Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Cover Art

I've been working on some spinkly cover texts that I thought I'd share with you before the year is over cause I thought they belonged in the open. I have some of them saved as my screen saver templates but I'll show the cover version of them on here. I left out a couple, so yes, there's a lot more.. although some I'm not too sure about. So this is where you're help comes in. Tell me whether its a toss or a keeper.

Wish the blog was more interactive so that you could help me out a little bit but one of my friends said they have a problem commenting, so guess that's a bummer. For those who can get to comment, please do and let me know what you think. If you want me to create one for you let me know and I can do it for you. I won't charge too high, so don't worry about the price. 

Betther yet the first person to hit me up get's a customed cover made for their facebook/twitter/header.. I don't know, wherever you want to use it. If not that I could make you a customed screen saver.

Ok, let me just jump right into it, here are 10 samples: 


There are the ten covers. Please comment bellow and tell me your favourite :-)

Tuesday, December 24, 2013

Oh Christmas Tree!!!

This Christmas I'm giving you twenty beautiful pictures of my Christmas tree. I didn't know where else to share them and not many people appreciate pictures as much as I do. Either way, if you're interested you can scroll down and leave your comments under.

The tree itself:

I decided I'd show a bit more details of the tree:



Like my photography page: Spinkly Photography

Tell me which one is your favourtite below: 

Sunday, December 15, 2013

Your photography vs my photography and what it really means

You know it’s funny but I can't help but be doubtful sometimes. Even if I'm told thousands of times to be positive about the things I do.

 I try though, I really do! If I didn't try I wouldn't continue to take pictures.

So anyway, I have a photography page on here below: Please like the page and show support cause in the end numbers do count or so I tell myself, and then I rethink that statement later on.

Click below to view my photography page on facebook, and to see more photos taken by me:

 I've realized I've been shy about showing my work lately. There are so many good photographers out there that have such amazing work. I can't help but feel trashed in every way. I can't help but feel that other people are making comparisons and laughing at my work because I've seen the beauty of other people's work. Yes, I can't even try and compete with them, or make mine anything similar. Although I have to remember the reason I'm doing this is because I love it and it's not about getting accepted into the world of photography. It's not about the judgment I get from the public view. 

I realize I was more comfortable posting my work on my facebook fanpage because my audience wasn't that big. Believe me, 230 likes is bigger than I thought I'd reach and as the numbers grow I lose my confidence in my work. I feel like the world is watching, and expecting the works of Mutua Matheka on my page and other great photographers. No no no I am not them!!! I don't know what Camera's they use, I can't even try and imagine. If I wanted to copy them, and do everything like every great photographer, then what is Spinkly. Can't I just make a fan page and share all the beautiful pictures of other great photographers?

The funny thing is I never planned that I'd become a photographer. I still don't even consider myself as a photographer. Some people do, and I’m ok with it. I'll call myself a photographer because yes indeed I take photos. So ok, I'll just go with it. I guess if anything it's indeed a compliment, because somebody somewhere appreciates my work and you are awesome for that! I take pictures all the time (lots of them) and post them facebook profile. I have so many albums its ridiculous! I don't think my friends see the fascination in nature and the random things I take, so I thought if I started a fan page and fill it with my random photos instead of filling up my facebook timeline, then that would be ok. So then I posted my work there for the world to see, away from my personal profile timeline and someone even suggested that I put a sign on my pictures!!! So I created a logo as advised. It was simple, but it was needed. See the logo I created then:

I was too excited with the fact that I came up with that logo on my own and that I'd post it on my pictures that showed they were associated with me. Also with the fact that someone thought my pictures deserved to be identified. So heck yeahhhh!!!! Go Spinkly Photography!!! 

As the days went on from them, I became interested in photography. I started looking around at other people's photos, which I loved. I mean, really loved!!! HAVE YOU SEEN PROFESSIONAL PHOTOGRAPHERS AT WORK??? The more I became more interested in photography and compared myself with others, the more I've become more critical in my work. I realized that am that grain in the sand. See that grain in this picture below? 

Yeah me neither, I don't see it. My point exactly!

Maybe the reason I feel so judged is because I have other photographers criticizing my work too often, which you would think it’s a good thing. I mean how else do you grow as a photographer? So not that I should care or be bugged about it, but at some point I guess I do. I feel like so much is expected of me, even when it was supposed to have been fun from the beginning. I take pictures because I like taking pictures, I mean, who doesn't? Who doesn't want to freeze a moment in time and have it with them forever? A picture is the actual thing, geez your mind can only remember so much... Who wouldn't want an image of their happy past moments? So yes, that's what's cool about a picture… it captures a moment in your lifetime! 

Here's another thing, when someone comes and judges your picture telling you everything that's wrong with it, it’s annoying! Then they want to tell you how you can fix it and make it better, maybe even make it look more fake. That just takes away the aspect of me taking the picture in the first place. In fact it makes me mad…Yes am a perfectionist and I like things perfect sometimes, I agree... yes I wish I could have taken a better picture so maybe in that other person's eyes its ugly and maybe they don't like it. All am thinking at the time is, you can't turn back time. If I could yes I could! I'd have a better camera and I'd have a better image with me. The pissing part is I wasn't able to capture the essence of the beauty that my eyes saw at the time of that moment and share the magical moment with the viewer as exactly as it was. However, in the end it’s not about the viewer’s conception, it’s about mine and what I remember from it. There's nothing more satisfying and rewarding knowing that the picture is from my moment in time, and not somebodies else's. That I was there at that particular moment in time to be able to capture that image you see now on 2D and that I’m able to share that beautiful moment at that particular time with somebody else. That through my lens of my camera, I'll have that particular memory forever, and I'll always look back and experience it like it was. So in the end it doesn't matter what the viewer has to say because they weren't there. Their comments are based on secondary information that any other viewer makes judgments based on what they see from a capture of my memory. Yet every time I look at the picture, it’s different for me, because to me it’s a piece of me... It's a moment re-live in my lifetime. That the moment was special and so that's good enough for me. That's what's beautiful to me in a picture, and I don't think people see it like that. I call it my 'I was here stamp in life!'

So yes, you're probably right! This picture below is a beautiful picture of New York, A panoramic view taken midday in Manhattan. It’s way more cooler than my picture of course or better than any of the pictures I ever took when I was there. 

I wish I knew who took it. Reason I sign my pictures... 

However, this next picture is taken by me. It means so much more to me as a photographer because I was there. The view was beautiful, breathtaking, words can't describe, and every time I look at it I remember! It's one of my memories and a part of me I wouldn't be able to share, but I can share this shot with you. That's what photography is to me!

Taken from New York at night

No I did not take it with a professional camera, like the one posted prior to this but used I used my 14 Megapixel sony cyber shot camera. It still served the purpose; I will still remember it, and what's even better is that it was taken by me! So yes I signed it, and it’s one of my photography. Nothing professional, but it has my stamp on it! 

I'm sure if I could take that picture with a better camera I'd do it over.. but its still my picture and what I took then.

I've also changed the signing on my photography, especially since someone went and copied it. 

I'm not to good with staying with the same logo. Someone asked me if they could do a photography logo for me, but I refuced because of course there's a cool in knowing you did the logo on your own. So then I sign pictures with the one above now.

I was also looking up the log below as a signature, so then I use it sometimes cause I thought it had a bit of edge.

Please comment below if you like it... 

This is how it looks on a picture I took on my birthday which was on Friday the 13th (I know but I was lucky on that day, so no worries!)

Happy to say my photography is improving with time, hopefully I'll get a lot better! I wan't to preserve my memories a lot better!!! So then my photography is not just primary satisfaction, but secondary as well :-)

Friday, December 13, 2013


I'm a fan of Soap Operas… well not really like I used to be before. These days I just watch the first few episodes, get the idea of the characters and then wait until the end. Of course I’d wait until the end because it’s always a happy ending! I wouldn’t want to stress myself out throughout the show seeing evil succeed; I like to know there’s a reward for the good and that’s always at the end.

So then it got me thinking; what if life was a soap opera and we all had our roles to play? Who then would I be?

In my head I’m the lead actress. Then again, one who falls in love? The one whom we all adore and wish to be, the one whom the show revolves around? The pretty girl that finds her prince charming, they have their ups and downs all through the show then finally in the end they get together? Would I be the girl that ends up living in a castle with her prince charming. Or is it the hacienda?

Then there always the obstacles:

The rich girl/poor girl that finds a rich man… the poor girl works her butt off, she’s always struggling and the rich man finds her and sweeps her off her feet. The parents then hate her because she’s not of their standards. 

There’s that character that will always be there to prevent these two love birds from being together. The one who is jealous! This character always gets the sad ending: They go crazy, get locked up, change their ways and confess all their wrong doings or maybe they  just die all alone.

Then there’s the second relevant character, the one who is either best friends with the lead character. They also have their own romance story. Sometimes they fight with the lead character for the same guy. At least somewhere along the way always turns out there’s someone else for them. Yes they are pretty, but I guess their story is not effective enough to play the main role.

 Where do I fit in? Where is my prince charming? I’m I the character with the sad ending? The one who ends up alone in the end… hated by everybody else. Or am I not fit enough to play the lead role? I’m I the in-betweens that my story is not strong or good enough to be told? I’m I that person who just strings along and in the end it doesn’t matter what happens to them? Even if I'm the lead role, does it have to be such a struggle to get to be with my prince charming? Better yet, if there’s really a prince charming for every one… where are you my Alejandro, I want my happy ending!?

Thursday, October 17, 2013

What if I never get married?

It's crazy how society judges so harshly at everything we do in general. I end up being conscious and aware of the things that I'm expected to do even without wanting to. This is random: I saw a post of Kim K in her swim suit flaunting her almost-naked body and the first thought I had was, "She is a mum! What is she doing? She's not suppose to be doing such things now!!!" Anyway, so I went on and read the other comments and a lot of people were pointing that out as well and saying how rude, disrespectful and disgusted they were on how she isn't setting a good example. That's when I got defensive and I realized, am just like the rest of society. Too many expectations.

So Beyonce got a baby now, does that mean she should stop wiggling her ass or maybe should she not have been wiggling her ass in the first place? What difference does it make anyway? Does her child give her an exception? Is it because she's a mummy now she shouldn't do it? Besides she's on her 30's probably giving her more reason not to which makes me think back to all the teens that are getting pregnant at their early ages been forced to grow up young. They are forced by society not to do some stuff that motherless women still do even though we've got women at their 40's who haven't got kids and they get away with anything. So is it the role model factor that we instil in mothers to be able to set a good example to their children? So does that mean if I never get a child I don't ever have to be a role model to anyone and society won't be so judgemental? I don't know life is funny! This leads me on to my next topic, actually the main discussion of my blog today... Marriage!

Why is society so based on the fact that we have to get married? Or since I'm Catholic.. join sobriety (ok wrong word) I mean join some priesthood of some sort. Meaning devoting my life to God. There's nothing wrong with that... It's just lately since I'm soon getting to my 30's I've started to ask myself, "What if I never get married?"

Is it a crime? Is it such a big deal? I grew up knowing they are two paths in life. To be a nun or to get married and have children. Well I couldn't be a nun for obvious reasons which make sense to me. But now there's a possibility that marriage is not for everyone and I've been thinking a lot lately that it may not be for me too.

All my life I've grown up with the mindset, go to school, work hard, get good grades, graduate, get a job, get married, have children and the cycle continues. It doesn't really work like that. In fact you're lucky if it works out that way for you. As I'm approaching my 30's I'm having a rude awakening. For starters shit doesn't really work out how you plan it. You fall shot of the expectations you had for yourself and society starts to question you so many times that you just want to dig a hole and bury yourself in it. You find yourself not wanting to face society cause you're tired of hearing it over and over again. Geez society can be so judgemental, I mean it's bad enough I know it, just don't rub your expectations in my face. Doesn't make it any different if you keep remind me. You're expectations may not be mine, and even if they are there's nothing wrong with having a different outcome.

My mum keeps mention to me how its about that time I start my life. I mean really? Start my life!? I just want to respond to her, 'I'm I not living now?" Do you start living when you get married and have children of your own. Oh and again not everyone gets children or wants children of their own. Even if they did not all women can have children of their own, so don't judge them harshly. In the end, it all goes back to what if I never get married or have children? Does it mean I'll never live? Is that our purpose in life? To keep re-carrying this life cycle of offsprings.. maybe it is, maybe that's what life's really about. Maybe I wouldn't understand cause am not there yet.

Now the question about marriage. Would I have an arranged marriage? If you asked me this a year ago I would think you're insane. But think about it, how many people that go into arranged marriages survive over those that go into marriages head over hills in love? You'll be surprised. Statistics state that arranged marriages last longer than the latter. This is because you go into the marriage expecting everything to be perfect and you always fall shot as opposed to someone who goes into a marriage expecting the worst and it turns out ok for them. Funny isn't it? I know!

Anyway, at the end of the day... marriage is a commitment. I'm not saying I wouldn't do it, its just one of those things that I realize that amongst all the pressure to get married it doesn't cut for me. So what if I never get married? It's not the end of the world. So Let me be.

Saturday, August 3, 2013

Somewhere In Between

This life, we just never know where its going. Everything is a guess, we all take risks, we all take chances. All so slightly with our hopes up and our dreams yearning, that everything turns out okay. We never really know anything, we're never really sure. Yet we still endure and opt for that better outcome.

Right now, somewhere in between I feel fear, I feel hopelessness, I feel doubt, I feel that I lost my way. I keep looking back... As am trying to think back, I feel as though I'm trapped in the past. I can't keep moving forward because I want to mend the past mistakes. Problem is I can't find the past mistakes, or even if I do, I can't help but regret cause I'm stuck on my old habits. Habits are safe, at least if its habit, it means am accustomed to them so habits are what I want to grab on. I mean think about it... How can you go wrong if your familiar with that something that you do way to often? You know the outcome, you know the expectations. That way, its never a lose situation because all you know is loosing, so what's winning like? Is that all there is? Can one really be afraid of winning because they've never felt what it is like to win?

Somewhere in between, I find myself questioning every step along the way. The 'what ifs'? Oh how I hate the 'what ifs.' Then there's the 'hows' and the 'why should I'? Better the 'the why nots'? because they are self motivating.

It's a re-carrying nightmare! If only I had known then what I know now, somewhere in between.. would I have made the choices I made then again, given the chance to do it over? If the answer is no, I'm I stuck somewhere in between? Can I get out? Help me get out! Help me stop looking back! Help me carry on! Help me look forward!

If only I had known then what I know now I wouldn't have made the choices that I made. 

Wednesday, July 17, 2013


I came across this post and I remembered my past years having lived in America as an African hanging around African Americans. I feel like I totally can relate what Bill Cosby is saying. I was doing Biology at the time and was also one of the few blacks at my college. We all knew each other because we were not so many. My sister and I were practically the only Kenyans at the time in the college, that they nick named us 'Kenyans' 1 and 2. I was accustomed to the name. 

In my biology class, I was one of the only 3 blacks. The rest of the two were Haitians and we would joke about it, or wonder why they weren't that many African Americans interested in becoming doctors or the likes, or even who took education as a whole seriously. Most of the ones I knew in the college would drop out or get transferred elsewhere to try better their grades. 

A lot of my African American friends, well the few that were in college (mostly girls) struggled to maintain their GPA. I never thought it were possible to see anything below a 2.0 GPA or worse, but they were many. As for the guys we had them all in the basketball team on scholarships. When I sat with them in some of my core curriculum classes it was hard to believe how they even made it that far. Some of them were having a hard time reading general English, let alone surviving the class. It honestly came as a surprise to me.

A lot of my friends found it hard to believe that I was one out of 6 children in my family and that we all shared the same parents. Apparently its highly likely that it ever happens, considering that I'm from African descent. I would tell them that I know a whole lot of black folks that share the same. Unfortunately I can't say the same about African Americans. 

I was all about wanting the blacks to do better as a race. To show a better side of our people, talked about this a couple of times with my close Haitian friend that felt the same way. Mainly because I knew we ought to do better for ourselves, especially for our future generation. 


They're standing on the corner and they can't speak English.
I can't even talk the way these people talk:
Why you ain't,
Where you is,
What he drive,
Where he stay,
Where he work,
Who you be...
And I blamed the kid until I heard the mother talk.
And then I heard the father talk.
Everybody knows it's important to speak English except these knuckleheads. You can't be a doctor with that kind of crap coming out of your mouth. 
In fact you will never get any kind of job making a decent living.

People marched and were hit in the face with rocks to get an Education, and now we've got these Knuckleheads walking around.
The lower economic people are not holding up their end in this deal.
These people are not pretending. They are buying things for kids.
$500 sneakers for what?
And they won't spend $200 for Hooked on Phonics.

I am talking about these people who cry when their son is standing there in an orange suit.
Where were you when he was 2?
Where were you when he was 12?
Where were you when he was 18 and how come you didn't know that he had a pistol?
And where is the father? Or who is his father?
People  putting their clothes on backwards:
Isn't that a sign of something gone wrong?
People with their hats on backward, pants down around the crack, isn't that a sign of something?

Isn't it a sign of something when she has he dress all the way up and got all types of needles [piercings] going through her body?
What part of Africa did this come from??
We are not Africans. Those people are not Africans; they don't know a thing about Africa....

I say this all of the time. It would be like white people saying they are European-American. That is totally stupid. I was born here, and so were my parents and grand parents and, very likely my great grandparents. I don't gave any connection to Africa, no more than white Americans have to Germany, Scotland, England, Ireland, or the Netherlands. The same applies to 99 percent of all the black Americans as regards to Africa. So stop already!!! 
With names like Shaniqua, Taliqua and Mohammed and all of that crap ......... And all of them are in jail. 

Brown or black versus the Board of Education is no longer the white person's problem.
We have got to take the neighborhood back.
People used to be ashamed. Today a woman has eight children with eight different 'husbands' -- or men or whatever you call them now.
We have millionaire football players who cannot read.
We have million-dollar basketball players who can't write two paragraphs. We, as black folks have to do a better job.
Someone working at Wal-Mart with seven kids, you are hurting us.
We have to start holding each other to a higher standard..
We cannot blame the white people any longer.'

~Dr.. William Henry 'Bill' Cosby, Jr., Ed..D.

It's NOT about color...
It's about behavior!!!
We ought to do better!

Thursday, July 11, 2013


One of my paintings

Sometimes I wanna CRY!!!

Cry for my uncertainties... Cry because I miss my past life... Cry because I'm not content about my future... Cry because I want better... Cry because I'm hurting... Cry because I'm happy or cause am sad... Yeah, Sometimes I just want to cry for no reason and not be asked or have to feel the need to explain myself.

I keep looking back at my pictures, looking back at all the opportunities I had around me and end up disappointed at myself for the little I made of them.

I can't fathom some of the choices I made at some points in my life, and why they led me to where I am now in my life. Are they relevant?

I try make points, draw dots of the different challenges of my life and hope that maybe one day they'll make sense. Maybe when I am where I'm meant to be, I'll truly believe it. I hope that that day I'll be able to sit back and look at the dots and draw the line that connects the dots.

Why go through so much hurt, go through so many irrelevant paths if they all don't add up? Is it necessary? Especially when you're at a point where you don't understand any of it.

Are we all taught life lessons and we refuse to learn from them? If we are, why isn't it ever obvious? Why can't we just have the answers so we don't stress? So that we can avoid all the extra heart ache that we don't need.

Right now I'm looking at all my possibilities. No they still don't make sense. Hopefully one day they will. I pray it will all come to me, and that it will all make sense. Until then, I cry and hope one day, all this tears will have meant something.

If I ever cry then, when I finally realize it all. I hope it will only be tears of joy, because I'll be happy. Because I'll have conquered. Because it was all worth it. I cry.

Thursday, May 2, 2013

Get Motivated!

Thought I'd share these wise words I read that gave me so much motivation...

What is the first thing you think of when you
wake up, your problems or your goals?

Decide that you are going to start each day
thinking about your goals, your dreams and your
positive possibilities. As soon as you wake up in
the morning, start throwing out those nagging
doubts and worries.

Concentrate, instead, on
the things you have decided to accomplish in
your life. Whatever you think about long enough
 and intently enough
will become a reality for you. That is because
your thoughts direct your actions from moment
to moment, from day to day.

If you spend a lot of time thinking about your
problems, they may grow bigger and stronger.
Is that what you want? Of course not.

focus on your goals. Keep them in the forefront
of your mind from the moment you wake up,
throughout the morning, the afternoon,
 the evening, until you go to bed at night.

Your thoughts are yours. They are completely under
your control. So you might as well use them to
benefit you. Because, what you think about,
you bring about.

You have GREATNESS within YOU.

- Les Brown

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

I Pray For A Better Kenya

I'm not into politics, but I reason with the basic facts. Someone please explain to me how electing two ICC suspects will better the economy. How if our country goes into sanction, it will be better for our development. I fail to understand how suspects are running for presidency. Don't they have criminal background checks or something? Leave alone being on the lead. It's clear to me that this is more of an ethnic issue. Let’s just hope no matter the outcome, there will be peace. Cause that will push us 10 steps back worse off considering that this is a Third world country already. It's a shame.

I’ve travelled and am glad that I have. I like how countries like in America you can go to the next state and enjoy a beautiful town, have vacations or just move from town to town without worrying about where you’re from, the lack of development and such. I wish it was the same in Kenya. Our neighbouring towns are all undeveloped. How is it that we still have people living in huts? Have people that know such things as toilets still. Yet we get offended when people mention that we live on trees. No we do not live on trees, but the truth of the matter, when we look at the developed areas on the Kenyan map, it’s just but a speck of dust. The rest of the nation is suffering.

Another thing is we live in such an ethnic based country where everyone feels the need to ask you where you’re from so that they brand you a sticker. You are already judged by your peers what type of person you are or what you can contribute from the society.  I wish we could all just really truly be united based on our actions and not words. Even as much as people like to pretend that we are united, the elections is always a reminder that we are all so divided based on our ethnic groups and it saddens my heart.

I want to be able to go to Malindi, Wajir, Nyeri, Narok, Kisumu, Kakamega… anywhere you can name and find them all a beautiful developed city that I can experience.  Like as though I was in Atlanta, Florida, New York all in the same country without having to travel far to go somewhere nice and developed.  Until that happens, we are all slacking as Kenyans because I see so much potential, and the leaders have slacked in that matter. Help this be a better nation. Forget ethnicity and start working together to grow out the city into other counties so that the whole country is developed.   

Why fill our pockets, eat comfortably, shelter ourselves while people in the next county are starving, looking for shelter and suffering? Yet we still do nothing about it. 

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

My take on domestic Abuse

I've been coming across a lot of domestic abuse cases and its been bugging me a lot. I just don't see what would ever lead a man to hit a woman up to the point where she has to be hospitalized. Is it hatred? Or what is it? You tell me. Funny they be the same people that come pleading back for forgiveness. In my case I don't think anyone who has been abused should return to the person whom abused them cause trust and believe, it may happen again. Once beaten, twice shy!

Let me share this story I heard of some lady on Classic FM on my ride to school some days back. I'll call the characters 'Anne' and 'Jim" (Not their real names)

        Ok so Anne and Jim were dating. They really loved each other. Then Anne got pregnant and she told Jim about her pregnancy. Jim immediately told her to have an abortion and Anne was not for it; so she told him if he doesn't want to keep the baby, then she will take care of the baby herself. Lucky for Anne she had a good support system and she was able to take care of the baby on her own. When Jim heard that she was able he hesitated a bit and decided he would reconsider his options. He then said he was ok with the idea of a child and said he would help her out with the baby. Then came 6 months.. Jim ends up beating up Anne and leaves her on the floor bleeding helpless. Anne was able to get to her sister's place who lived nearby and was rushed to hospital. Turns out that Anne was having twins and both babies died inside her and because of that she had to be operated on. After the operation she was told she could never have children. It was such a sad story.

I was really disgusted by it. I don't get how any guy could do that in the first place. In her case he never showed any signs of violence or physical abuse in that manner. I just don't get what drives people to do anything of the sort, whether its unavoidable, or if we are able to detect such people and keep off.

Then today I read this comment someone mentioned on abuse, thought I'd share it as well...

" I have really given a lot of thought to the issue of domestic abuse and the views America has on it. I have seen contradictory views by the masses from The Chris and Rihanna situation, to K Michelle and Memphitz to the hood rat on the bus with the bus driver. Many ppl say in Rihanna's case that a man should NEVER hit a woman under any circumstances, fast track to K Michelle where she probably "forced" him to, all the way to the bus driver where she deserved to be uppercut. I have come to the realization that there are two forms of physical abuse between males and females and I feel that America has not differentiated that fact. Some women face real domestic abuse many times mostly mental, but these women are belittled, abused and sometimes destroyed of any real self image. These are the true victims in my opinion. & then there are women who argue with their men and push them to their breaking point causing the men to lash out sometimes bringing out something in them that even they didn't know existed. These women, though not completely victims are given the same sympathy as the truly abused women. I'm not saying the second case men are blameless but these men are human, and it takes a strong person male or female to endure verbal or physical attacks and not act on it. Please don't try to tell me that any man who hits a woman is an evil monster because just as is the bus driver or K Michelle's case you sometimes agree that it is brought on by something more than an emotional disturbed man. I don't know which case Rihanna and Chris fall under but I feel that he may have truly made a mistake at 19 yrs old. My main point is that we should be able to differentiate the two and judge accordingly." ~ Divah

I'm not sure about the Rihanna and the Chris Brown situation. That beating was not normal, I wouldn't call that mental stability. Something's obviously bugging that child. Although Rihanna has chose to go back to him, so am sure she's well aware of the consequences and she loves him enough to take the risk of being with him, then so be it.

Thursday, January 24, 2013

My Dont's


            I don't like that I have a lot to write and the fact that I haven't written it. I don't like that I have four unfinished paintings all left half way that I haven't done that sits on my desk and collects dust. I don't like that I go to school for the sake of it, just because I have to, and also because I have to finish my assignments on time. The last thing I need is for me to fall behind in my school work. So now am just doing my work for the sake of finishing it, not because I want to. I don't like the little time I'm given to work on them and the limitations I have on them because I know I could do so much better... lately, its become I just don't care! I don't like that I feel like my time is limited, that I'm always rushing to get something done, that even when I have time I just don't know how to spend that time. Some how It always feels like there's so much to do that I just don't do it at all! 

            I don’t like that I'm getting closer to my 30s and I don’t have any potentials at the moment. I say I don’t care about marriage but secretly I do. I hate that I wonder if it will ever happen at this rate, if there is real love out there as it is spoken to be, and if it's really for everybody. I don’t like that I haven’t established myself in the society in terms of what I want to do, that I don’t stay in my own house, drive my own car, spend my own cash limitlessly without any worries, and that I'm not travelling overseas as I pictured I would be doing now.

            I don’t like that I feel like I have to keep rushing with my magazine to publish it by the beginning of every month, that nowadays it has become stressful. I don’t like that I don’t see as if my viewers for the magazine are increasing. I honestly believe in numbers, and right now the numbers aren't showing like I want them too, which tells me I'm doing everything wrong. I don’t like that I feel like I shouldn't bother with things that don’t give me profit, that I'm not sure of my value, my worth in my art and whether it’s as good as it should be. I just don’t like that I always find myself saying that am good, but just not good enough, that I'm my own worst critic. 

            I don’t like that sometimes I find myself fighting back tears, that sometimes I feel angry with myself for no reason. I hate that I feel like I should cry, but I don't because its always in a public place or when its uncalled for, so I just act like everything is ok. If I'm ask if I'm ok of course my answer is always going to be yes! Mostly because I don't want anyone to be worried or concerned about my concerns so don’t be worried… I'll be ok, I always I'm. Just the fact that I don’t have anywhere to vent about my don'ts. Mainly because if I talk to someone I feel like I've heard the same talks:

            "Don’t worry, you’ll be ok. Think positive. You can do it. Don’t give up! With time everything falls in place. Keep praying. I'm here for you, just talk to me, I’ll listen. Keep striving, nothing comes easy. Appreciate what you have...blablabla!" 

             I feel like I already know what you’ll tell me to try and give me encouragement. Same old same old, it gets tired. It’s not like I don’t know it, trust me I tell myself these things over and over again. My pretty little own words of advice that I hear, watch read about. Believe me I could write a motivational book myself if I had to… and all in all, I don’t like that I still feel like this.

            Most of all, I don’t like that I write my negativity on my blog, makes me look like such a sad and pessimist. Maybe in a way I am more than I let on. I like to build a shell, only to protect myself and somehow believe that I'll rid off all the negatives for real. Good thing with writing it, is that I feel better. Not all the way, but I'm transferring it. The transfer of energy concept is still strong in my mind. I need to put it in use! Besides, I still don’t think people read my blogs, well not all that many people and I'm glad. Especially after times like this when I dare to write such blogs.

            You see me, I am happy, sad, you'll never really know. At the end of the day, I'm still here, still breathing as I type this. One day I will not be here, so I can be thankful for many other things such as life. I wonder if I’ll have made a difference. If I were not born, whether the world would have been any different from today? Probably not, meaning I haven’t made an impact yet. I won’t stop until I do. Even if I'm not running around the world in my underwear making a statement or in the lab figuring out the next new cure. It may not look like it, so many things I'm curious about,  so many unanswered questions. I feel so empty inside,  Yet I'm still breathing. I need to find my worth, because I know I am worthy, we all are! Find your worth!

When I think about it... 


       I'm actually writing this in 2012 as I watch the clock count down to 2013 minute by the minute. I'm not sure this is how I want to spend my new year’s eve. I'm sure by the time this post goes up it will probably be the New Year since I don’t have any internet.

       I'm alone in my room typing this feeling distance from everyone and everything. Not sure why. It’s funny I have my family here all watching a movie together in the other room which I've already watched, but I'm not good at pretending. Something’s bugging me and I don’t know what it is. I don’t feel like am myself. I feel like am changing into someone else, not someone I necessarily like, or maybe I'm just growing older and my preferences are changing. I've always been a people person, but now all I want to do is to be left alone. I mean I love my friends, my family, everyone! Although every day the clock is ticking, the days are going and I'm not content, rather everything feels subtle. I'm not where I want to be and I feel like am running out of time.

       I should be happy with everything I have as of now but instead I find myself chasing time trying to figure out everything I'm doing wrong. I know in my heart that everything am doing deserves so much more than what I have. Maybe I'm just so unrealistic.

       Life is short, you only leave once (Seems to be everyone’s motto everywhere nowadays). Ask yourself if you die today; are you happy with everything you've done so far? Is it everything you wanted to do, or are you waiting to start it later on?

       I hate my indecisiveness, impatience, my quick mind change; makes me question everything in the end. I don’t want to lie to myself by making New Year’s resolutions as to what I'm going to do and change. Life as we know it is very unpredictable. I still feel greatness in me so I’ll always keep that strive for it. Right now my vision is blurred but every year gone by, is a reminder, my empowerment, my will to keep fighting and to keep goal searching.