Monday, April 16, 2012

I can't say what's real any more:


         Time and time again, I end up feeling disappointed in myself. I feel like I let myself down easy. I can't say why, (more like I don't want to say why) but I feel like I was hit on the face with a rock and I remain emotionless. I say it again, "Don't put all your eggs in one basket" if you know the saying. Right now it feels like nothing matters any more. I can't trust anyone! Mad at myself for letting my guard down, even after saying I never would. Every time I chose to trust someone, I'm the one that winds up getting hurt. They say in life we have to take risks, but what's the risk worth taking if it does you no good?  If I always wonder whether I made the right choices at the risks I made? If you're not sure of what it is you want to do? All I ever do is roll the dice without a set number in my head of what I want. I have no goal, l am indecisive. I don't know!

        Again and again, I keep finding myself at the same place I was running away from. So empty inside, like everything I did to get myself away from this place, brought me back. I'm going around in circles. All the decisions I've made thus far brought me here. As if this place is my fate and I can't avoid it. So here I am back on the drawing board, starting over again. Maybe I need acceptance, or maybe I keep doing something wrong, maybe I can't seem to understand my purpose that's set out for me; Hence, I keep taking the wrong turns that lead me back to where I am today. I don't want to be here. I want to be there, but I can't tell you where there is. I feel so blinded, so naive, so vulnerable to strike a deal, ready to say yes to any idea that presents itself along my way.

        So what is real? Could this be my fate? I'm I meant to be in this position forever? I don't want to believe it! In fact I refuse to believe it. I know I can do better. That's why I keep blaming myself over. I let myself down. If there's anything I've learned from my past mistakes, it's that the one person I can always count on is myself. Self reliance. Somehow I've relied on reassurance from others and all they do is let me down. I always say, "expect nothing from no one, and you wont be disappointed" fair enough! There's something repetitive about this pattern that makes me see I only have me to make me happy.

        So what do I have to rely on? I have my talents, they ain't going anywhere, at least I hope not. However, it feels like am looking for something else. Like my talents are not enough. Even so, they've managed to obtain my certainty. My talents are always there, and they have never let me down. They are what I've learned to rely on. I always end up finding myself going back to do the one thing I know to do, perfect my talents. My talents, at least I know you can't take that from me. Then I think: Maybe God is trying to tell me something but I'm being stubborn, I'm not seeing it, or I refuse to see it. That everything I need to make it happen is from within, and all I have to do is let it shine.

        Still, at the end of the day I can't really explain how I feel. I'm not sure any more of what is real and what isn't. I live in a fantasy world because it's easier to believe in. So I set the bar so high and wind up falling short or end up with nothing at all. Every time I get excited thinking am headed somewhere, I land back in the same place. So everything else feels like it wasn't real. My attempts remain forgotten. A waste of my time. When I'm back in this place I feel lost, empty, disappointed. I want to disappear but I can't. I don't want it to be real, but its what screams out the loudest from all the rest. Only because at this point in my life, I've experience it the most (More like it's the present, my now). I'll tell you this: Right now I remain expressionless, but I choose to smile. I choose to smile because its the one thing left to do. The one thing that will make everything else feel all right. Therefore, I'm still smiling.

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