Saturday, February 22, 2014

My emptiness is killing me!

Life is funny! 

We spend most of our life searching for happiness. Searching for something that we can be content with. Searching for somewhere we belong. A sense of achieving satistfaction. 

What if we never find it?

What are we really looking for? Does happiness really have a form? Is it defined by one thing? Is it attained by all in one way or is it different for everyone? Do we decide our own happiness cause I'm wondering... can I really choose to be happy or does it find us when we least expect it? If it is a state of mind can I pretend to be happy enough for me to actually believe that I am? Or why do I have to pretend in the first place, why can't I just be happy!?

I feel like I've been going around in circles trying to search for something that I'm not even sure what. I'm seeking satisfaction in one self. Every time I set a goal for myself to achieve; when I do, I'm never really satisfied. It's as if I'm searching for something that's unattainable or I'm I just not complacent. Do I lack appreciation? I'm I just not aware of my achievements even in the smallest forms to be able to reward myself  and pat me in the back for it?

I've come this far in everything I've done, which brought me to this point in my life. Still I'm not there yet. I'm not happy. I haven't done anything I can call worth satisfactory. I'm nowhere next to my goals, or dreams. I have such a long way to go.

I laugh at those who say I inspire them, I ask them why? Why me? How would I ever inspire anybody? I'm not even proud of myself, or my work, or any of the things I've done until now. I don't feel like anything I've done until now is worth any praise. I don't feel as though anything I've done is effective. I don't feel like it's enough or anywhere close. I feel empty, like my goal is so far away, any small slip and I'll have lost everything I've worked so hard for. That I'll have wasted my time. I'll have wasted so many peoples time. I'll have let myself down. Effort is such an endless game. 

 I feel like I put so much pressure on myself. Sometimes I just want to sit down for a second and feel the air around me, breath in and out and actually feel my space, the presence around me because I'm lacking. I'm not here, I'm there. If you ask me, am not breathing. I'm living in the future, being burried with my concerns that my present becomes my past so quickly and that I can only look back and crave for the moment again. To be able to experience it all over again because I really wasn't there. Instead I am passing time, and it's passing so quickly. I am still searching for my happiness. I want my legasy. Spinkly is my legasy... always has been. Still it's nowhere I want it to be. I'm not accomplished in any way. I want to, I'm trying, but its so hard!

 I want to cry. Stop the madness around me and quit everything am doing and see if its any better than this emptiness I feel. I'm always chasing, I never get. Even if I get, it's not what I want. So what do I want? I am non-accomplished. The ticking clock is such a hater. Everything I'm fighting for is nowhere near me. Ahead of me is a mist, so unclear, not even my certainty is assuring. Yes it's easy to cry, maybe I can pretend that my tears will wash away the sadness, ambiguity.. make everything visible. Still I feel... I feel obscurity and it's not a good feeling. 

I hope one day I'll be happy. I hope I'll be able to fill that emptiness. I hope I will be able to look back and smile and say this, "Everything was worth it!"

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