Wednesday, January 15, 2014

A Jerk Of All Trades But A Master In None

I would rather be that person who knows forever what they want and they go for it. They direct their whole life towards achieving that goal because it’s their target.

I can't say my choices have ever been easy. Growing up I was always that child that knew wanted to be a doctor. I had prepared myself, I loved doctors and doctors loved me. Even after I was admitted when I was nine years old after surviving a fatal accident that scarred me for life... I still knew I wanted to be a doctor. During my admission and doctor visits my nurses gave me tours and I'd write them essays on how I admired their work and how I wanted to be a doctor someday. I felt like the medical field was my calling and no one could tell me otherwise. 

I can't say that path was ever easy. God knows I struggled. Anyway, no one said life is ever easy right? Oh my God I worked so hard! I was always engraved in my books. I missed out on my childhood. I was that geek that fought so hard to make it through life. I chose my subjects accordingly because I had already set my goals and everyone cheered me on. Even when I failed I got up and tried again and I succeeded, such a vicious cycle, sometimes I wonder if it was only to prove a point.  However, the tears, they were so much! They left me wounded. Even when I succeeded, it wasn't satisfactory, because it was always by a landslide. It was never enough. I was sad. I wasn’t happy, and I never felt at peace with myself.

I prayed about it. I cried about it. I wondered about it. Untill finally I was lost, confused. When do you know when to call a spade a spade? I knew it was time, and I knew some things are just not cut out for me anymore. I'm happy I got my Bachelor of Science degree in biology (pre-med). Especially because they were times I wanted to quite. Everyone encouraged me, my professors especially. Oh how I love them! They were my friends, and they tutored me, oh how I learned a lot from them. I even spent my thanks giving holidays with them. I had left my family at home, thousands of miles away, only to get a higher learning.

I can’t say the number of times everyone reminded me of my childhood dreams, because they were so many. I swear the memories made me happy just thinking about them. If I could have a conversation with my childhood, I’d ask myself, “Why a doctor?” It gave me such inner joy, and certainty. I didn’t doubt it then. I knew it was my purpose. This is the person I’ve wanted to please all my life: My younger self, the ambitious one, the one that had a goal.

The hardest day for me is the day I decided to stop. I looked at myself in the mirror, my present. I realized I need to stop living in the past. I’m chasing childhood dreams that don’t do me any good. It’s even had to admit it to myself. I feel like not chasing those dreams has lost a big part of me. And it has, cause who I’m I now?

I’ve been slowly waring out, faster than I should. I realized growing up I had never taken the time to look around me, see the world around me. It was like that path you walk every day, back and forth always in a hurry and you one day decide to stop and smell the flowers; You didn’t even notice they were there. That was the day I listened to my desires to paint. I took a paint brush, I painted, and it was beautiful. I had lived all my life chasing a dream that I had missed out on discovering who I was and now I discovered this whole new side of me. I had never known such creativity. Up until now I feel like am still searching. I feel like I don’t know who this new person is. Everything I try I’m told am good at. It’s both a blessing and a curse, because in the end I am a jerk of all trades, but a master in none. 

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