Friday, January 24, 2014

My value and self-worth

These are three paintings put together to create a painting set. I haven't really framed it yet, just put it together for the picture. So anyway, thought I’d share my favorite painting with all of you again. Yes it’s an old one because I haven’t painted in forever. I think the whole of last year came and went without me painting and the funny thing is I’m only realizing that now. Many people are angry at me for not painting, but that’s ok. I hope I still will be able to paint if I ever feel the need to. Until today I haven’t been able to sell a single painting, so I haven't been in a hurry to paint, I’m taking my time. Besides, its feeling up my space in my room. Painting comes with inspiration, and I’ve been drained off. I’m an expressive person and writing seems to be the best way for me to express myself these days.

For all those who’ve begged me to paint, I tell them buy a painting and maybe I’ll paint, or you know what I’ll even make a painting in your honor because I know in the end, no one’s willing to buy my paintings, and am ok with that. If I decide to paint, be it 10, 20 years from now, maybe today, tomorrow… it doesn’t matter… I’ll freaking paint when I want!

Everything I’ve experienced with my talents, such as my paintings, my logos, my photography, my magazine… everything has led me to feel worthless. I’ve valued myself down to nothing. I’ve ended up giving away paintings for free because that’s the only way they get accepted. I've taken pictures for free because that’s the only way I can do photography. I’ve even done logos for free because that’s the only way someone will let me do for them a logo. At least with the logo I was lucky the person liked it enough to ask for another. Still I was afraid to give them the actual price because I value myself so little, and I didn’t want to chase them with a high pricing. My magazine is nonprofitable, if anything I’m running it under a loss, because I have to pay for the website and maintenance: SPINKLY MAGAZINE. Since I’m worth nothing already as it is… or rather its the trend that has been upto the year 2013.

Welcome to my 2014! I REFUSE TO PUT MYSELF DOWN FOR ANYTHING OR ANYONE!!! I value my paintings, and they mean so much to me to give them away for free. The painting above, I priced it at KSH 15,000 enough to chase away clients that want to take advantage of me… because either way I know they will never buy it. Even so, if you ask me what I really feel would be the value of the painting… I think I would sell it for KSH 30,000 and above. I really love that painting, and I doubt I’d part with it for anything else. I spent so much time on that painting, and it’s an original. You won’t find that painting anywhere else. Though the sad fact of the matter is I'll lower its value for the price of opportunity.  Fuck value and opportunity! I can’t say either way I’ve been lucky!

I want to value myself more. I really do! I want to shun all those sweet talkers that caress my ego with sweet nothings that don’t even value my work. I give them props for encouragement because at least they gave me reassurance even though they encourage me further with no delivery. All in all I pray that I’ll have the wisdom to sieve out the haters and sip in the critics that matter.

I want to be that painting that is framed in gold, hanging on the wall as a center piece... not that painting that is hidden among the treasures, because that’s what it feels like. What good is a talent if it’s worth nothing? What is my value and self-worth if so far it’s been nothing? 

All through life I’ve been taught, if it comes easy, then it’s too good to be true. Life is a struggle, and what a big struggle it has been for me.

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