for life... I still knew I wanted to be a doctor. During my admission and doctor visits my nurses gave me tours and I'd write them essays on how I admired their work and how I wanted to be a doctor someday. I felt like the medical field was my calling and no one could tell me otherwise. 

I can't say that path was ever easy. God knows I struggled. Anyway, no one said life is ever easy right? Oh my God I worked so hard! I was always engraved in my books. I missed out on my childhood. I was that geek that fought so hard to make it through life. I chose my subjects accordingly because I had already set my goals and everyone cheered me on. Even when I failed I got up and tried again and I succeeded, such a vicious cycle, sometimes I wonder if it was only to prove a point.  However, the tears, they were so much! They left me wounded. Even when I succeeded, it wasn't satisfactory, because it was always by a landslide. It was never enough. I was sad. I wasn’t happy, and I never felt at peace with myself.

I prayed about it. I cried about it. I wondered about it. Untill finally I was lost, confused. When do you know when to call a spade a spade? I knew it was time, and I knew some things are just not cut out for me anymore. I'm happy I got my Bachelor of Science degree in biology (pre-med). Especially because they were times I wanted to quite. Everyone encouraged me, my professors especially. Oh how I love them! They were my friends, and they tutored me, oh how I learned a lot from them. I even spent my thanks giving holidays with them. I had left my family at home, thousands of miles away, only to get a higher learning.

I can’t say the number of times everyone reminded me of my childhood dreams, because they were so many. I swear the memories made me happy just thinking about them. If I could have a conversation with my childhood, I’d ask myself, “Why a doctor?” It gave me such inner joy, and certainty. I didn’t doubt it then. I knew it was my purpose. This is the person I’ve wanted to please all my life: My younger self, the ambitious one, the one that had a goal.

The hardest day for me is the day I decided to stop. I looked at myself in the mirror, my present. I realized I need to stop living in the past. I’m chasing childhood dreams that don’t do me any good. It’s even had to admit it to myself. I feel like not chasing those dreams has lost a big part of me. And it has, cause who I’m I now?

I’ve been slowly waring out, faster than I should. I realized growing up I had never taken the time to look around me, see the world around me. It was like that path you walk every day, back and forth always in a hurry and you one day decide to stop and smell the flowers; You didn’t even notice they were there. That was the day I listened to my desires to paint. I took a paint brush, I painted, and it was beautiful. I had lived all my life chasing a dream that I had missed out on discovering who I was and now I discovered this whole new side of me. I had never known such creativity. Up until now I feel like am still searching. I feel like I don’t know who this new person is. Everything I try I’m told am good at. It’s both a blessing and a curse, because in the end I am a jerk of all trades, but a master in none.