I don't like that I have a lot to write and the fact that I haven't written it. I don't like that I have four unfinished paintings all left half way that I haven't done that sits on my desk and collects dust. I don't like that I go to school for the sake of it, just because I have to, and also because I have to finish my assignments on time. The last thing I need is for me to fall behind in my school work. So now am just doing my work for the sake of finishing it, not because I want to. I don't like the little time I'm given to work on them and the limitations I have on them because I know I could do so much better... lately, its become I just don't care! I don't like that I feel like my time is limited, that I'm always rushing to get something done, that even when I have time I just don't know how to spend that time. Some how It always feels like there's so much to do that I just don't do it at all!
I don’t like that I'm getting closer to my 30s and I don’t have any potentials at the moment. I say I don’t care about marriage but secretly I do. I hate that I wonder if it will ever happen at this rate, if there is real love out there as it is spoken to be, and if it's really for everybody. I don’t like that I haven’t established myself in the society in terms of what I want to do, that I don’t stay in my own house, drive my own car, spend my own cash limitlessly without any worries, and that I'm not travelling overseas as I pictured I would be doing now.
I don’t like that I feel like I have to keep rushing with my magazine to publish it by the beginning of every month, that nowadays it has become stressful. I don’t like that I don’t see as if my viewers for the magazine are increasing. I honestly believe in numbers, and right now the numbers aren't showing like I want them too, which tells me I'm doing everything wrong. I don’t like that I feel like I shouldn't bother with things that don’t give me profit, that I'm not sure of my value, my worth in my art and whether it’s as good as it should be. I just don’t like that I always find myself saying that am good, but just not good enough, that I'm my own worst critic.
I don’t like that sometimes I find myself fighting back tears, that sometimes I feel angry with myself for no reason. I hate that I feel like I should cry, but I don't because its always in a public place or when its uncalled for, so I just act like everything is ok. If I'm ask if I'm ok of course my answer is always going to be yes! Mostly because I don't want anyone to be worried or concerned about my concerns so don’t be worried… I'll be ok, I always I'm. Just the fact that I don’t have anywhere to vent about my don'ts. Mainly because if I talk to someone I feel like I've heard the same talks:
"Don’t worry, you’ll be ok. Think positive. You can do it. Don’t give up! With time everything falls in place. Keep praying. I'm here for you, just talk to me, I’ll listen. Keep striving, nothing comes easy. Appreciate what you have...blablabla!"
I feel like I already know what you’ll tell me to try and give me encouragement. Same old same old, it gets tired. It’s not like I don’t know it, trust me I tell myself these things over and over again. My pretty little own words of advice that I hear, watch read about. Believe me I could write a motivational book myself if I had to… and all in all, I don’t like that I still feel like this.
Most of all, I don’t like that I write my negativity on my blog, makes me look like such a sad and pessimist. Maybe in a way I am more than I let on. I like to build a shell, only to protect myself and somehow believe that I'll rid off all the negatives for real. Good thing with writing it, is that I feel better. Not all the way, but I'm transferring it. The transfer of energy concept is still strong in my mind. I need to put it in use! Besides, I still don’t think people read my blogs, well not all that many people and I'm glad. Especially after times like this when I dare to write such blogs.
You see me, I am happy, sad, you'll never really know. At the end of the day, I'm still here, still breathing as I type this. One day I will not be here, so I can be thankful for many other things such as life. I wonder if I’ll have made a difference. If I were not born, whether the world would have been any different from today? Probably not, meaning I haven’t made an impact yet. I won’t stop until I do. Even if I'm not running around the world in my underwear making a statement or in the lab figuring out the next new cure. It may not look like it, so many things I'm curious about, so many unanswered questions. I feel so empty inside, Yet I'm still breathing. I need to find my worth, because I know I am worthy, we all are! Find your worth!
When I think about it...